Jangan Cakap Kalau

Tak boleh! Sebab kalau (tengok sebut juga perkataan kalau) membayangkan perkara ini sepatutnya tak terjadi, itu tak sepatutnya berlaku, dia jadi macam tak redha. Kan?

Macam satu kisah ni.

***

Satu masa dia tak kenal langsung lelaki ini. Tapi nak dijadikan takdir, masa terlibat dalam satu kerja, satu saat dia dalam susah. Maka mula melilau cari manusia untuk dibantu, tiba-tiba lelaki ini muncul. Dengan penuh senyum manis, dan mengerti betapa lelah penat dia dari pagi ke malam membuat kerja, dia menghulurkan tanya, apakah boleh dia bantu?

Oh!

Namun terdetik, apakah tidak mengapa? Dengan jujur dia bertanyakan soalan yang terkeluar dari hati.

Jawab tenang penuh hikmah buat dia rasa selamat. Maka marilah membantu saya, penat lelah ini tidak seberapa, cuma saya mengejar masa yang menghambat cepat. Lantas saya terlupakan akan ia. Dan terlupa akan asas diri.

Dalam perjalanan pergi, dia bersandar mahu terlelap. Namun destinasi lebih cepat tiba.

Hingga hari itu, dia melihat mulia lelaki ini. Meski ada beberapa nista, dalam hati dia, bantuan itu menenggelamkan segala. Dia bukan jatuh cinta. Dia hanya arghhh!

Pada satu hari, ditakdirkan Ilahi dia terlupa sejenak kerana diketuk masuk manusia topeng dalam hidup. Bahagia. Seketika. 

Namun yang seketika itu, menjadikan semuanya tidak lagi seperti sebelumnya. Kalau dulu, saat dia buntu, ada satu nama boleh dia cari. Kalau dia nampak manusia ini runsing, dia cepat bertanya kalau boleh dia kongsi. Meringan beban, saling memberi, saling membantu.

Mahu membalas budi mana mungkin, kerana budi di bawa mati.

Cuma, sesaat yang sekajap telah membawa lari mesra yang pernah tercipta. Hingga kini hanya mengintai jauh mengagumi. Hendak didekati semula, mungkin tidak biasa. Sekali menyesali, kalaulah sesaat itu tidak kemari, pasti bukan begini jadi. Namun itu hanya memburukkan cerita, mencarik rasa.

Maka menerima redha atas hikmah pasti ada.

Yang jelas, lelaki yang dikagumi itu, kini mucul, meniti selalu... di alam mimpi. Kalau mahu dekati, selembah hati dia sanggup beri. Kalau bukan, pergi jauh jauh jangan datang lagi.

Sakit juga mengagumi.

***

Fuhhh! Karya!

Sumpah woh aku rasa sakit oi membina kagum. Kadang-kadang buat kerja gila kagum orang sampai password tukar segala ikut ejaan satu satu nama siap ada nama ayah. Hua hua hua.

Ahhh cerita lama!

Don't Pull The Trigger

I've been searching what's actually triggering my asthma lately. This week, almost every night I've been suffering with it. Nothing different, in fact, I sweep my room everyday, wiped my table with dettol once perweek, and luckily, the weather is no longer cold and damp as past 2, 3 months.

I am too, has settled down my allergy rhinitis and perfectly breathing with two nostrils widely open. Hehhehe.

This is perhaps not medically scientific or whatever jotted down in the text books, but hey... different patient feels differently, don't they?

So, do you an asthmatic person?

What I do firstly is writing down what are the factors that excellently triggering my asthma. Therefore, I'll try to avoid them.

1. Laughing. Now, don't laugh okay! It's true. Hard to avoid though.

2. Rambutan. Yeah, maybe I open it with my teeth and god knows how billionths bacterias stay there. That's why, I'm trained to soak all the fruits and vegetables in the salty water first and followed with plain water. Just to kill the bacteria, I guess. My dad taught me so.

3. Dust. It can happens as easily as I smell the blanket then haachummmm!

4. Cold. As for me, I really like to face the fan straight to my face. I love the blowing wind but yeah! Don't worry, the next 2, 3 hours, I can feel my chest tightening, wheezing sound and coughing. Clap you hands, Huda! Nice job! -.-"

5. Exercising. Well then, it happens in air-conditioned room. I've already explain long time ago. Please dig out my previous entry.

6. Idiopathic or unknown. Sometimes, this asthma just like to visit me without I ask 'her' to. Duhh.

You may wondering why it still comes? You already list down all of them, avoid and yet, none is working lately. Don't worry, I face the same problem too. 

Since I move in the new single room, I'll try to make sure all above that now in my control, to be controlled. But why? I still need to go to Emergency and have my nebulizer?

Okay, come on. When there're symptoms, there're will be the causes. Follow me.

1. Stress; that can be one factor.

2. This single room providing strong blowing wind; depending at what speed I choose to operate the fan. (Of course it's 5. Hahahhaha)!

3. My room is near to all the pokoksss. I love the darkness, but mosquitoes love it too. I use vaporized Ridsect to help my night clear from all those 'blood thirst' insect. Maybe this is the reason, maybe not. (I guess it's not. I use it almost every semester, the different just there were more than one people in the room).

4. Air wick vaporized perfume. What to do when my room is in front of the toilet. -.-"

5. Look outside please. Yeah! I can see the flowers blooming! With the strong wind, and my windows open? The pollen may has triggered my asthma.

So friends. Asthma can be fatal. Do watch out your asthma attack!

p/s: I tak nikah lagi, tolonggg! Hhahahaha!

Mari Mari Marilah

Malam Jumaat lepas merupakan antara malam buang tebiat kami untuk masuk pertandingan sketsa hehehe. Okay, macam biasa haruslah aku tak brapa gemar menceritakan perihal hal sekarang hari ini. Aku suka, buat sesuatu yang orang tak tahu, jadi tahu.

Tahu lepas, aku pilih Zinnirah. Oh sebab itu came out nama geng, Geng Cucuk Mata. And this year, well, kisah seorang pemuda bertaqwa yang termakan epal kemudian dapat bini cantik kaya sempurna semua ada. To be truth, aku tak tahu siapa dan tajuk sebenar dia apa. Cuma, aku amat gemar lirik lagu Cari Jodoh dendangan Rabbani, so here it goes the BIGS (Bakal Isteri Gorgeous Solehah).

They hope that this year takkan jadi macam tahun lepas yang berlatih ketika masanya sangatlah nyawa nyawa ikan. But then, it happened again. 

So, that was one night, I need all the 'barang basah' for me to work on video. As one of the rules stated that, the sketsa is not to be more than fifteen minutes. Jadi buat video adalah jalan selamat di mana engkau tak akan ada isu lebih masa. Tapi, adalah wajib untuk sangat ikut waktu di mana, salah adalah tidak dibenarkan. Or else, you'll spoil your own actions. Hehehhe.

I started at 12 am and finished at 4. But, I need other laptop sebab movie maker aku huh! Dari dulu sampai sekarang walaupun banyak movie maker best, aku tetap suka Window Movie Maker yang cikai. Sangat friendly! As for me, your ideas are all counted. The technologies? That's my second choice.

Well, all thanks goes to Haida anyway. She did all the arah mengarah. Yep. I have the ideas, I imagined all the movements with Haida added on others as well, I have a lot of friends, but I just have very little voice to raise up. So, Haida helped. Thanks to her again.

I always took the part being the scriptwriter, narrator and the singer. I just love those. I don't bother to be seen on the stage (well actors get famous because other's script, don't they?), did all the actions, and make the audience chill! 

But this year, I had the opportunity to pukul gendang! It was 5 years ago since my last! Oh, what a memory.

So, we started with boria that I love the lyric most! It needs to be clear as I really don't want the judges to frown up as they did last year. I think, they did too this year. Well I do wonder within myself; this is why Muslimah's Night was made up, isn't it?

Assalamualaikum, kami ucapkan,

Kepada semua rakan rakan dan taulan,

Malam ini kami nak persembahkan,

Sebuah sketsa moga menghiburkan.

Hai adik kakak rakan dan juga taulan,

Sketsa malam ini ambil pengajaran,

Kalau rasa pelik jangan kerut kening,

Kami nak sampaikan dengan cara lain.

Boleh tak?

Tak boleh.

Hai bolehlah?

Tak boleh.

Hmmm bolehlah,

Tak boleh!

Hai bolehlaaaa.

Bolehlaaaa...!

Big laugh!

I put minus one for me to sing. But hahahahahah! You know what is my biggest fear? I was so afraid if I could't catch the beat when they started boria-ing, and I freaked out if I couldn't hit the pitch when it came to!

But what had happened were a lot worse!

I could catch the beat, and I could strike the pitch (okay, together with suara menggigil). But,  the speaker at the hall, I didn't hear any music came out while I knew, at the 00.20 seconds I should have started singing. Hahahha. This when I had to deal with my panic attack.

I try to calm down (though I stood silent with pale face and clumsy movements on the stage dammit) and catch the second rhythm but, BUT I forgot the lyrics! Which made me such a... HAHAHAH!

All my friends, they did well! VERY WELL! They made the audience went wild (okay I'm exaggerating). I need to struggle with the audience laugh, concentrating to hear the music, and read.

My video was around 10 minutes, together with boria, it was 13 minutes! We're the first ever group that not exceed the time limit and even less anyway. That's cool, huh?

I guess this FESKI community (I don't care anymore pleasing those!) should work a lot harder! Ask the seniors, and respect them. Don't easily get mad with what? The participants? Come on.. that's your responsibilities. I knew you were stress. Hey, when we were in your shoes, all of us did get stress too. But to increase our voice to the participants? It's a BIG no! You should thank them to contribute, okay? What's the meaning of your program without them?

Adik, kita ni buat program orang Islam, kalau macam ni lah rupanya? Mana hebat dia? Jangan buat kerja cincai boncai, sayangsssss. Jangan buat kerja sebab duk kejar merit, intan payungsss.

Aku guna general ayat. Tolonglah faham kalau tak rasa terlibat janganlah terasa. Heh.

To THE BIGS, this will be one of my permanent sweet memories! I don't bother to be the winner. The important is, what we deliver, they get something new that's beneficial! That's our aim. Love you guys till jannah!

And I hope the secret meaning hidden in the acronym BIGS, will come true. Insyallah.

Andai Sudah Jodoh, Insyallah!

Kalau nak list down nama, ada beberapa belas orang turut serta. Namun, kalau perlu catat setiap perasaan, hanya satu yang berkenan untuk aku catat.

BAHAGIA!

Nanti saya cerita panjang, tapi saya yakin Cik Lunarwolf pemuda pemakan epal-tak-minta-izin, cerita esok.

Beliau. Sakit. Gigi. Sekarang!

Bahahhaa. 

p/s: Sumpah! Aku simpati. :D

Kadang-Kadang

Kadang-kadang bila fikir perlahan,
Susahnya berkawan-kawan,
Hidup dua tiga teman adalah cukup.
Sempurna pada angka,
Mudah pada cerita.

Bukan senang orang nak faham perangai kita.
Tiada yang tahu bahasa bagaimana selalu kita guna.
Tiada yang mengerti susah payah rasa berubah.
Tiada yang hargai kenapa kita mencuba.

Bukan mahu terima kasih.
Sungguh bukan mahu bertekak lidah.

Hanya salah fahaman.
Maka sepatah tak dibenar bicara.
Dan terus meletakkan salah.

Mahu senyum, hampa.
Mahu bicara, terasa.
Mahu biasa, kecewa.

Kalau aku begini, kau harus telan.
Kerana aku terima, bagaimana kau begitu.
Kalau ini sifatku, fahamilah.
Kerana bila itu lakumu, aku tak berhelah.

Aku bukan lahir, dari keluargamu.
Engkau juga bukan hadir, dari keluargaku.

Kau tidak telan sukar zaman kecilku.
Engkau tidak rasa dihina zaman remajaku.
Engkau tidak hadap pijak zaman mudaku.

Kerana itu,
Aku telus dalam bicara, jelas pada cerita, dan banyak pada tanya.
Kerana kau tidak telan bagaimana hina aku diketawa.

Aku selalu,
Tegas pada kata, tiada dua pada percaya,
Kerana kau tidak rasa, bagaimana torehan luka sang mangsa.

Aku kerap,
Mencari benar pada cerita, memberitahu pada samarnya,
Kerana engkau tidak hadap, bagaimana aku salah, jika berdiam.

Namun, buluh terlentur kini,
Dari bukan enak masa rebungnya.
Dan andai dapat ku putar agar kau melihat,
Sejuta genap dalam hidupku,
Boleh kau kasihan.

Bukan itu aku mahu,
Dalam jauh hati,
Jangan amarah pada sifatku.

Cuma kasihani,
Zaman silamku,
Yang menjadikan aku,
Apa yang kau nampak,
Apa yang kau perhati,
Apa yang perlu kau alami,
Hari ini.

Aku sedar pada salah sifatku.
Aku cuba pada ralat lakuku.
Aku pesan pada setiap langkahku.

Sesekali ia terlepas bebas.
Selalunya ia mengundang benci

Maka aku mohon, jangan lama.
Maka aku pohon, jangan sentiasa.

Hati kerdil ini, dalam tidurnya,
Hanya mimpikan kamu.
Dalam lenanya,
Tiada baik datang menjelma.
Hingga setiap mimpi hadir,
Semuanya buruk cerita.

Terkesan dengan situasi,
Berperang dengan diri,
Betapa setiap wajah kamu,
Penting dalam hidup aku.
Dan,
Andai terganggu di siang hari,
Maka meranalah sepanjang mimpi.

Percayakah engkau perihal psikologi?
Tahukan engkau segala teori?
Dia yang kau selalu terkadang terbit benci,
Berperang sentiasa dengan diri...

Aku cuba.
Sungguh aku cuba.
Sungguh.
Aku.
Cuba.

Aku harus sembunyi silamku.

Namun menjadi tari yang tampak,

Dalam alam dewasaku.

Maka, baiklah aku sendiri.

Jangan Pandang Susahmu

Kadang kadang aku putus asa kerana masih tidak dapat melompat berlari. Kadang kadang kecewa kerana sukarnya merebut masa ke fisioterapi. Kadang kala mahu biarkan kaki ini semakin mengecil dek kerana muscle wasting. Namun dalam hati pasti membisik ada gembira bila ke pusat pemulihan di sana.

Mungkin mereka yang seangkatan denganku melakukan perkara yang sama kacak kacak belaka. Meski di sana, aku banyak memilih berdiam diri seakan sombong, aku punya fisioterapis Masyallah! Hahaha.

Hingga satu hari, aku duduk sebelah seorang makcik tua. Aku bukan peramah dan aku suka menegur orang tua. Tapi disebabkan aku banyak diam dalam fisio, maka mak cik ini menegur aku dahulu.

"Mek bakpo?"

"Penyakit cari sendiri. Main bola, putus urat, kena skru semula. Mok cik?"

"Accident. Kaki patah tiga. Tangan patah tiga. Rusuk patah dua,"

Aku pandang. Berfikir ayat apa paling sesuai untuk bicara.

"Lama dah ke?"

"Setahun dah,"

"Berlanggar gapo dengan gapo?"

"Kereta sama kereta. Kakak mok cik masa bawa tu royak sakit kepalo tapi dio nok bawok jugok kereto walau anok dia tawar nok bawa. Masa bawa, jalan straight, dia keno strok. Kaki atas pedal minyok, masok jalan orang, berlanggar di Panji. Masuk berita masa tu,"

Siapa sangka akan berlanggar atas kejadian sebegini? Stroke attack during driving?

"Orang lain teruk ko?"

Diam. Ada warna merah mula terbit di tubir mata.

"Kakak mok cik mati,"

Aku pula diam mencari sesuatu. Ini bukan Deja Vu. Ini sesuatu aku tahu.

"Mak cik, accident tu bila?"

"Tahun lepas,"

"Jalan luas kan? Straight? Kiri kanan sawah?"

"Ho,"

"Kereta viva?"

"Aah,"

"Warna putih?"

"Ho.."

Siapa sangka aku adalah orang yang terperangkap dalam kesesakan lalu lintas kerana kemalangan ini ketika itu?

Only If I Could Say

Have you ever feel that when you really want to do something, REALLY WANT, and when you're about to do that, you just stop and the next morning you proudly say, oh thanks god I don't do that!

Have you?

I do.

It was past 2 weeks or 3 weeks. I couldn't remember. I was terribly sad until I couldn't stand anymore. Oh, it wasn't because of my clinical. It just something real personal. It just something that you know it was wrong and yet you still couldn't avoid to keep doing that. Thus, when night's coming, you hide under the blanket, silently crying, asking forgiveness, remorseful, repent and stuck!

Yeah, the word 'stuck' suits well.

I couldn't even breath properly that night and it's worsening when I started to think about my past; the person I would really like to call as my dearly best friend. 

***

As mentioned in the book titled 'Men are from Mars, and Women are from Venus', it gives better explanation about the differences why men are much better than women in certain thing, vice versa,  and why I like to talk to men more.

I like male lecturers.

I like male clinicians.

I like male doctors.

I like male nurses.

I like male psychologist/psychiatrist.

I like male friends.

I really like my male ex-bestfriend.

It's not the issue of gender bias. No it isn't. 

I just feel, female lecturers are too particular until I'm unable to capture every single details provided.

I just feel male clinicians give information without emotion involvement. Or, if they do, the good in hiding it.

The male doctor make me much better to feel patient as a patient. They make a joke while giving me spinal injections. They have full of ideas to calm me down when to remove blood tube in my knee, even when they're forgot to cut the stitches first!

I like male nurses more. They didn't scold me when I wanted the injection on my right hand and not left. They didn't nag on me when I said something that they didn't know and not claim as I tried to act cleverer or reminded me who was the nurse here? They kindly hold my hand when I kept pushing away whenever I couldn't stand the pain. They ask FORGIVENESS when they were unable to get my blood and needed to find another vein for the fifth time.

I like when male people advise me. The words they use, better. In fact, the 'leakage' among male, significantly lower. 

No offense, I'm a woman and I admit, I'm not even better in male group as well as female. I'm bad in everything. It just like, whatever in my hands, it will goes wrong. 

***

He is far away from me. Far in the sense of distance, and heart, and mind. 

I used to say anything that make my day down and he with his words; what quran and hadith said, and perhaps the quotes he made up (sometimes it was so silly), I feel better. He gave me his shoulder, wiped my tears, and built my spirit stronger! Perfect male friend.

I opened my email account. Started to write and hoping the words that used to make my day, come again.

But past is past. And over is over.

I shut my laptop down and hoping, only If I could say...

Edcoustic Indah

Macam salah satu subjek teras jurusan aku aja. Akustik fonetik, acoustic room, acoustic signal. Eh lupa, aku ambil audiologi haruslah perkataan akustik merata-rata.

Tak.

Ni Edcoustic lain. Ni kumpulan nyanyi sumpah aku tak pernah kenal siapa dia, muka lagilah dan oh DAN aku tahu satu je lagu dia, Menjadi Diriku. Tu kena bagi besar besar terima kasih pada SKSPM yang aku join tak sampai sehari terus kena masuk wad. Cis.

Terus dalam wad duk ulang ulang lagu Menjadi Diriku sebab nak buang rasa kasihan tak dapat turut sama dalam SKSPM. Kau tak agak agak ambil exco DISIPLIN!

Sila tepuk tangan kuat kuat pada aku.

Beria aku angkat tangan nak jawab soalan. Oh sila bangga first time okay aku angkat tangan punyalah nak jumpa tuan depan depan. Disebabkan dia tak nampak aku angkat tangan (okay fine aku pendek), makanya aku telah berdukacita. Satu line group kat belakang tolong kasi jawapan supaya aku dapat CD itu dan supaya aku tak berduka lara, apakan dayaaaaa.

TQ Itah, Ain Ghaz, Asma, errr dah lupa dah nama yang lain lain yang keep on bagi jawapan so gue dapat jawab. Gue tak menang! Tak mau kawan Edcoustic! Nak kawan dengan gitaris dia je yang manis senyuman menawan hati. 

Tsskkk!

Balik bilik terus dengar ulang ulang sambil senyum manisss dan taip ini.

Hai, kacaknya ciptaan tuhan yang satu ini. :D

Asalnya nak join kursus kahwin. Sudahnya tak jadi. Tiba tiba datang satu rasa nak pergi kursus kahwin dengan bakal suamiku diluar sana bersama nanti. Tapi dalam dua, nak pergi kursus kahwin ke tak nihhhhh?!

Tak. Tak. Tak layak menikah lagi.

Eh, jom esok dengat ceramah pasal Gerakan Yahudi Sedunia. Jom! Tak sabar nak dengar. FESKI (nama dulu MPI oh rindu) tahun ni sungguh bawa isu serta acara menarik! Tak nak miss satu pun. Oh mungkin miss Kursus Kahwin kecuali, KECUALI gitaris Edcoustic nak melamar aku sebelum pukul 8 pagi kejap lagi.

HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Day 12: Cabaran

Kat sini soalan dia tulis bullet your whole day. Eh, bullet tu kan peluru? Aku tak jadi askar ke polis ke pemburu nak guna peluru-peluru ni. Oh, tak tahulah kalau ni idiom.

So, aku anggapkan soalan ni adalah cabaran seharian.

Aku sangat determine dan passion kalau nak buat benda dan ada dua perkara yang boleh menggagalkan dengan sempurna perkara yang aku mahu.

Pertama; malas.

Kedua; malas membuang kemalasan!

Hahaha. Okay okay. Yang atas tu betul. Tapi yang bawah ni lagi betul.

Pertama; sangat takut untuk apa orang akan kata. Ya. Aku tipikal melayu.

Kedua; perasaan akan gagal yang sukar ditepis.

Kan dah cakap, kejayaan bermula dari satu langkah utama; 

PERCAYAKAN DIRI SENDIRI!

Day 12 - Bullet your whole day.

Dia Bukan Kejam, Mereka Juga. Maka Siapa?

Bila aku fikir balik, selain dari aku terfikirkan perihal hikmah tersembunyi, aku fikirkan mengapa?

Kadang-kala bukan manusia memilih untuk bersikap kejam, juga bukan milik manusia untuk tidak dikejami. Ini perihal situasi. Aku yakin, situasi memilih untuk bertindak begini meski akan ada hati yang perit derita disakiti. 

Aku menghela nafas panjang mencari sisa kuat tersembunyi di celah celah hati. Jauh terpalit rasa pahit, aku pernah ditempat itu dan aku berharap aku tidak lagi akan dikunjungi rasa tidak selesa begini.

Bukan dia minta untuk memiliki sel darah putih lebih dari sekadarnya. Bukan dia mahu untuk menerima tuberculosis (TB) pada masa yang sama? Dia, sudah sangat berhati-hati atas apa ubat yang diberi untuk ditelan, bahkan dia juga memberitahu perihal TB, aku yakin untuk mengingatkan keperluan beringat bila melihat dia. 

Kejamkah penyakit itu kerana mendatangi dia?

Mengapa tidak pergi kepada mereka selain dia yang tidak berbakti kepada masyarakat, tidak bernilai kepada jiran setempat?

Kejamkah pilihan itu?

Dengan hanya kulit dan tulang serta kerahan segala tenaga bersisa untuk selangkah jalan maju ke depan, dia berwajahkan pasrah. Tidak perlu aku tambahkan lagi dengan setiap pautan lemah hanya untuk tidak tergelongsor jatuh, dia pegangkan redha. Badan sekeping itu pasti menerima segala perhatian simpati mahupun pelik hati, dia memilih kunyah, telan dan hadam. Ini jalan dia.

Kerana manusia disediakan perasaan kuat ingin tahu, maka kejamkah mata masyarakat yang melihat memandang?

Dia perlu bertemu dengan pelbagai pakar untuk menilai setiap satu dengan terperinci bagi setiap satu perkara yang berlaku. Buruk baik setiap titik ubat ditelan. Begitu begini atas setiap suntikan diberi.

Dan setiap kepakaran itu harus menyembunyi serta merta saat diberitahu tentang penyakit berjangkit ini. Manusia pakar ini juga manusia. Punya tubuh dan jasad yang tidak terlalu kuat untuk menepis segala sakit dibawa pesakit. Manusia pakar itu juga lemah, untuk tidak berasa takut dijangkiti. Mereka juga manusia, ada hati perasaan berbelah bagi antara hati pesakit di depan dan kemungkinan pada hari kemudian.

Kejamkan manusia ini?

Dan saat tiba-tiba datang rakan sejawatan mahu bersama bergandingan membantu, hati manusia ini disiat untuk memberitahu hai kawan, aku mahu kau lebih beringat akan masa depan yang mungkin datang jika kau tidak berjaga saat ini. Dia tersepit tentang bagaimana mahu disampai berita yang depannya manusia sudah kulit dan tulang, dan disebelahnya rakan situasi yang sama sedang berdepan.

Selangkah ke depan kau berbisik, jaga jaga akan setiap kulit kau jamah, dia ada TB.

Berat untuk dikhabarkan bimbang hati yang rapuh berdepan dugaan mendengar. 

Maka, kejamkah dia tatkala sahabat mula menyentuh, dia dengan cepat berbisik perlunya hati-hati. Mungkin pesakit mendengar, mungkin tidak? Mungkin hatinya merintih sudahlah aku begini, kau pula begitu. Mungkin tidak.Tiada dua pilihan mudah disini.

Kejam jugakah dia?

Kejamkah?

The Weather is Cold

Yeah. A month aku terperangkap dengan hidung tersumbat. Crapp. Bekalan ubat 6 bulan, sudah kehabisan sebulan lepas. Hasilnya, nak bernafas pun ya Allah, sukar.

Well, January the first has just begun and my friends in FB list, mostly wishing each other the brightest new year. And me? There's no significant to celebrate just for what? 2010 was no longer here? So what 2011 promises me?

It just a number and my life, still here like this. But I believe the mysterious tomorrow make it more interesting to hold a life a day longer, and it keeps like that; a day and a day and a day and a day until my very last breath. 

The colder weather betul betul paksa aku pakai kipas speed nombor 1 je. Memang menarik sebab tak pernah pernah dalam hidup aku pakai kipas speed ni. Kalau boleh nak tercabut bumbung tu lagi bagus.

Well, benda yang baik pasti akan berlaku untuk orang orang yang sabar. Kalau kau tanya aku aku, aku bukan dalam kategori tu sangat. Aku adalah manusia paling sangat sikit jumlah kesabarannya. Aku, kalau dalam keluarga, manusia yang sangat sangat tipis nilai tidak marah. Sampaikan, satu saat aku duduk dalam selimut diam diam tanya diri kenapa susah sangat untuk tidak marah.

Aku terus teringatkan post dari manusia pernah aku admire kerana responsibility dia berkenaan The Second Child Syndrome.

Somehow, aku mahu iyakan aja.

Namun, terbayar juga selepas turun naik turun naik berair mata. Desa luluskan juga permohonan aku untuk memiliki bilik berseorangan ini.

Buruk baiknya pasti ada, tapi aku rasa selesa begini. Setiap pagi untuk dua hari ini, aku bangun dengan hidung yang sangat tidak selesa. Kepala berat, sambil hati berharap cepatlah cermin mata tiba ke pejabat desa dengan awal. Berat kepala buat aku nak lying down diam diam dalam cormforter yang hachummmm. Oh, bila nak hantar dobi entah.

Sungguh tak produktif.

Aku tak sabar untuk mula mewarna dengan cuaca sesejuk ini namun berhibernasi lebih bagus aku kira!

Selamat tahun baru semua! 

(Mesti cakap macam ni kan kalau satu januari dah masuk?)

Lu Jantina Apa, Bro?

Aku kalau duduk sorang sorang memang jangan haraplah aku nak cakap sepatah pun. Muka memang ayah aku kata sombong habis pulak tu dok perati orang macam nak makan. Kalau jalan memang tak tengok kiri kanan sampaikan orang tegur eh huda nak gi mana?

Mulalah gelabah sori sori tak perasan.

Aku rasa lately Malaysia makin parah. Kenapa? Aku rasa mereka mereka ini jati diri makin entah. Haih. Kalau Allah nak turun bala, kalau kena kau sorang tak apalah, ni kalau dah turun, semua rasa sikit sorang.

Masalahnya, kalau nak ditegur, bukan jernih pun keadaan. Makin keruh. Silap hari bulan, tak pasal pasal kau kena tikam celik mata terus, maaaa rabbuka?

Oh dunia.

Tempoh hari aku tunggu turn masuk toilet. Masyallah, ramainya manusia, tuhan aje yang tahu. Tandas memang banyak, tapi masih tak tertampung oleh ramainya manusia yang nak menggunakannya.

Tengah duk layan perasaan, berlalu seorang yang lembut dan ayu dan sopan dan jalan berlenggang lenggok. Dari cara jalan yang wanita asli ayu pun tak selembut itu, aku boleh teka siapa.

Ek ele, dengan warna hijau dekat pipi tanda baru lepas shave lagilah, come on mannnnnn. Aku tengok je, tak campur. Aku tengok tapi menyirap darah.

Weh, kau nak tukar jantina, itu kau dengan tuhan.

Tapi kalau kau decide nak masuk tandas WANITA, tolonglah agak gak weh.

Aurat aku nak kena jaga dan sepatutnya tak payah dalam tandas wanita yang aku perempuan?!

Ke aku patut masuk tandas lelaki?

WTH!

Selamat Datang Mata Empat

Okay, tahniah sayang Malaysia menang bola. Tahniah besar besar juga pada Fahmi fuhhh jaga gol ada stail.

Sob sob. Seka air mata.

Mengapa manusia bernama Khairul Fahmi penjaga gawang KELANTAN yang menang tempoh hari (oh nak tulis juga ejaan Kelantan besar besar. Nak state juga menang please!) ini sungguh muda? Muda setahun tahan lagi. Ni muda dua tahun pula tu. Itu kecewa pertama.

Mengapa Apek nama timangan manja manja olololo ini sudah mempunyai buah hati? Mengapa? Mengapa? Okay, kekecewaan besar disitu.

Sob sob. Seka air mata berderaian jatuh.

Awak dah kecewakan hati kita tau! Tak nak kawan.

Tapi takpe, sebab Malaysia menang dengan tendangan kacak, gol jelita, I cari pakwe baru. Eh, tetiba.

***

Okay, mari berilmiah.

I have been wearing spectacles since 2003, during my form 3. I was being transferred to another school, and at that time, it was so hard for me to follow the hostel rules.

Since then, I got my bad migraine and become worse year by year.

I didn't know why but perhaps I really stressed out to follow all the schedules which weren't that strict as to compare to my old school. My brain started to throb and I always have double vision, nausea and weak. I called my dad twice per week and become frequent.

I jumped from one clinic to another as the diagnosis wasn't satisfying enough. They took my urine sample, give me all the medications (I can't recall the purposes of the prescription), made a multiple appointments in a month and yet, no solution.

Until I met this one doctor.

"How about check your vision, and try on glasses first?"

After all, it is MIGRAINE. And yeah, this migraine can be helped by spectacle?

If you ask me, is it? Honestly, I don't know. I try to make few readings and I just conclude it that my migrain can cause phonophobic and photophobic. That double vision I have, I guess because of the light that perceived by others, now, a lot brighter to me.

So, I made a spectacle, gold in colour and photochromic (it will becomes darker when the sun gets brighter). Those who take science stream for SPM learn this in chemistry on how it works. 

I malas nak terang panjang panjang siap equation bagai. Huh.

So, my life since then becomes so dependent to this additional eyes. Oh. Masalahnya, bila tak migrain, my vision is completely normal and make me so refuse to wear it as the photochromis lenses were made by glass. So, it is heavy and bila tertidur dengan spek (especially dalam kelas hehe), habis batang hidung I luka.

Tapi sekarang semua plastik oi. Riiingaaaaannn.

Bila migrain tak kuat, babai spek. So sekarang dah buat 3 spek yang semuanya hilang, or rosak, or calar balar sebab eh I bukan rabun (okay adalah sikiiiiiiiiittttt, sikiiiit je) buat apa I susah susah nak bermata empat?

Tapi hambik kau tergagau lah cari bila keadaan macam sekarang!

Okay, peminat migraine sekalian atau yang rasa rasa kepala senang senang sakit. Apa kata anda cek penglihatan sekarang? Mak saya, pening kepala sangat teruk sekali ambik nak kena pakai spek mata. Ni kisah sepulu tahun lepas kot.

Adik saya, huh mata tebal! Setiap kali pening kepala tu tandanya nak makin teballah spek dia.

In fact, saya yang penglihatan normal tapi kebelakangan ni sangat stress lepas tu kerap datang sakit kepala, haa ambik nak bila cek balik pada optometris saya, huh naik silaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaau.

Benci eh.

Tapi tak pe, pakaai spek mata cute apa? Kan kan kan?

Tak kisahlah kalau tudung kembang pun, at least it works on me.

Benci!

p/s: Desa banyak nyamuk balik, tolonglah jangan denggi lagi.

Buat Benda Kena Tarik Nafas Panjang. Fikir!

Fuhh.

Harap semua clear, baik baik saja. Permohonan bilik, tolong selesai cepat. Lecturer kesayangan saya sudah agak tegas sekiranya saya tak dapat lagi tukar bilik semseter depan, beliau dengan tidak segan silu akan terus berinteraksi dengan pengurus desa.

Medically, saya layak. Itu kata beliau.

Bila beliau cakap beliau marah, saya tak pernah dengar suara beliau tegas melainkan akan sentiasa mengenakan saya setiap kali ada ketika dan peluang hehe. Ya. Saya tak pernah dengar beliau marah saya atau sesiapa. Saya jadi cuak. Semester sudah buka, saya sudah muak. Naik turun naik turun tiada cerita atau ayatnya kerapkali, nanti.

Sampai bila?

Oh! Permudahkanlah urusan.

Lukisan Warna Warni

Kanvas putih suci. Satu persatu bait warna disatukan namun gerak tari agak sumbang. Jangan tanyakan mengapa. Tarian itu percaya, tiada salah dalam seni. Tiada salah dalam laju perlahan gerak berlari, keutamaannya destinasi.

Ingain berhenti seketika.

Tarian mahu tarik nafas meski sepicing menelan lelah terus berlari hey! Jangan berhenti!

Tidak. Bukan berhenti pada lelah. Cuma mentafsir satu-satu mana salah langkah hasilnya bukan impi. Kadang-kala ingin akui walaupun dalam setuju, hanya tuhan tahu betapa tidak mulia perlakuan itu.

Angguk pada manusia mana sempurna meski dia orang tua kita hormati sayangi. Jadi salahkah sifat kalau acuannya begitu. Bukan alah pada warna, halakan telunjuk sedikit pada yang mencampurnya. Bukan pada silap, tapi pada perkara tiada daya boleh dielak. Namun sekalian warna sekelilingnya jangan iyakan cerca. Warna warna indah tidak mengerti perit derita acuan diacu.

Senyumlah pada silap namun bila kanvas sebahagian masih mahu kekal putih, tanyalah pada hujung henti tarian yang  memegang warna. Jangan menghakimi dia, dia ada derita dia simpan.

Jangan ralatkan pada cuba dia usaha. Bukan gila dia, bukan pengertian dia minta. Hanya kasihan, untuk berjalan perlahan.

Hingga setiap kali dia terus mewarna, kau tiada nampak indah, hanya cerca bersisa.

This Decision Is Final

This is one of the toughest decisions I have to make. I guess so. It took two weeks until I really realize that I need help. I really need that. I was long time ago, about to be referred too but I asked for two weeks to manage by myself first, and I did it.

But now...

***

This was the second time I have informal yet important conversation with my friend, Syafiq. He is in his psychiatry posting right now. Actually, I was accidentally met him with few of his group members. They were discussing and I said hi and asked what they did; as the purpose of being nice. 

As one of his friends (I don't know her name) said psychiatry, I took a deep breath and sat down.

"It is okay if I ask you few things?"

"Sure,"

"I need help and I guess psychiatrist is the right person. I have, I would say, it's a very serious panic attack,"

She was looking at me straightaway and I didn't know if I were too sensitive or she really did but yeah, my heart at some point said, that wasn't weird to get that such glances with this kind of problem.

"I failed exam twice and no other reasons suit well for accusing my failure but this disorder,"

Then she started with history taking and suggested me to get an appointment for further help. I just smiled and started to count how long did this problem has occurred; put aside the post traumatic event. It's not yet reaching 2 weeks.

I hope that this will subside in a few days.

Well, bad situation does happen, doesn't it? It is never get better in any situations right now. I've searched all about the anxiety disorder, stress, panic attack. Sadly said, all those can lead to further problem; depression. I've tried all possible remedies (read; strategies) suggested so I can stop that from worsening. But, it just slowly lead to depression.

Out of eight symptoms Syafiq gave me, I got six positives. Sleep disturbances, irritable, feeling guilty,  decreasing energy, reduce concentration and loss appetite. Well, I already realized that. Oh, did I forget to tell you I've tried few tests offered by internet just to make sure that I'm OKAY?

It's hard to persuade my heart when I can sense that my clinician is no longer trust my ability straightaway after my failure. It was difficult to keep myself on track whenever I lost in the middle of the session. It's tearing my heart into pieces when I made a very small mistake and yet my friend nagged on me on the spot.

As a result, my heart get broken easily day by day before it can fix the pieces.

No. I'm not whining. I'm even still considering to private my blog thus no one will misunderstand my purposes of writing.  I am at this moment is no longer I am., therefore saying something that burdens me might help having back the old me.

While finishing my patient's report, my senior suddenly knocked on the door. We had a  nice conversation and I couldn't remember how I jumped into this issue.

"Abang Izat, do you think I need that?"

"If your condition need that, why not?"

"I need help, and I know this is it,"

"Then go,"

"There're medical students in there. I don't want them to meet me, in psychi clinic especially,"

"Ignore them, Huda,"

"I can't,"

"And you want to fail next try just because you're ashamed with those students?"

"No,"

"Then, move on. Try anything possible so you won't regret later. Don't give up. There're always the doctors who are willing to help you,"

I think a lot today. A LOT. Weighting everything, pro and cons. I called my sister and cried badly. She too, cried silently but I can hear that. She told me to keep crying because she said I always keep thing inside. Well Along, I'm not always keeping by myself. I just rarely show to you guys.

And I've made my final decision. I need help...

Symptoms

Why eh, all the symptoms just coming back now?

Day 11: Tiba Tiba Hidup Macam lagu.

Apakah?

1. Soul sisters, Train.

Sisterssss. I'm crazy right now. 

2. 1, 2, 3, 4. I Love You. Plain White.

Tuhan, beri aku cinta agar dapat aku berkongsi bila aku perlu. Beri aku bahu tempat rebah bila aku sendu. Tawa bersama aku bila aku ceria. Sama sama jatuh bangun terus kental menongkah arus hidup.

Oh tuhan, untuk saat ini, aku rasa sukar.

3. About a Girl. The Academy.

She's ordinary and she can feels that she needs attention from medical doctors. She's in a depression state. Poor her.

4. Two is Better Than One. Taylor Swift ft Love Drunk

Tangan ada dua. Kaki ada dua. Begitu juga mata. Namun hati satu, dia kosong. Pasangannya ada diluar sana, Carilah. Biarkan ia sepasang. Sempurna.

5. New Divide. Linkin Park.

I'm lost with this division. The loudest screaming when nobody heard.

6. According To You. Orianthi.

I'm stupid. I'm useless. I can't do anything right.

According to you, I'm difficult. Hard to please. Forever changing my mind.

7. Tanya Sama Hati. P Ramlee ft Normadiah.

Mulut boleh kau bohong. Tanya hati, beliau berbohong juakah?

8. Jelmakanlah Ayumu. Siti Nurhaliza.

Hey esok. Beri aku sinar. Beri aku bahagia. Beri aku ceria.

Hey esok. Jelmakanlah ayumu. Aku mahu itu!

Hey esok.

Aku akan menangis lagikah?

9. Dirty Little Secret. The All American Reject.

Kadang-kadang rasa tak perlu cerita. Kan? Tiada telinga mahu dengar. Tiada sudi menyapu luruh air mata. I'll keep you my dirty little secret.

10. Down To Earth. Justin Bieber.

I never thought it would be easy.

'Cause we both so distance now....

Day 11 - Put your ipod on shuffle and write 10 songs that pop up.

Day 10: Hari Pertama Saya jatuh Cinta

Tak. Tak. Soalan sebenar dia, your first love and your first kiss.

Malulah nak cerita. Euww. Lempang sebiji baru tahu. Buka je mata kat dunia ni, I dah jumpa my real first love tau. Bukan takat kiss je I dapat, peluk cium semua tau. 

Ala, you tahu siapa first love (should I add /s/?) I. Okay, you all tahu siapa first lovesssss I, you fikirlah sendiri.

Saya lukis binatang ini, saya warnakan. Dah siap baru saya perasan, sayap dia cacat. Oh!

Day 10 - Discuss your first love and first kiss.

Day 9: Future

I never think of the future.

It comes soon enough. 

~Albert Einstein

Day 09 - How you hope your future will be like.

Day 8: Satisfaction

Self-Actualization

“What a man can be, he must be.” This forms the basis of the perceived need for self-actualization. This level of need pertains to what a person's full potential is and realizing that potential. Maslow describes this desire as the desire to become more and more what one is, to become everything that one is capable of becoming. This is a broad definition of the need for self-actualization, but when applied to individuals the need is specific. For example one individual may have the strong desire to become an ideal parent, in another it may be expressed athletically, and in another it may be expressed in painting, pictures, or inventions. As mentioned before, in order to reach a clear understanding of this level of need one must first not only achieve the previous needs, physiological, safety, love, and esteem, but master these needs."

Reference here.

To complete and feed all the above needs thus lead to self satisfaction, it's a LONG WAY to go.

Day 08 - A moment you felt the most satisfied with your life.

Day 7: Fish?

Zodiac? Erk? Weweweeeeee. Aku tahu zodiak aku ikan. Ces, ikan kau bagi aku. Tak cool langsung. Tanpa air, maka tercungap-cungaplah aku untuk hidup. Kau nak perli aku selalu tercungap-cungap tak cukup oksigen kah? Kureng ajor.

Hahahhaa.

Weh, aku tak percaya benda benda ni oii. Syirik. Kalau gitu, tak payah susah susah aku berusaha, baik aku baca zodiak je tengok jalan hidup aku macam mana hari itu akan berlalu, dan follow apa yang ditakdirkan. Kononnyalah. 

Ada dua belas zodiak atas dunia ni, jadinya manusia yang berbilion, zilion, trilion ni, bahagi kepada dua belas kumpulan je. Okay hidup kita sama. Yeksss. Tak menarik. Kau, hidup kaulah. Aku, hidup aku. Yang kau sibuk nak tiru aku apahal?

Elok elok aku bernafas guna hidung, berani kau samakan aku dengan insang? Elok elok badan aku berkulit, kau samakan aku dengan sisik? Elok elok aku jalan dengan kaki, kau samakan aku dengan sirip? Eh eh eh. Tak patutttttt.

Tak cool langsung.

Erghhh. Tah pape. (Wow, aku eja macam ni weh!)

Day 07 - Your zodiac sign and if you think it fits your personality.

Day 6: 30 Yang Anda Perlu Tahu

Bagi precise sikit, 30 interesting facts about yourself. Haih. Interesting tu memang tak adalah. Manusia biasa, tipikal. Tapi, tak pe. Meh nak korek korek diari hati mana tahu ada satu dua yang interesting , cari lagi, cari lagi bagi cukup 30. 

1. I'm right handed. But, I can write both hands. No. No. I'm not ambidextrous. It isn't equally well, tapi kalau ditakdirkan patah tangan kanan dah tu kena jawab exam, yeah I can write with my left.

2. I can sing, without people need to cup their hands on both ears.

3. I need a long time to study math, but amazingly short on arts.

4. I bad with numbers and lines, but I'm better with colours and blending it.

5. Don't ask me to cook, otherwise you can see all the ingredient in the perfect other, lined, before it turns to something that you can eat.

6. I like to use scissor than nail-clipper to make my nails short. I want it to be well done in inverted U-shape.

7. I love to smile, because my dad once said I'm ugly without it.

8. Some love cats, others love to cook, dress, or bake. No words can explain how much I love babies, toddlers and kids. I can spend the whole day playing, entertaining, singing, dancing. God knows how amazing they are.

9. I rarely like text-ing messages. I prefer call.

10. It takes more than two weeks sometimes, and a month when its holiday to reload a RM 10 new credit.

11. Phone for me; games> mp3> camera> call> sms. I know, I know how weird when games can defeat the calls. It's just, for me, like cinema without movies, it's lame, huh?

12. I can write nice khat (arabic calligraphy), but I stopped when my teacher (he is my senior and I admired him so much) passed away due to bone cancer. He can't survive even after replacing his affected bone with the new stainless still bone. I don't what exactly medical term calls it.

13. I always want to be the person that never be forgotten. That's how I teach myself to be different.

14. If in front of me are delicious fried noodle and ice cream, I always want both. But, if I need to choose, I take ice cream.

15. I chew ice cream instead of licking it.

16. I hate waiting and being waited. Therefore, I always late. HAHAHHA.

17. Cry baby with unbreakable heart. Or, at least easily healed heart.

18. Sigh. I fall in love as easy as first sight. My bad. Syaitan sungguh.

19. I'm ESFJ.

20. I'm addicted to coffee (other way not using caffeine as a word) and I can tell you how different the taste among brands.

21. I can read people face. That's good huh to have that ability when you are clinician? Okay okay. Soon-to-be clinician.

22. Oh, my face is readable.

23. I always want to be a novelist. The islamic and inspirational one. But, when it comes to chapter 10, I get bored. Ergh!

24. Don't tell me to do same thing, repeatedly. I hate it.

25. If I need to draw portrait or cartoon, I'm better on human's face. I guess so.

26. I'm bad with more than two instructions. I'm stuck to receive the third while remembering the first two. If you have to, give me the lists of it. I'm fine with that.

27. I wonder how people can read a book full of writings; novel?

28. I walk very fast when I'm alone. And very slow when I'm on mp3.

29. I like beach but I'm afraid of wild waves.

30. Hey. I'm done! And it's rare.

Fewwhhh!

Day 06 - Write 30 interesting facts about yourself.

Day 5: Suicide

Amboi. Tiap kali putus cinta, bunuh diri? Tiap kali fail exam, bunuh diri? Tiap kali jatuh terjelepuk, bunuh diri? Hidup tak kuat langsung. Apa kau ingat dengan kau bunuh diri tu settle masalah? Kalau kau ada tujuh nyawa, mati hidup balik. Mati hidup balik. Mati hidup balik. Tak apa juga nak bunuh bunuh diri ni.

Copp! Ingat rasa mati tu macam kena gigit semut je ke?

Satu hal. Apa kau confirm masuk syurga? Banyak dah pahala?

Bawa-bawalah bertaubat kalau terfikir nak bunuh diri. Banyak lagi cara nak selesai dari kau tutup rapat hidung nak bernafas bebas.

Hayya!

Hidup aku pun ada jatuh bangun lemas lelah. Tapi, nak bunuh diri? No way! Kahwin pun tak lagi ni. (Eh? Ada kena mengena?)

Day 05 - A time you thought about ending your own life.

Day 4: I'm Muslim

I was off to Azah'h home and very glad to be there. Habiskan masa dengan budak memang worth doinglah kan.  Aku ada banyak benda nak tanya pada budak sekalian cerita seharian mereka. Ada banyak keinginan untuk peluk dukung cium setiap masa. Ada banyak cerita nak dikisahkan untuk good night story; sang kancil dengan buaya, sang kancil dengan monyet, sang kancil dengan arnab dan sang kancil dengan kau letaklah binatang apa kau nak pasti tuppp terus keluar cerita dalam otak aku. So blog blog FB FB ni semua letak tepi. Tak pandang dah babai. Hahahha.

So now, back to USM. Kena face dengan semua realiti. Oh!

Balik pada soalan apa pendapat awak tentang agama? Think Huda think! Well, tak reti nak cakap dengan ayat paling skema lagi tak reti nak reka ayat agar terus nampak ilmiah dan wow! Betul. Saya bukan baik tapi saya nak jadi baik.

So, bila soalan untuk day 4 (tipu gila padahal sepatutnya dah masuk day 6 pffttt peduli apa aku), apakah pandangan aku terhadap agama. Aku hanya boleh ringkaskan dengan cerita. Tak. Aku maksudkan pengalaman sendiri.

Satu benda, masa aku belajar pengurusan stress, ketika kita lost, kita ada tempat kebergantungan (betul dak ayat aku ni) yang beyond power kita nak imagine.

Well, kau pernah ingat tak bila masa kau putus cinta? Oh, kau tak pernah bercinta. Okay okay. Pernah tak dalam kehidupan ni kau menemui jalan buntu, kau betul betul dah hilang arah? Kau dalam kata lain memang kalau dapat tengok hati tu memang dah pecah pecah kalau nak ambil gam tampal pun memang tak tertampal? Kau memang sikit sikit nangis, kalau tidur pun memang nightmare segala.

Tapi, jauh nun dihujung hati, ada satu kuasa yang bagi kau semangat perlahan lahan dan kau percaya DIA boleh buat atau ubah apa apa dengan kehendakNYA. Perantara antara kau dan dia, hanya perlu tadah tangan terus memohon.

Dan, kau hanya boleh lakukan ini dengan agama. Specifically, ISLAM. :)

Got it?

Day 04 - Your views on religion.

Day 3: Addicted?

My views on drugs and alcohol.

I know that above statement is based on illegal usage. But, when I'm in this such of health field and yet being one of the regular user of drugs. So, should I call myself drugs addicted?

I really crave for my inhaler, orally intake steroid and sure nebulizer when I lost to breath, when my lip and nails turn blue. Sometimes, I'm happy seeing IV line placed in my vein. You know why? I feel really safe because I know all the drugs are now directly go into my body and fight with that viruses! I will desperately need my Cafergot when Allah knows how bad was the throbbing; right in your brain. And worse, having double vision make you want to silently sit in a darkness and hibernate.

Of course it's a big NO to call myself as a person who is addicted to drug as I consume it based on my needs, most of the time, less. You know what I mean, right? The medications that prescribed to you, are all contain of drugs. What make it different? That drugs are not going to make you,  to that extend of addiction. 

However, Islam has been forbidding illegal drugs intake so does alcohol as it harms your body. Because Allah says so, I have no objection. Never will.

Day 03 - Your views on drugs and alcohol.

Day 2: 10 Years Ahead?

What will happens to me the next 10 year?

If I live longer. If life runs smoothly. If Allah allows me to still breathing up to the next ten years. Here are my dreams. Dreams that I wish it can be accomplished.

I'm Alhamdulillah 23 by now, so soon it'll be 33. What a number. Of course I hope by my 33rd, I'll have my own kids, 2 perhaps? Hee. The kids that will always have bedtime story. The kids that will always have good night kiss. The kids that will always have my infinity loves. If he is boy, he's Umar. If  she's girl, definitely, Hannah.

Hahahhaa. Beraaaaangan.

Well. 10 years ahead, am I an audiologist? For now, I leave it to Allah; the ONE to decide. If it yes, then that is the right one for me. But, if it doesn't, still that's the best for me.

I hope I own a place that I would really like to call it; home. Even it is a simple one, that's fine. You know the  safest place is your home? The home you can comfortably rest, sleep, cook, do whatever you want. I know it seems doesn't suits well for nowadays (as crimes can happen in your home), but you can't prevent thing which is beyond your control, can you?

Above all have been mentioned above, I want to visit Mekah, doing umrah with my loved ones. :)

The lists keep growing.

Day 02 - Where you’d like to be in 10 years.

Day 1: Relationship!

My Current Relationship?

Well, I know this question mainly focused on man-woman thingy. But, relationship has broader meaning, hasn't it? So, I would really like to express, despite of not having that 'type' of relationship, I'm surrounded more and more loves everyday. I have very supportive parents, lovely friends, kind lecturers clinicians and awesome imaginary friend. Whatever. 

So, my current relationship? I'm taken with lovely loverssss. Mak ayah kawan kawan cikgu cikgu and on top of all those; I have ALLAH and Muhammad Rasulullah!

Day 01 - Your current relationship, if single discuss how single life is.
Day 02 - Where you’d like to be in 10 years.
Day 03 - Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 04 - Your views on religion.
Day 05 - A time you thought about ending your own life.
Day 06 - Write 30 interesting facts about yourself.
Day 07 - Your zodiac sign and if you think it fits your personality.
Day 08 - A moment you felt the most satisfied with your life.
Day 09 - How you hope your future will be like.
Day 10 - Discuss your first love and first kiss.
Day 11 - Put your ipod on shuffle and write 10 songs that pop up.
Day 12 - Bullet your whole day.
Day 13 - Somewhere you’d like to move or visit.
Day 14 - Your earliest memory.
Day 15 - Your favorite quotes.
Day 16 - Your views on mainstream music.
Day 17 - Your highs and lows of this past year.
Day 18 - Your beliefs.
Day 19 - Disrespecting your parents.
Day 20 - How important you think education is.
Day 21 - One of your favorite shows.
Day 22 - How have you changed in the past 2 years?
Day 23 - Give pictures of 5 guys who are famous who you find attractive.
Day 24 - Your favorite movie and what it’s about.
Day 25 - Someone who fascinates you and why.
Day 26 - What kind of person attracts you.
Day 27 - A problem that you have had.
Day 28 - Something that you miss.
Day 29 - Goals for the next 30 days.
Day 30 - Your highs and lows of this month

Masa Pun Ubat Apa!

Aku tak tahu berapa lama masa akan diambil kali ni nak pulih semula. Sakit amat. Well, bukan kali pertama rasa macam ni. Seingat aku, paling kurang empat kali perasaan ni pernah datang. Pertama, gagal dapat 9A PMR. Kedua, bila hilang orang yang dikasihi lagi dicintai lagi disayangi lagi diimpikan oh! Ketiga, bila keputusan PASUM jatuh berdesup. Dan keempat, ini.

Sakit nak pujuk hati. Sakit nak cipta muka dan hati sama seiring menerima gembira bila berjumpa sekalian pengajar. Sakit nak memulakan masa lena. Oh, syukur, air mata sudah reti mahu berhenti kering. Tolong jangan keluar keluar. Hodoh. Benci aku tengok muka cengeng asyik nak meleleh. Ptuih. Huduh tahu!

Benda paling senang nak menstresskan manusia adalah illogical and/or irrational beliefs. Ni aku belajar dalam stress management. Kita, sebagai manusia boleh kekal untuk berfikir yang bukan bukan, atau untuk memerhatikan hidup dari sudut terang cerah gemilang terbilang.

Kadang-kadang aku selalu terfikir, lepas ni kalau aku praktis klinik, clinician akan repeat ke test aku buat? Memang trauma, nightmares segala. Dahlah mimpi entah berapa kali aku jumpa budak ni. Ergh, sudah sudahlah masuk mimpi aku setelah patah renyukkan hati. Hahahha.

Sekarang hujan. Selain dari aku jadi malas nak basuh baju, selebihnya aku suka. Dua hari ni aku kena berulang alik ke bangunan lecturer demi tesis. Sikit punya jauh lagi tidak berbumbung dan hujan? Fuh, menarik sungguh untuk berjalan dalan renyai hujan dan remuk hati. Perfect combination kan?

Aku harap dua bulan berlalu dengan cepat, sebab aku percaya masa adalah ubat perasan paling mujarab. Pun begitu, untuk menerima dua bulan lagi; juga bukan mudah...

Dear Diary: Mama, I'm Sorry!

"Kami sayangkan awak, jadi hari ini awak hanya LULUS BERSYARAT. Awak akan duduki ujian semula mid term nanti,"

Dear Diary,

Still, I couldn't make it. It seems like whatever I did, it'll end up nothing.

Dear Diary,

Mommy was fasting on that day so I could at least had a little peace. I did. I really did it. Except for the last thirteen minutes, where my examiner knocked the door and reminded me that only 13 minutes left. That 13 minutes; I didn't finish one procedure. When I managed to finish up, the test need to be proceeded with the second procedure for the whole frequencies. Alhamdullillah, I did it together with counselling, But, the counselling part, that wasn't done perfectly as the time's up.

Dear Diary,

I really hope that this time I could pass. I tried to overcome my panic, well I guess the fate wasn't for me this time. That last 13 minutes, it ruined the whole session.

Dear Diary,

It was a big impact when my examiners called back the patient to recheck what had I done. That time, I could feel my heart, stop beating. That time, when my heart start to pump in the blood again, it did in a very hurt way. What could had been so hurt when your examiner retest your patient? What does it means? None of my friends had to face this like I did. I felt so stupid, hopeless.

Dear Diary,

It means; they did not trust my results. It means; I'm unreliable. It means; I'm not yet qualified. And among all my friends, I'm the real loser.

Dear Diary,

I was a big relief until I cried in front of my examiners! I had no words to say but tears loaded to burst out. It was at least calming me when he said, the result wasn't differ much than his. It was also a big relief when he did agree that the patient is quite difficult to get the threshold. At least, I'm not that bad after all. At least, I was not spending time unnecessarily as he claimed I was. 

Dear Diary,

I've been trained for a year and half, and only a day taken to receive: You're not at what we hoped you should.

Dear Diary,

I called mom. I cried badly until I didn't know what I was mumbling for. I kept asking apologizes from her until she stopped me by saying I'm cleverer than her. That more than enough for her. Well, the tears stopped for a while before it worsening. 

Dear Diary,

But, still I didn't manage it to pass. 

Dear Diary,

I text-ed my two lecturers which are my doctors too. I said how much I was sorry for not making it. Back then, it reminds me how audiology wasn't my dreams but after I got sick for quite a long time and they helped me; it did change my perception towards my course, audiology. Since then, I love this course, for the sake of people who helped me.

Dear Diary,

I work harder. I read a lot. Not to please or impress lecturers or clinicians but to pay back their kindness towards me. I borrowed a lot of books and being in a library sometimes for the whole day to absorb word by word from the text books. I keep on telling myself up to now, I owe them and the only way to pay back; being success.

Dear Diary,

Prof. Din called me to motivate. With tears, again, I lost. The only thing I could say, my future that I see so bright, now becomes completely dark. I told him, I guess being audiologist didn't suit me well. He convinced me that, that wasn't true. The problem was I easily panic. I smiled, there are few things I can't work under pressure. One of that, this.

Dear Diary,

I guess I want to agree with one of my friends when he said he hoped he will not being examined with certain examiners. I was at that time told him, if I were him, I'll hope to get the questions I can answer. So, there will be no room to fail him.

Well, I guess I am wrong this time.

Dear Diary,

I'm in the acceptance phase now but sometimes I reject the fact that I failed. Well, my best friend who face a lot worse than I am, advised me that it's natural to reject for certain times. She said, Allah sees and counts my effort to 'redha'. Allah knows best. She said too, HE wants me to fail because of the reason that I don't know... yet. And, when the time comes, I'll realize and grateful for the failure I'm facing now. She said, He  wants to test me how much I understand the word 'hamba'.

I cried again for her words. Thanks, Hadiah.

Dear Diary,

I'm fine now. Please, help me face this from now on. My spirit, sometimes up high, sometimes...

p/s: I did think of changing course.