Only If I Could Say

Have you ever feel that when you really want to do something, REALLY WANT, and when you're about to do that, you just stop and the next morning you proudly say, oh thanks god I don't do that!

Have you?

I do.

It was past 2 weeks or 3 weeks. I couldn't remember. I was terribly sad until I couldn't stand anymore. Oh, it wasn't because of my clinical. It just something real personal. It just something that you know it was wrong and yet you still couldn't avoid to keep doing that. Thus, when night's coming, you hide under the blanket, silently crying, asking forgiveness, remorseful, repent and stuck!

Yeah, the word 'stuck' suits well.

I couldn't even breath properly that night and it's worsening when I started to think about my past; the person I would really like to call as my dearly best friend. 

***

As mentioned in the book titled 'Men are from Mars, and Women are from Venus', it gives better explanation about the differences why men are much better than women in certain thing, vice versa,  and why I like to talk to men more.

I like male lecturers.

I like male clinicians.

I like male doctors.

I like male nurses.

I like male psychologist/psychiatrist.

I like male friends.

I really like my male ex-bestfriend.

It's not the issue of gender bias. No it isn't. 

I just feel, female lecturers are too particular until I'm unable to capture every single details provided.

I just feel male clinicians give information without emotion involvement. Or, if they do, the good in hiding it.

The male doctor make me much better to feel patient as a patient. They make a joke while giving me spinal injections. They have full of ideas to calm me down when to remove blood tube in my knee, even when they're forgot to cut the stitches first!

I like male nurses more. They didn't scold me when I wanted the injection on my right hand and not left. They didn't nag on me when I said something that they didn't know and not claim as I tried to act cleverer or reminded me who was the nurse here? They kindly hold my hand when I kept pushing away whenever I couldn't stand the pain. They ask FORGIVENESS when they were unable to get my blood and needed to find another vein for the fifth time.

I like when male people advise me. The words they use, better. In fact, the 'leakage' among male, significantly lower. 

No offense, I'm a woman and I admit, I'm not even better in male group as well as female. I'm bad in everything. It just like, whatever in my hands, it will goes wrong. 

***

He is far away from me. Far in the sense of distance, and heart, and mind. 

I used to say anything that make my day down and he with his words; what quran and hadith said, and perhaps the quotes he made up (sometimes it was so silly), I feel better. He gave me his shoulder, wiped my tears, and built my spirit stronger! Perfect male friend.

I opened my email account. Started to write and hoping the words that used to make my day, come again.

But past is past. And over is over.

I shut my laptop down and hoping, only If I could say...