Wednesday, June 29, 2011

... [13]



Oh wow! One semester and two another bottles not in the photo. Pheww. I have enough masseter exercise everyday! In other words, I'm a chewer for 4 years and will be all the years ahead.

Monday, June 27, 2011

... [12]

Even the whole world against me.








 It's okay.

Saturday, June 25, 2011

Jurnal Saya Si Orang Baru




Bayi dan lemak sungguh awesome. Tangan berlipat tiga tetap nampak marvellous, sedap, rasa nak gigit! Ahaaa. Cuma adult lengan berlipat? Mula teringat berkilo-kilo pertambahan duduk goyang kaki kat rumah, ohhh~

Oh hello. Nama saya Batrisy. Umur 3 bulan. First time saya jumpa makcik ni walaupun saya dah lahir 3 bulan dulu. :')



When you have three siblings, nak tidur pun tak senang! Pantang kau dipegang, kakak dan abang mulalah, haaaaaip! Pegang adik aku ye? Tak tahu ke diorang aku sungguh gemar didukung, apatah lagi lena dalam dukungan! Haaaaish! SUsah betul abang kakak sungguh protective ni!




Finally! Yeay! Lullaby makcik ini sungguh umph, sampai terpeleot leher aku tertidur pun dia tak sedar dek layang keghairahan bermain abang dan kakak aku. Tak kisahlah, janji dapat tidur!

Sekian, jurnal Batrisya dilawat makcik jarang jumpa. Daaa!

Inilah Antara Manusia

Aku berdiri di celahan ramai manusia di tengah tengah lautan manusia. Aku berdiri kaku seolah-olah aku berada di dimensi sebuah masa. Melawat sesaknya manusia, berlalu dan berjalan tanpa peduli aku.Tanpa peduli diriku.

Aku menilai manusia merebut masuk ke dalam gerabak pada satu masa. Di sini bukan tempat aku. Aku tidak reti mengejar bagaimana di sini. Aku tidak fasih atas bahasa peraturan mana di sini.

Aku hanya aku. Kaku dalam dunia perhati.

Satu tren berlalu. Tren laluan aku. Manusia berebut bagai sudah tiada keretapi lagi nanti. Berlari, bertolak, menolak, ditolak, tanpa tahu adab kau mahu masuk sila bergerak ke kiri. Itu tertib. Biar yang mahu keluar, berlalu dulu. Engkau nanti. Maka rebutan ini, buat aku memilih melepaskan pergi. Nanti pasti ada lagi.

Bukan hanya aku, beberapa kumpulan lagi ketinggalan. Dan beberapa orang bakal terkepit antara celahan pintu memaksa jasad masuk juga walau apa cara.

Barangkali perlu ada manusia terperosok di bawah tayar besi, mati, maka baru kau sedar dunia ini bukan mengejar keretapi semata?

Tren kedua, 7 minit.

Aku bangun beratur di celahan ramai. Lautan manusia buat aku mual, sesak, dan loya pada bau karbon dioksida. Aku lemas. Kutarik novel dicelahan barangan lain, mengalih pandang, mengubah fikir agar loya mual ini bisa hilang serta merta.

Aku abadikan dunia 7 minit menanti pada kisah cerita novel setebal 3cm itu. Dunia aku tenang sahaja. Dunia bising dalam rebutan manusia, aku bisukan pada cerita manusia, plotnya ada, layarnya aku reka. Aku menjadi manusia berada di depan pada barisan.

Bukan aku mahu cepat, tidak mengapa. Aku hanya tidak mahu ketinggalan kerana aku tidak reti bagaimana berebut dan aku tidak ingin itu. Satu persatu meninggal selesa mula mengatur langkah merapati barisan. Sesekali bacaan terhenti melihatkan manusia yang hadir bagai tiada sudah.

Ramai. Sungguh ramai.

"Tren ke Seremban akan tiba 3 minit lagi. Train to Seremban will be arriving in 3 minutes,"

Satu persatu menolak aku. Aku tutup kemas helaian dan aku melihat tajam. Satu menolak. Satu berebut. Satu berdiri tanpa segan.

Semua ingin cepat. Semuanya masa. Namun sama sekali pada hemah aku tidak membenarkan untuk kehilangan nilai baik manusia.

Namun aku malas bicara. Sini bukan dunia aku. 








Dan aku berlalu pergi.
Melepaskan tren kedua untuk sekali lagi....

Friday, June 24, 2011

... [13]



This is very me, but it shows that  I'm not yet ready to be a housewife! Mana ada housewife jot down all the household chores checklists. Haih! 

So, stop asking unless you want to introduce me one!

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Review: The Diary of A Young Girl; Anne Frank


Here we go. I bought this thin book during 2005/2006 if I'm not mistaken at Pekan Buku, UM. Pekan Buku was one of the most visited places during my foundation at PASUM besides library.

And I didn't read it straightaway until 2009 where I spent my midterm break at home. I wish I read it earlier so I had enough time to find its full version but sadly, I didn't. When I finished, I wrote very little regarding this book to my blog as I want to spare the whole review if only I have the chance to buy the real one.

And I did! Yeay!

It was last week, I went back to Popular to find the book that I reserve and you know, good thing will come visit you just once, and tadaaa it will simply leave if you not grab it. So, the book was not on the shelf and I expected it to happen.

So to satisfy my feelings, I bought 3 novels instead! Bahahhahah! Hambik kau!

Adik aku beli 2 biji yang salah satunya pilihan aku dan menjadikannya 4 buku! Heaven gila hidup bila sekarang terpaksa menjadi the only child kat rumah. Nobody but me will be here started 1.30 pm till 6pm. and that is terribly bad to have only quite home accompany you.

So the books really help. Cumanya, kalau dulu tak sabar nak habiskan buku sebab novel library mana pernah habis baca tapi sekarang baca pelan pelan takut khatam buku cepat sangat. Kasihaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!

Benda yang menggembirakan hanya datang sekali dan sekali itu kau kena sambar cepat cepat or else bummm, dia hilang. And guess what? Antara 4 buku baru, salah satunya adalah ini. I found this book finally! The full version of the Anne Frank Diary! And I'm so happy walaupun tak dapat beli buku Muammar Gaddafi sebab harga dia pffft!

Mahal supo bedei! Huh! :P




Buku ini mengisahkan perihal 8 orang Jews di Netherlands ketika Perang Dunia II. 8 orang ini adalah the Franks Family and beberapa yang lain yang menyorok di bahagian atas sebuah pejabat sepanjang DUA TAHUN! Kau bayangkan dua tahun. Aku dua hari terperuk dalam bilik pun boleh lemas, inikan pula 2 tahun. 

Tempat persembunyian ini mereka namakan as The Secret Annexe.

Anne received a diary during her 13th birthday (kalau aku tak silap) dan namakan diari itu sebagai Kitty (her imaginary friend). She wrote everything about her daily life, boys who were in love with her, the annoying family members of The Secret Annexe, the war, the Nazi and etc. Diorang menyorok sehinggalah ditemui oleh pihak Jerman selepas itu.

Aku tak pernah berperang apatah lagi hidup zaman perang. Kalau kau nak rasa macam mana takutnya rasa, aku sarankan kau baca buku ni sebab walau berapa kali aku pesan pada diri baca slow slow nanti habis cepat, aku tetap baca laju laju. Hahahhahah. Baca laju laju bukan nak khatam cepat, tapi nak tahu apa sudahnya walaupun tahu last sekali ending tak berapa menarik. Baca laju laju sebab setiap mukasurat (hari yang baru for each page), membawa maksud ketakutan dan harapan yang baru.

"The book speaks for itself. It gives another perspective to World War II. This is the true story of a group of people who are living in hope and fear,"  Here.

Kalau kau tanya aku pasal perang perang, ampun maaf sebab aku tak tahu dan tak berapa nak tahu lagi walaupun sekarang bau bau concern tu dah makin ada. Aku baca cerita dan it leads to another story, dan World War II adalah antara dalam list bacaan aku sekarang. Kalau kau tanya aku Yahudi salah ke Nazi salah, atau Nazi kejam Yahudi lembut, sumpah aku tak tahu details tapi mengingatkan penyelidikan Nazi terhadap diorang ni, ohhhhhh. Well, the saying said;

Two wrongs never make a right, right? 

Apa yang bagus dengan buku ni?

Pertama, ia berkisarkan tentang satu dunia yang kita tak pernah rasa; dunia peperangan. Aku harap aku tak akan pernah rasa kerana dengan berperang, outcome dia tak ada yang positif melainkan negatif belaka. Dengan buku ini, kau akan memanjatkan syukur kerana kau tak perlu menyorok didalam negara sendiri walaupun lambakan jenayah buat kau nak menyorok je dalam rumah.

Walaupun dunia ini kau tak pernah rasa, kau boleh rasai keperitannya dengan membaca.

Kedua; buku ini sungguh banyak kata kata yang buat kau rasa selalu nak terfikir. Contohnya, kau tengok gambar kat bawah ni. Ni gambar buku aku, aku ambil sebelum aku habis baca.




Kau nampak warna hijau antara celahan buku? Biasanya, buku buku yang aku dah baca (kecuali buku pinjam of course -.-") dan terkandung sesuatu yang menarik, quotes sebagai contoh, aku akan tandakan. Ni masa aku baca separuh dan kau boleh tengok berapa banyak quoates yang menarik dalam buku ini yang ditulis oleh seorang kanak kanak yang matang sebelum usianya. Tu baru separuh... Haih! Buat jahanam buku!


I call the quote, HOPE!

Another example.
Ketiga, cerita ini ada versi movie. Kawan aku pernah bagi link video. Oh, cerita Anne ni selain dah ditranslate into thirty languages (perhaps more), dia juga telah diterjemahkan ke dalam bentuk dokumentari/movie. Aku malas nak kobek blog aku, aku cari dalam youtube, nasib jumpa balik. Yang video kat bawah ni, part satu. Part part seterusnya kau cari sendirilah. I'm strongly advise for you to read first, then watch. Kawan aku bagi link 2, 3 tahun lepas kalau tak silap dan aku tengok dua bahagian pertama. Tapi aku stop. Sayang nak tengok dulu sebelum jumpa the full version.

Kau tahulah, once kau dah tengok video, kau punya imaginasi masa membaca secara tidak langsung dah ada limitnya.



Aku dah tengok dah cumanya English dia uihhh~ Aku rasa sepanjang malam aku tengok, pekak sekejap telinga dek disumbat insert earphone bervolume tinggi kes cuba nak dengar dengan teliti. Hehhehhee.

Keempat, minda kau terbuka dengan lebih baik untuk memahami sejarah amnya, dan World War II khususnya. 

Disebabkan aku ada banyak buku tengah queue, aku akan mulakan upacara memberi bintang. Hehhehe. For this book based on storyline, kekuatan cerita, values, latar belakang, I give teng teng teng..........

4.2/5!

Tinggikan? So, feel free to read!

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

... [12]

If I'm going to be given the opportunity to be a lecturer someday, I'll smile to this situation, the situation of mine. The situation of how hard a student to put a courage to call their lecturer, not to mention the rehearsal they do in front of the mirror. How funny it is? 










No, it is not. But it is good to remember. 

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Ceritera

The ambitious Dr Normani. I adore him!




My best lecturer, doctor, supervisor, PA (Penasihat Akademik),  naqeeb; Prof. Dinsuhaimi. :)



The guys at the back; the most memorable one. :')




This was the last day; the presentation day, the proper day we gathered in the class. Dr. Zu and PM Dr. Rosdan weren't here. Dr. Zu had a work and PM Dr. Rosdan was on his sabbatical leave. I was a little bit sad as these two lecturers also my pemberi-semangat lecturer.

Time flies fast, but this moment... remains.

Monday, June 20, 2011

Jangkaan

Why eh orang kita semua fikir course ni tak ada kerja, course itu tak ada kerja. Tak boleh ke stop for a while and thinking for better future. They deserve to do whatever they wanna do. Okay, let say it is true, just... could you please do not force?

Kita terlalu takut, tersangat takut untuk risiko.

I went to my sis first day at her Institut Perguruan. She loves teaching. Good for her. But, I just couldn't bear with certain people kept on telling their children that this is the best way. Being a teacher. Get accepted. Allowance is sure. And you'll never be jobless.

At certain point, it is.

But, I do not see it the way they see it. I see it otherwise. If I want to be an artist, what's wrong with that? If I want to be a novelist, what's wrong with that? If I want to be a kindergarten teacher, what's wrong with that? 

It's happiness that all matters at the end of the day.

My parents always remind me to have better skills in speaking that they think it decreases day by day. Well, they said so and keep on repeating it until I'm sick of it. They're right. Maybe I shut my mouth too much here. I just smile, I don't speak more than it supposed to. I mean, I just answer the questions being asked, and asking few questions in return to be nice.

Not more, not less. Why? It is I'm mostly disagree the belief that they're holding! Therefore, before I speak out, letting them know what my stand is and worsening the situation, so it's better for me to just keep silent, right?

In this life, we assume too much. Very much. My dear lecturer once told me that I made assumptions too much during my pediatric clinical viva. I assume that the patient can't hear. I assume the patient having these and those kind of results. He might be right. He might be wrong as well. But, he is my lecturer, forever will so I take it as it is. I'm respectful student unless you want to think otherwise, then it will be otherwise.

It just I saw that patient multiple times and coincidentally (luckily) this patient be my patient during clinical viva.

I didn't assume I just supposed shouldn't memorize those kind of his results that day. That's it.

I do make assumptions too. I make assumptions so I can work efficiently. Should I mention that most of the time my assumption are true? But, when it turned all wrong, I do feel bad but I worked for it. I learnt. That's why it is good to take it into account. That's why we call it plan A, plan B, or just-in-case.

Well, assumptions are not all wrong, but do not allow it to dictate our life. We have HIM, who already have the best plan for us, and we just have to ask for it.





We call it, DU'A.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

... [11]

Hati cekal.
Hati besar.
Semangat kental.

I will. There's a way. There is always will!




Aminn ya Rabb~

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Stupidity

I watched Mission Imposibble III last night on TV3. Roughly, the story was about the betrayal of your boss. He supported the crime while at the same time he was responsible and on a mission to catch them. (Catch? Hahhahaha)

However, It's a film, just a film that directed to do so.

But, today.

Seorang pegawai kanan polis dan lima anggota berpangkat rendah yang lain terlibat dalam kes pengedaran dadah di Malaysia.

That's not a film. It has no director. It's real.






Now, who else can be trusted?

Friday, June 17, 2011

Why?

"Are you... Malay?"
"No,"
"No? You look like Malay,"
"I'm dark, but not so dark to be Indian. But not that fair to be Chinese. But no. I'm Muslim. I like to be known as a muslim,"

Smiling.

"If it is okay, why?"
"Muslim can be Malay. But Malay, there's no guarantee they're Muslim,"

Smiling.

"I'd really like to talk to you, but I have to go right now. I'm sorry,"
"When?"

Kataba. Maktabun.
Darosa. Madrosun.
'Allimu. Mu'allim.
Islam. Muslimun.
Iman. Mu'minun.

Those stigmas, attitude, belief, hatred, no, I'm not.
I've been trying not to be.

"When?"

Smiling. KTM stopped. Destination has just arrived.





"Someday..."

Thursday, June 16, 2011

... [10]

One day, everything will be okay.













One step forward. Closer.
Only you can do is just keep breathing.

Kecewa

I woke up early recently. I do think that believing in hope is actually you're believing that Allah will answer your dua'. It just only a matter of time for when, and how do you will get it.Well, I don't know whether it is true or not but everytime I have to face the pain, deep down there will be a voice with the faintest sound but clearly heard, that I still have time to pray and HE always be there happy to help. 

And it's weird somehow because even it is the smallest thing, near nothing, by remembering that the chance of dua' (I really really believe it will be answered!) that I used to I will clearly be happy. For no reasons most of the time. I guess I have a very strong faith in this thing. Very strong.

Recently, I guess I broke someone heart without being realized that what I've done was wrong. No. I knew it was wrong, but not how I have to face it this time with all the misunderstandings here and there, until no words were better to be used. So, creating distance is the only way, at least I think that is the best at this moment.

I hope that all of this thing will fade away sooner. And it's good if all of this thing never happened at the first place. But it's already happened so I pray for the time to move fast so I'll remember none of it. Not the situation neither does the person. Empty. 

It just like never happens. Never know each other.

I hate the fact that I did something I shouldn't have done. I hate the fact that I never will able to carry the feeling of being guilty which sometimes it just better to remain silent. I hate the fact that the misunderstanding still happens no matter how hard I try to explain.

I'm not good at this particular situation. Big sigh.



It's really disturbing, and it is worse as I keep waking up every hour, every night for these three days. I think I'm strong enough to forget but clearly I'm not. I think this is nothing, but I.. (smiling), I'm not good to ignore the situation that broke other's heart. 

And that voice appears again asking me how about to pray harder?

I don't know if it is true and I know it's weird but this is what I always do by the way. What I believe. You know by imagine the people you hurt, having deep breath in your very last sujud, it just your heart did all the talking, you mentioned  his/her full name to HIM that how sorry you're. 

You hope HE will soften  and eases his/her heart to take it easy, trying to forgive or even if not, you hope that there will be a room of acceptance and tolerance, at least?

You take all the time, you tell everything you heart want to burst out and you hope and you believe HE will send straightaway to him/her. And at certain point, you really really talk and you really really think that you really really talk to him/her?

But the doubt you have here is, will he/she really really listens? Does he/she know or feel that somebody is really really really really really making an effort?

Allah knows BEST. :)





p/s: I'm going crazy I think.
p/s/s: For unknown reason, I smile now. I live in a fairytale land perhaps. Sigh.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

It's HOT To Go!

AWAK RASA AWAK HOT TAK????
CoOL. My blog said so.

UPLOAD WALLPAPER YANG AWAK GUNA SEKARANG
Sorry. This is public computer, I mean my home computer so the wallpaper isn't really reflect me. So, no point. Bu if you really wanna know, it's my pic with hijab and niqab on. Just like my profile pic on the right sidebar. Okay?

CECITER PASAL GAMBAR TERSEBUT
I just got my camera during my first year. So I had free time and I took 54 pictures and only 1 picture that came out nicely.

Anyway, that picture sometimes troubles me. I got friends requested through FB just because they think I'm beautiful with hazel looking eyes. It just camera flash by the way. And, the worst was I kena caci maki sebab tak istiqamah pakai niqab like what-the-heck?

KALI TERAKHIR KORANG MAKAN PIZZA
With Ain. She just went back from Umrah with my smiling as she brought together my dua'.

LAGU TERAKHIR YANG KAMU DENGAR
Saat Terakhir.
Melupakanmu butuh waktu seumur hidupku.

AWAK BUAT APA JER MASA JAWAB TAG NI
Finding ways... for my future.

NAMA PANGGILAN SAYA SELAIN NAMA PENUH
Hudz.
They're too lazy to pronouce it right; Huda. :)

SIAPA YANG SAYA NAK TAG 5 ORANG
1. Nobody
2. Anynomous
3. Alien
4. MIF
5. Doremon

ORANG NO.1 TUH SIAPA
Basically a person near, always seen, never talk, have nothing important to do with my life. Nobody.

LUAHKAN SESUATU DEKAT NO.5
When I was young, I really wanna pencil color contains 36 different colors. Nobody knew as I kept it that way. Everytime I think about it, I just knew I won't get it. So, I always hope you (Doremon. I really did), to appear and gave me your magical water; a drop of it can make the thing to multiply itself.

It never happened anyway.

NO.3 ADA HUBUNGAN DENGAN SIAPA
It is a man, from mars. He get crush with a girl, from venus. But they both, can't be together. Never will.

NO.2 PULAK BAGAIMANA
They have no name. Not inside my heart, but they'll always read it here and I appreciate.

KATA-KATA CINTA KEPADA NO.4
She is my imaginary friend with thousand names. Yes, she always be with me only when I depressed.

FAKTA MENGENAI 5 ORANG YANG KAMU TAG
1. Nobody; charming, handsome, beautiful, but not too obvious in my life therefore I've never notice. But, sometimes, these people appear in my dream which none I can't remember about.

2. Anynomous; these people, the come and they go. Sometimes, they come again but none will remains.

3. Alien; from other planets. Too contagious.

4. MIF; I hope you'll be visiting me during my happy time, too.

5. Doremon; only if you exist. But, I already accepted the fact that you're not.

Clueless




... Keeping distance. Too far, yet too close.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

... [9]

Curiosity and obsession are the same thing? 











In case you drop by, I'm truly really sorry. 

Monday, June 13, 2011

Challenge

Tengok budak budak ni, sama macam aku sekolah dulu. Bezanya, aku tak macam ni jumpa fasi dari luar, dari orang yang tak pernah dikenali, apatah lagi lepasan universiti. 

"Okay kita mulakan sesi taaruf,"
"Okay kita mulakan sesi taaruf,"
"Siapa nak mula dulu?"
"Siapa nak mula dulu?"

Tarik nafas.

"Nama akak.."
"Nama akak..."

Okay, you guys wanna play bad? Fine, let us play.

"Umur berapa?"
"14,"
"You know how old I am? I am 24! Older than you! If you underestimateme  for a faci, then respect me because I am older and I DESERVE RESPECT! If you don't like me, then fine. I don't care. I DON'T CARE! But mind you, for these two days, I AM YOUR BOSS. I'm not your ordinary faci. I'm not belong here but today, I AM!! And, I'm going to do whatever I wanna do, and you listen to me! Do you hear me? Do you understand?!"

Silent! Phew! Bursting out was good.

Benda aku tak suka dengan kem kem motivasi adalah fasilitator nya garang macam singa. Kalau cakap tak menengking memang tak sah. Mata liar gila nak cari salah. Oh. Sebab tu kalau aku kena pergi aku ponteng. Kalau tak boleh ponteng, aku tuang beberapa program. Kalau tak boleh, adalah perangai aku.

Cuma, kalau tiada sesi tengking menengking, aku memang gila baik ah.

Tapi sepanjang yang aku ingat, bila motivasi dikendalikan orang luar, apatah lagi budak universiti, respek aku lain macam ohhhh~

Tapi kali ni tidak!

Sebab budak budak ni, masyallah. Kau ingat aku suka marah marah ni. Kemonlah. AKu dulu pun benci kena marah, tak mungkinlah aku ulang. But this, time. Phewww.

Aku tak banyak cakap sebab aku memang tak bercakap sangat kat sini. Tapi aku perhati. Ada seorang budak lelaki memang sangat rebellious. Sangat. Tag nama orang pakai kat dada, dia ikat kat tangan. Rambut sebelah panjang sebelah pendek. The first moment divide group, aku tahu aku akan dapat budak lelaki tu dalam group aku.

Namun, aku tidak menyangka kesemua 10 orang budak lelaki dalam group aku memiliki perangai yang sama dengan diaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

"Look, I can be good and I can be better. I can be bad, and I can be worse. I can react accordingly, I will respect you as long as you respect me. Are we clear?"

Sorang buat muka aku sakit hati.

"Hey! I don't like that face!"
"Err sorry akak,"
"Once again you do it, I won't let you in. You'll be alone, and all alone,"

Phewwww!

"Are we clear?"
"Yesss..."
"Okay, now kita chill and relax... Nama akak...."

One thing I realize why I like to be friend with guys and having guys as my bestfriends in life. This. I can speak out, they can speak out too but none of us will be hurt. All I said, all they said, everything are all clear! No offence taken.

Same goes here, these kids though all of them were rebellious, out spoken, very stone-headed, after I make it clear, what I like what I don't like, they're I would say respect me. They knew just by my single glance.

Biasalah kan group group LDK mestilah ada yang bertanding. Group aku ni, mulut banyak. Semua benda nak lawan. Semua benda nak menjawab. Menangnya tidak.

"Hmmm.. nombor 4 je? Cakap bung bang bukan main. Melawan nombor satu. Ni je?"

Senyap.

"When I play, I play to win. Or else, I don't play to lose,"

Aku blah.

Somehow, aku rasa aku tak berapa bagus nasihatkan orang, give spirit, motivate. It just, I think semua benda spirit motivate ni, aku gain by my own way. Nobody understand the way I took, the way I learn, the way I understand, the way I proceed. So, It just, I'm not good at this.

"Nak jadi apa?"
"Ustaz,"

Satu group ketawa galak. Aku kerut kening. Masa ni, masa yang kau dah baik dengan diorang, diorang dah baik dengan kau lepas tu ingat senang senang boleh pijak kepala. No way!

"Kenapa gelak? Dia nak jadi ustaz, awak gelak kenapa?"

Senyap.

"Awak? Hah, awak? Awak? Kenapa gelak?"

Senyap. Tunduk. Tak paham aku, tadi gelak sangat.

"Sebab dia nak jadi ustaz, so awak rasa awak lagi bagus sebab awak nak jadi engineer? Awak lagi hebat sebab awak nak jadi arkitek? Sebab awak nak jadi angkasawan awak lagi hebat?"

Senyap.

"You know what. My friend, he is a doctor, and dia ustaz as well. What's wrong with being an ustaz?"

Senyap. Aku pun tak tahu mana satu kawan aku yang dah jadi ustaz tapi aku consider budak budak warak dekat U aku ada yang bagi ceramah adalah ustaz. Whatever.

Aku, deep down kecewa juga tengok diorang ni. Masa bina group nak bagi nama, semuanya unsur unsur maharaja lawak. Nak buat motto, maharaj lawak. Nak buat trademark, maharaja lawak. Apa nilai yang ada dalam diorang ni pun aku tak tahu.

Sayang sungguh.

Aku tak nampak misi. Aku tak nampak visi. Dalam walau seorang dari mereka. So, aku guide almost everything even nak letak nama group. Aku cakap elok elok yang nak buat nama yang diorang nak macam bad boys tu tak salah kalau rasa rasa just a nama. Tapi, aku tanya lagi, awak nak jadi teruk ke? Awak rasa cool ke dengan nama Bad Boys dan dalam masa yang sama awak doa kat tuhan yes, I wanna be bad?

Aku tarik nafas panjang banyak sangat sebab, almost everything aku rasa, generasi aku ni, banyak hiburan dari rasional which kalau sekalipun bukan nak pimpin negara, bagaimana keluarga?

Oh!

Aku ada cakap dengan mak aku, aku nak buat free tuition lepas Isyak. Aku pun tak tahu nak ajar apa, tapi yeah, aku rasa abila aku mengajar akademik, so secara tak langsung, aku boleh ajar benda lain.

Cuma, aku jenis tak bercakap kat sini so free tuition tu senyap kat situ. Boleh je aku nak cakap dengan orang surau, cuma I don't how to speak. Here.

Hahahha. Nampak aku kerek gila kan. Kekekkee. Aah, sangat kerek tapi this kerekness, aku get along dengan diorang. I mean, yeap, I can feel it. Its good. Really good dari masa nak tidur, of course lah aku kena tidur dengan budak perempuan yang tak makan saman orang cakap menjawab tapi pengecut menjawab belakang belakang.

Come onlah. Kau buat perangai dengan salah orang.

Apa yang bagus dengan program ni untuk aku. Personally untuk aku. Hehhehehee. AKu belajar sembelih ayam sebab budak budak ni cabar and guess what yehaaaaa aku sembelih ayam! Aku sembelih ayam! Hehehhee.

"Akak, we all win!"









Hehehhee. They took as a challenge, and we won the first place! 

Friday, June 10, 2011

... [8]

"Fasi jugak ke?"
"Aah, akak?"
"Yep. Kak Hud... Kak Ngah.. err.. Kak Syida,, errr, akak nak bahasa diri apa eh?"
"Ikut akak lah,"
"Errrmm.. Kak Huda, yes Kak Huda,"





I used to have a lot of namesssss. I created them all. And the worst name I picked... was Syida. Syida? Like, how soft I'm suppose to be... Syida?

Huda is better, Syahid kind of okay but yeah, I'm thinking of Hannah if dream comes true.


Please pray, for me....




p/s: That's the problem to initiate conversation. Aku selesa guna third person instead of using /saya/.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Tragedy

I was on my way back from night market; which was rarely. When I was safely crossing the road, payoh eh kecek omputeh ni. Hee.

Masa selamat lintas ada basikal ditunggang budak around 8 tahun and dia bawa budak area 3-4 tahun. Tiba-tiba dia berhenti mengejut depan aku dan aku nampak budak yang membonceng menangis selok.

Err.. menangis selok ni macam kau menangis tapi kau permulaan menangis yang suara tak keluar air mata berkerut nafas stop, dan kau tahan sakit sekali. Haa. Macam tulah.

Terkejut aku. Aku bagi plastik makanan dekat adik aku dan aku lari pergi dekat. Abang dia terkejut tengok kaki adik dia tersangkut dalam roda basikal. Aku lagilah terkejut. Buatnya patah, fracture, ligamen putus ke apa. 

"It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. Shhhhh,"

Aku tak sempat stopkan abang dia dari force kaki adik dia keluar so the only thing yang aku boleh buat dulu, tenangkan budak ni yang dah boleh keluar suara menangis; sakit dan terkejut.

Abang dia sapu sapu kaki adik dia tapi makin kuat menangis. Aku tak tahu sakit sebab luka, atau sakit benda lain. Cepat aku tarik tangan abang dia dan tenangkan dan cakap apa yang kita boleh buat. Dia bagi aku ais.

Yeah. Aku teringatkan lutut aku yang kena balut dengan ais 3 hari 3 malam nak kurangkan bengkak so aku try nak dab kan dengan ais but he kept on jauhkan kaki dengan aku jerit tak nak.

"It's okay. It's okay. Kakak tak buat. See, akak tak pegang ais pun. Okay, Adam sakit kat mana? Bagitahu kakak,"

Yeah. His name is Adam. Dan tahniah, dia menangis makin kuat yang buat aku risau. Patah ke? Heee. Nak juga guna /kakak/ lagi, padahal taraf aunty dah. Kekekeke.

Sebab dia menangis makin kuat, maka aku usap belakang dia untuk redakan. Aku rasa dia terkejut, dan aku stranger. Stranger adalah tak bagus untuk kanak kanak, okay. Bila menangis makin kuat, aku jadi gerun semacam. Yeap. AKu tak suka keadaan macam tu because I can't think! 

And aku imagine benda yang tak best, yang teruk teruk; macam patah or fracture instead of being realistic. 

Aku usap dan keep on pujuk everything is fine, he is a good boy, he's doing well. Lama-lama makin slow dan sedu sedan makin jarak jarak.

"Okay. Gooood boyyyyyy. Kakak tengok kaki Adam boleh,"

Mula nak nangis.

"Okay, kakak tak pegang,"

Tangan aku angkat macam nak kena tangkap polis. -.-"
Syukur dia tak menangis.

Aku mula teringatkan Hadiah bila berdepan benda macam ni. Aku pernah tanya dia pasal fracture, pasal patah, pasal inflammation, pasal bruising et cetera. Entah mana tiba tiba minda aku teringat Hadiah pernah cerita pasal compartment syndrome. Aku tak tahulah make sense ke tak tapi menengokkan cara kaki dia terbelit dalam roda basikal tu dan dengan budak umur 3 tahun, everything is possible. At least possible in my mind. Though it won't. Heee.

Tapi sumpah aku takut kalau patah atau fracture.

Just to make thing okay, aku hanya boleh fikir logik je lah buat masa tu.

"Kakak nak pegang kaki sikit je. Tak ada darah pun. Kuatnya Adammmm. Okay, sikit je kakak pegang,"

Thanks god tak panas dan tak merah. Masa ni teringatkan kawan yang pernah assess lutut takut kalau kalau ada inflammation. So, aku rasa tak bengkak.

"Okay, Adam boleh gerakkan ni (jari kaki) untuk kakak tak?"

Dia cuba gerakkan and He did well. Aku tak tahulah apa yang aku fikir ni betul ke tak, tapi yang aku fikir masa tu, kalau ada apa apa berlaku dekat pergelangan kaki dia, dia takkan boleh gerak hujung jari. Simple.

Syukurr.

"Goood boy! Very good boy,"

Aku pandang abang dia.

"Bawa adik balik dan cakap dengan mak eh. Ingat tu, cakap dengan mak ayah,"

Aku pesan, in case something happens later. Who knows?








"Kakak, terima kasih,"

Oh...

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Review: Run Mummy Run!



Full Review; Here.

As usual, a picture of this tiny little creature will never fails to stop me even if I'm in rush. I'll just stop and enjoying the pure heart of human. Kids. Babies.

I was having my own time at POPULAR. One of the bookstores, here, not far from my home. With really tight budget, I was like dying to have this book and the other one with the same author. It is not too expensive but being a jobless people like me, I'm in the situation where every penny I have is crucial to know to where it will go.

Well, I put aside my money to buy a new book rack oh no, I do not have any by the way, most of the books, my books were in Kelantan before. So, I was thinking of buying a new one and I did have a look for it.

But, I was too reluctant to go back home without these books. I wanted both but well I just can choose one so I chose this book with the cutest printed girl on it. Oh!

And tengggg!

My money went to a novel. This novel. Hayya. And I'll think another day for the book rack.

But, I guess it is worth it.

So, why don't you give a try?

My heart was pounding every chapter I went through. Pheww. I'm still wondering how come a nice and charming guy can change that fast and became the cruel evil syaitoooonirrajim people. Huuu. You know, I'm quite upset when a marriage didn't go well and the most innocent people that had to pay, were the kids?

They didn't deserve this.
The should've a new fresh start, not to be burden with parents problem or mistakes.
The should be filled with endlessly joy and love and life. The good one.

And, Sarah (the daughter of Aisha in this book), were mature enough to hold her mother's pain despite her age just because his pyscho daddy?

She didn't deserve this. Not the kids in her age. 

It is a loooooot hurt because this story, is a TRUE story. Not the author's imagination. And what was it like if I were Sarah? Or Aisha?

What would I do?

---

Well, when my friends asked me regarding marriage, I really have this strong belief in mine. I don't need only love in marriage. I do need, but not ONLY love. I think, at this moment, if I have to choose between a man with responsibility and another man with full of loves.

I'll go with the first one.

People change. So does love. It can fade and it can grow. The man with love can lose it; it will dissapear day by day. The love, I believe, has its limit time, it can be bored sometimes. But I'm not saying it is wrong to have this type of man.

However, choosing the responsibility one isn't wrong either. It can also make the love grows even stronger along the way. Along the marriage. We build love. We trying hard for it to happens. And trying is a good thing in life; regardless how the result is. Sometimes the love is on, and sometime its off. But when you have responsibility taking place, you will think wisely. Put everybody's heart into consideration. Rationale. Objective. 

Lucid.

Well; It's better be safe than sorry. Isn't it?




p/s: I'm working on my english anyway. I'll appreciate any mistakes you point out. I know it is a lotttttttt. :)

Dream

Move on.
I did.

Have faith.
I'm starting to.

Keep praying.
I'll do it.

Don't stop.
I'm trying harder.

Stop crying.
I'm smiling now.

Be patient.
I chose I'm not going to give up.

---

Despite of having those who did not appreciate the way I am.
I have, in fact, those who are willingly to help.

I know life will never be easy. It is.
Basically, it is. That's why we call it as LIFE.
But, to stop trying?
It is a big NO.
It is a forever never.

And even if I keep on failing.
Keep on falling.

I'll stand stand still.
Stand stronger.
And have faith.

I'm a muslim,
I believe in Allah.
And HE really loves those who have hope, who never stop asking, who believe.

And HE will send you,
An enormous fortune.

Insyallah.
Insyallah.
Insyallah.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Silence

Please make it fast.
Real fast.


This is not the way, my way. 
Not now. 
Not never.
Go away. 

Just, go.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Genre

Fiction.
Thriller.
Action.
Psycho.


Lain daripada tu ampun banyak banyak memang saya tak tengok saya tak layan saya tak minat saya rasa tak berbaloi saya spend masa tonton. Oh. Comedy, romance atau gabungan dua tu memang lagilah pandang sebelah mata langsung tak terintai. Kalau comedy atau/dan romance digabungkan dengan salah satu dari 4 genre kat atas tu punnnnn, belum tentu saya mahu. Tak kisahlah omputeh ke ommelayu ke. Ommelayu berdooh doohlah saya tak layan.

Tak thrill. Tak berbaloi. Tak ada umph. Eceh.

Ampun.

---

Semalam singgah muktamar Pas jangan tanya sempena apa sebab aku tak tahu aku tak ambil port. Aku layan je dan aku rasional. Okay? Sebab asyik duk kata tak bercampur orang maka aku melayan ajelah. Aku tak berapa gemar tempat sesak, lagi lagi tempat jerit-jerit.

Pertama , aku migraine.
Kedua, aku asthma.
Ketiga, aku psiko diri aku.

Yang ketiga lagi besar kot. Dia kira psikosomatik sebab bila aku tengah tengah manusia ramai, aku jadi bernafasa laju dan dada ketat dan dan tu aku rasa nak pengsan. Sesak. Lemas. Hoh.

Dua kali fikir beb.

Lagikan Alamanda pun aku pening dengan manusia, inikan Wakaf Che Yeh? Tapi iyalah, dah adik beradik perempuan, lepas satu kedai, satu kedai. Lepas satu booth, satu booth. Lepas satu kasut, kasut lain pulak. Lepas satu handbag, handbag lain pulakkkkkkk. 

Ergh.

Dari aku duk cakap sabaaaaaaaaaaaaaar ikut aja, sampailah aku tarik muka. Aku suka je window shopping (eceh!), tinggal lagi aku suka jalan sorang diri. You know, aku spend masa aku sendiri, aku nak spend doplohpatjam pun takpe. Aku nak makan bila bila masa pun tak pe. Aku nak tilik satu beg separuh hari pun takpe.

Eh, melalut habis.

Ahaaa.

---

Makna Muktamar pun aku tak tahu apa sebenarnya. Nama je sekolah arab, nak ingat tu memang masuk telinga kanan keluar telinga kiri. Muktamar Pas ni yang aku ingat dari kecil sampai besar dia ada ceramah, ada Tok Guru, ada gerai macam macam, ada makanan macam macam.

Dan ada kebisingan dan manusia ramai.

Cuma dah besar besar ni, bila aku datang semula, aku lebih dewasa. Dewasa dalam menilai. Dewasa dalam cuba faham tutur kata. Dewasa. Dewasa pada usia dan pemikiran.

Dan cukup dewasa untuk menjadi kreatif. Macam macam permainan juga aku tilik yang diorang jual kat gerai tepi tepi jalan. Dari yang berbunyi sampailah yang bercahaya sampai nak wow tahniah kepada diri sendiri sebaaaaaaaaaaaaaaabbbbbb, asal nampak mainan hah ni patient suka. Nama benda bunyi, pheww ni boleh buat assessement kat patient. Nampak benda bercahaya, hmmmm ni condition patient pun bagus ni.

Like what the heck semua kau nak ingat patient ni, huda? Kau kerja pun tak lagi hokay.

---

"Angah, 11 12 Jun ni ada apa apa?"
"Ada apa apa? Tak ada apa apa eh?"
"Turun eh nanti,"
"Hmm.."

Lari lari cari adik dekat bawah.

"Weh dik, ayah suruh angah turun 11, 12 Jun ni. Turun apa?"
"Kem Remaja. Kau jadi fasi, jadi tutor budak budak tu. Dia nak budak budak lepasan IPT,"

Nganga mulut. Kerut kening.

Aku jadi fasi, jadi tutor?
Aku dulu tuang kem motivasi ada.

Nasib anak jiran kacak baru balik dari Jepun ada join sekali. Boleh cuci mata sambil sambil.






p/s: Eheks.

Saturday, June 4, 2011

Over Tau

Tahun ni.. eh, semester ni, ujian bertulis final cuma dua. Dalam masa sebulan exam tu, aku ada dua paper je tahun ni hokay! Apa kau ingat seronok paper dua je? Huh. Paper banyak lagi seronok nak hadap exam sebab ada rasa, wow! I dan nak final exam!

Lagi seronok dari OMG apsal tesis aku tak ada rupa nak siap dan wow kena berdepan dua klinikal exam yang empat kalikena repeat like kau ni kenapa Huda? Nak grad ke tak?

Tak seronok okay! Tak seronok! Lagi lagi kena berendam air mata berbulan bulan macam orang wad lima pun ada. Wad lima budak budak USM tahu apa, kau tanya depa la.

Punyalah tak sedar diri nak exam final, mujurlah kawan aku tag gambar 'Good Luck' exam dekat FB. Nampak nau aktif FB walau nak exam. Masa tu baru, Ya Allah, exam slip tak print out lagi!!

Pfffttt.

Tak ada slip tu berangan la kau jawab exam. Tak de slip tu free free kau dapat F atau fail, eh mari besarkan FAIL! FAIL sebelum bertarung. Eceececeh. Kira macam the biggest loser ah kau tak tulis apa apa atas paper terus dapat F? 

Tapi sangat over first day masuk exam, tengah tengah seronok jawab exam tetiba nampak nota kaki (kenapa nota kaki?) atas meja di celahan slip masuk dewan. Eh? Kertas apa?

Oh kena angkat tangan tinggi-tinggi pastu tercari-cari mana pemeriksa nak datang meja I. Tolonglah jangan yang garang garang sekali ambil nak Prof. M. S yang garang masa first year.

"Nak kertas?"

Tak. Memang jadi sejarahlah aku ambil kertas lebih masa exam. Buat apa? Memang nama aku nak amik paper extra tu tak lah kan. Hahhaa. Sekali lagi nampak sangat kalau nak sepuluh point, sepuluh je lah aku bagi. Memang kertas sentiasa cukup. Lebih tak kurang tak. Cukup cukup.

"Tak. Err, ni.. terbawa masuk nota. Tapi saya tak tengok lagi,"

Dan dan tu datang lecturer lain. Nasib tak kena halau keluar dewan dapat F awal awal sebab euwwww, you cuba meniru ke apa?

---

Kau ingat tu cukup?

Selang dua hari, paper kedua, 3 unit tapi sejam je exam! Sejam. Phew. Pantang betul aku kalau dia cakap kegarisan, sedia, MULA! Tapi aku terhegeh-hegeh cari tempat duduk lagi.

Haila haiii.

Memang Huda lah kan exam pukul 9, 8.45 baru keluar bilik pastu lari lari ala hidustan dan zikir oh I dah lewat I dah lewat! Pastu tak sedar diuntung membebel sendiri, aku tak duduk lagi nak mula. Lepakla, Bro. Lepak tengkorak hang. -.-"

Cari tempat duduk.

Buka kertas isi mana patut. Okay. Done. Done. Done. Jom jawab exam! Cari pensil.

Erk?!
Erk?!
Erk?!

Terus lari keluar dewan cepat mungkin.








Over okay bawak 3 set lecture notes besar A4 paper masuk dewan peperiksaan!

Friday, June 3, 2011

Akhirnya, Kita Asing Kembali...

Hidup ni, memang diciptakan berpasangan. Kaki, tangan, mata, telinga. Namun, dalam yang satu itu, ada satu yang kita harus mencari pasangannya; hati.

Hati.

Minggu ini sahaja, dua berita cukup nak buat hati tersentak dan buat hati aku yang sekeping ini terfikir, kalau inilah ujian untuk aku maka biarlah masa berlalu dengan laju. Selajunya. Kerana aku percaya, masa ada pengubat paling mujarab, paling berkesan dan paling sempurna.

Masa.

Namun tuhan tidak akan dan ttidak pernah akan menguji manusia di luar batas mampu. Apa yang kita telan, adalah apa yang kita upaya. Apa yang kita tahan, adalah apa yang kita terdaya. 

Walau kadang kala kita rasa oh tuhan aku belum tentu mampu atau aku tidak tertanggung, namun kita tetap dan terus bertatih perlahan. Walau kita terkadang bertanya mengapa aku, namun dalam sepi soalan itu, kita terus telan dan mencuba. Kita adalah manusia. Kita lupa. Kita lemah. Kita bukan sesiapa tanpa Dia. Namun dari jauh satu sudut percaya, yakinlah, ujian ini adalah yang terbaik dan sebaiknya.

Berbalik pada asingnya kita satu hari nanti. Inilah dua berita cukup untuk mencarik luka nan satu namun aku percaya hikmahnya tetap ada. Cuma jika aku, jika aku, oh tuhan mohon ku, doaku bukan aku.

Kita boleh berjumpa, dan seterusnya kita jatuh cinta. Telah Allah tetapkan Adam, Hawa pasangannya. Telah Allah tetapkan Yusuf, Zulaikha cintanya. Telah Allah tetapkan Muhammad nan agung, Khadijah temannya.

Kita hanya mengambil sedetik mengenali. Oh cliche bukan bila kita harus mengambil seumur hidup untuk melupakan?

Tapi itulah yang berlaku.

Kau dan aku dan kita; aku ambil contoh kau dan aku bukanlah sebenar-benarnya aku. Kau dan aku asing mulanya. Akhirnya, kita berjumpa dan bersatu maka asing itu menjadi satu istilah indah nan mulia, suami dan isteri.

Dan mengapa dengan satu lafaz; seumur hidup kita menjadi asing kembali?

---

Ini kisah dua. Pada aku kisah lebih buat aku sepanjang hari jadi kurang keruan. Meski bukan aku. Meski bukan, namun hakikatnya, hati dan perasaan wanita, ada satu networking yang luas jalur lebarnya. 

Hati wanita.

Juga kita bermula asing. Berkenalan. Dan kini kita asing semula, dalam dua suasana berbeza. Kau di sana, dan aku masih kekal di sini, menangisi. Kau di sana, dan aku di sini. Di sini yang di sini.

"Kak Huda, normal blood pressure manusia berapa?"
"120/80,"
"Atas ke bawah?"
"Atas, systolic 120. Bawah, diastolic 80,"
"Erm, heart rate?"
"Kalau tak silap 60-100,"
"Kak Huda, dopamine tu apa?"
"Give me a second, I'll find that for you. Just wait,"

Aku bukanlah manusia ada segala macam ilmu dalam dada. Namun berkata tidak sebelum mencari adalah satu pantang yang aku pegang. Never say I-don't-know until the question is a dead end.

Dopamine; something has to do with nerve impulses and heart attack and blood flow due trauma. That word that lead me to another question of why should she asked me those questions? It has nothing to do with her study, neither her patient.

Why?

She left me, unanswered.  

Yesterday, she called me again and and she kept on asking the same question.

"Kenapa?"
"He was accident. The only organ that still functioning is his heart,"

Aku boleh dengar ada tangisan di situ dan aku boleh rasa weird feeling; the unpleasant one running through my whole body.

"How's him?"
"Bad. Really bad,"
"Are you okay?"
"The doctor said, they're waiting for his heart beat to get a little weaker and the doctor..."

She stopped to have deep breath. She stopped so she could be a little bit calm. She stopped, so she could be rationale. I know her. I know this what a typical human will do. And this thing I will do too. Stop for a while, gain energy, speak out, release.

This time is real. This is not one of the series of Grey's anatomy. This is real. She is the one that I know have to face this. She isn't the actress to pretend the scene. She's not holding any script to say. This is the dialogue, the reality that she's forced to speak.

"I read the folder. The life support machine. It has three different colours; the systolic, dystolic and I believe the other one is his heart beat. It's too weak,"
"The blood pressure? Heart rate? The dystolic?"
"The dystolic is 30. That's all I remember,"

Now, I was shocked. It was too low. Too low. I'm not a medical student, but I read and it was dangerous.

"The doctor diagnosed with something that the brain.. bleeding... both sides... nothing's functioning now... nothing... except the heart....,"

I let her cry.

"The doctor said... they're waiting...for the heart.... weaker.. then, they decide to... turn off... his life support machine....."

Aku tak tahu nak kata apa dan perkataan yang aku kena avoid adalah sabar. Sebab macam mana pun keadaan dia, of course dia tengah bersabar dan asked her to be more patient is ridiculous. Aku type mesej dan aku delete dan aku taip semula dan aku delete sebab aku tak tahu nak kata apa.

"Aku doakan yang terbaik untuk kau,"
"Doakan aku, dia,"
"Of course I do. You're my friend,"

Maka seharian aku tersenyap dan berfikir. Inilah kehidupan. Kita tak pernah tahu apa yang akan berlaku dihadapan. Kita tidak pernah akan tahu bila kita kehilangan. Kita sendiri tidak tahu kita kehilangan atau kita sendiri yang hilang. Kita tidak pernah boleh menjangkakan sesuatu sedih, macam ni, unexpected thing to happen.

Kita hanya mampu dan boleh untuk berusaha dan berdoa.

This is life.

One message received.

"Dia dah tak ada,"

Honestly, I didn't know what to say because if I were her, I don't know how... to live at this moment.

"I've been thinking of you the whole day. Kita doakan dia. And for you, Insyallah. Insyallah, time will heal. It will. It always does,"

---







Kita tidak pernah tahu bila dan bagaimana, kita asing semula...