END

... till then, peeps!

`

Please-lah.

That such topic... it's is irritating, it's annoying. Sometimes, there are few things from our childhood memories rather be forgotten than diulang-ulang! I am human being, I have feeling, love and to be loved...

... but not the one you think it's funny and cute and what?

Haih!

The thing is, don't simply put you own book where others who don't know you can see it. Especially the book with your ambitious-future-name like, Prof. Dr Huda Mustaffar. It is no doubt can help to encourage you to the next higher level of education, buuuutttttt it is also can turn out like this;

"Bagusnya, muda muda dah Prof,"

Pffftttttt!

The Day That I Doubt

Seingat aku, aku derma darah masa aku tingkatan lima, 2005. Tak pernah sepanjang hayat aku nak derma darah. Aku dengan segerombolan kawan-kawan aku pergi KBMall, dan pihak hospital HKB buat event menderma darah dan dari situ tetiba aku buat kerja gila pergi beratur, tadaaaaaa.

Aku takut jarum, tapi aku lagi takut kalau tak tengok jarum yang masuk tangan aku. That time, aku tahu kalau derma darah tangan akan dicucuk dua kali. Pertama jarum kecik then jarum besar. Masa zaman tu macam menakjubkan je jarum kecik sakit, jarum besar idak pule padahal jarum kecik untuk tahan sakit sebab jarum besar nak masuk. 

Makanya, dari situ lekat tabiat aku derma darah dan aku sedar kemungkinan-kemungkinannya. Lepas derma darah yang pertama, lapar gila! Derma darah kedua, mengantuk gila. Yang selepas itu, aku imun.

Kot.

Atau aku ignore.

Sampailah minggu lepas.

Aku jalan sorang sorang dekat Jusco, ternampak sekumpulan manusia yang menderma darah dan peristiwa enam tahun lepas, saat kali pertama aku derma darah datang semula. Aku fikir pasti tabung darah sangat memerlukan. Kalaulah aku dapat membantu... Tak semena-mena aku beratur isi borang. Done!

But then, since kakak aku nak kahwin dan aku janji dengan ayah aku dan pindahkan barang malam tu, was when I doubt my action. Berkebetulan seminggu lepas aku batuk selsema, dan dalam borang suruh state ya atau tidak regarding few things, one of them cough and flu. Like hmmmm...

Tapi aku teruskan juga beratur sandar pada dinding perhati alam sekitar sambil hati kata perlu, tak, perlu, tak, perlu, tak ulang ulang sampai terpacak depan doktor. Dan aku berdoa, kalau betul betul apa aku nak buat ni selamat dan menyelamatkan, permudahkanlah.

"Ada batuk selsema tak seminggu dua ni?"

"Last week, I didn't take antibiotic though prescribed,"

Oh tuhannnn.

"Lain kali eh?"

Angguk. Lega. Senyum dan berlalu.

Syukur.

.

The more I read, the more I'm afraid that it will be an..

OBSESSION

Derrrrr~

Benda paling aku tak suka!

Arrange majlis kahwin!

Huh!

Melayang

Melayang-layang jangan jatuh,

Melayang terbang cari perhentian,

Melayang hingga kau penat terima,

Namun bukan berhenti semerta.

Andai ada esok, selama itulah harapan,

Kalau tiada, berat lagi bahu kau beban,

Tak terfikir apa tak terfikir bagaimana,

Jauh sekali tanggungan siksa.

Melayang-layang atas dan bawah,

Melayang tinggi terkadang rendah,

Melayang layang carilah cahaya,

Esok lusakan datang jua.

HM

What-a-Day

Aidil Adha.

Bangun pagi dengan batuk dan sakit tekat. Masuk tandas, lihat sputum/kahak warna kuning. Oh no, must be infection somewhere. Oh no, kena rush before asthma datang nak melawat juga. Oh no, all the clinics were closed oh come on its raya lah!

Pergi farmasi beli high concentratred vitamin C ke menatang apa. Dia ada tulis for those who prone to cold, sore throat and fever. For the first sign of cold, take 2 tablets per 3 hour. Oh oh oh...!

Something tak best, sebelum dapat asthma cari steroid inhaler. Ohhhhhhhh NO! HILANG. GREAT! Please, jangan masuk wad. It will be no HUSM anymore. No handsome doctors, no sweet medical students. Hhehehhe.

Lately, I always misplaced my medications. Sigh.

Happy Aidil Adha! 

Apakah korban anda?

Please...

How Confident Has Changed My Life

Thanks for the contest and it makes two now. :)

---


When I was five nobody used training wheels to ride bicycle anymore.
But I did, so everybody's laughing.
Who cares?

When I was seven, I sat silent even I was in emergency to go to the toilet.
I was afraid the teacher might scold me so I cried.
Who cares?

When I was nine, my class teacher put me in between of two Indian boys.
I've never talk since then.
Who cares?

When I was ten I never wanted to show off my arts, drawings, writings, my talents.
It was so ugly.
Who cares?

When I was thirteen I was afraid of being far away.
I might have no friends.
Who cares?

When I was fifteen I gave up hoping to be selected into my dream school.
They said it was for the best, and I wasn't.
Who cares?

When I was seventeen I really wanted to be better in english.
So I wont sound stupid.
Who cares?

When I was eighteen I chose to be lone ranger .
Because a stupid guy made a bet on me.
Who cares?

When I was twenty second I thought my world would end.
The imbalance had killed my energy.
Who cares?

Now I am twenty four,
Still being nobody.
Who cares?

STOP!

Confident cares!

It helped you!
It has been helping you ever since.

You could ride your bicycle without training wheels despite the scratches,
It was confident.

You spoke out for permission never mind the tears,
It was confident.

You started to talk, and making friends with those two Indians boys.
It was confident.

You worked hard, your drawings got everyone's attention.
It was confident.

You managed to do the laundries, to iron your clothes, to stand up yourself.
It was confident.

You didn't give up hoping, so you get selected to you number 1 boarding school.
It was confident.

Asking tourists if they needed help, they didn't laugh because of your broken english and you're practicing more and more.
It was confident.

The stupid guy came and asking for your forgiveness because of his silliness and was grateful you didn't take revenge.
It was confident.

You prayed and rehab and  kept your spirit high that you'll manage to go through the illnesses.
It was confident.

Even being nobody at your 24th, you still working hard now.
It is confident.

I've been through all the upside down in my life but never stop trying,
I don't know what the future holds but  I wont stop hoping,
I will keep the way I am, the who I am...

... because I'm confident enough every cloud has a silver lining.

Thanks to the simple yet meaningful word

CONFIDENT

"Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent," 

~Eleanor Roosevelt

That's how it changed my life.

And worth the battles.

Kita Kita

Bila orang putih cakap melayu dengan tatabahasa yang betul,
Kita orang melayu kata wow, hebat sungguh!

Tapi bila kita orang melayu cakap melayu dengan tatabahasa yang betul,
Kita orang melayu kata ek eleh sasterawan ke apa?

Bila orang putih cakap melayu tunggang tebalik,
Kita orang malayu kata bagusnya diorang mencuba bahasa kita.

Tapi bila kita orang melayu cakap melayu tunggang terbalik,
Kita orang melayu kata ni la dia, tak sayang bahasa!

Bila orang putih cakap inggeris grammar betul,
Kita orang melayu kata english dia fuhhh terbaikkkk!

Bila kita orang melayu cakap inggeris grammar betul,
Kita orang melayu kata skemmmmm gila!

Bila orang putih cakap english lintang pukang,
Kita orang melayu kata cool, man! Yaw yaw yaw!

Bila kita orang melayu cakap english lintang pukang,
Kita orang melayu kata, nak cakap omputeh kononnnnnn!

Dah tu macam mana?

Silent

Knock knock.

"Dr., busy?"

"Tak. Masuklah,"

Aku masuk. One thing that I like it here despite everything, is the doctor. This handsome doctor membuatkan aku masih berada di USM. At least bila aku rasa membuak buak rindu pada sekalian doktor ORL kacak kacak di sana.

"Erm, saya nak tanya pasal patient tadi. Can we discuss? Kalau saya tak menggangu doktor,"

"Sure. Come in. Kenapa?"

"I just.. ermm.. wondering, what's you diagnosis eh? Patient was asking me, and when I went through the folder, saya tak nampak definite diagnosis. Perhaps saya tak perasan,"

Doktor kacak berhenti from whatever he did, bersandar macam bos besar gaya yang selalu ada dalam TV dan melihat aku-sumpah-takut.

"What do you think?"

"What am I thinking?"

"Yep. From your assessment?"

"Labyrinthitis. But then I couldn't do much. And yours?"

Actually the conversation wasn't that smooth (I used to argue or perhaps discussing with all my lecturers yang boleh aku arguelah, but then this doctor, god knows what he's thinking). Aku jawab sambil otak aku fikir sebaik boleh dan selembut boleh dan sesopan boleh ayat ayat yang aku guna. Aku cuma takut. Takut salah faham. Takut nanti manalah tahu...

"I think it's Meniere's,"

"Meniere's? Ermm.. okay, ermm..,"

"You think it isn't, kan? What's ypur points it shouldn't be Meniere's?"

There, again! I feel like I  was viva-ing. Again. 

"From the history, it is sudden hearing loss, with vertigo and tinnitus, nauseous,"

"Menniere's sudden jugak,"

"Normally it's fluctuating,"

"Dia mungkin fluctuate, by the time you assess her, dia dah dapat profound loss,"

Aku pandang dalam dalam mata doktor kacak ini. I don't want to argue more. Aku takut.

"Awak ada sebab lain?"

"If it is menniere's, bla bla bla. Patient doesn't bla bla bla. Labyrynthitis bla bla bla, and patient claims of bla bla bla, so, for me, I think it is more likely to be labyryhnthitis,"

"Okay, why wasn't neuritis?"

"It should not affecting hearing then,"

Doktor pandang aku sambil bersandar kerusi sekali lagi.

"I'm just saying, I... erm..,"

I lost. My anxiety rise and reaching the roof. All the scene of failure just coming back again and again. The  advice that I could go beyond others lingering in my mind again.

"It's okay. I could be wrong..."

He smiled.

I did nothing but silent., luckily another patient came in.

Tunggang Terbalik!

Aku tengok tengok website for adopting baby. Don't ask me why. Habit aku tengok gambar baby bawa aku ke sini. Dan masa aku tengok beberapa senarai manusia yang tengah menunggu atau mempromote diri untuk menjadi adoptive parents, cuba teka apa aku jumpa.

Bilangan keluarga normal dengan 

PROUD lesbo and gay parents 

adalah sama banyak! What the....?!

Oh dunia... :'(

My Happiest Moment

Phewww. Anyway, this is my first time writing a post for a contest. Yeap. It's a contest. Those who know me will know that I don't really bother with any online contests because well, I write to express not to impress. But then, why this contest really grab my attention?

Here we go!

Oh I can explain bla bla bla regarding the story why-I-don't-bother thing, but can we just skip to the real part? The happiest moment? We call it happy because happy story shouldn't be buried without sharing, should it?

Hehhehhee.

When I was little, the last thing I would do was eating. I guess all moms in the world face the same problem here, persuade their sweethearts to have all the nutrients so the will grow up. They will anyway, but will they grow up healthily? Hmmm..! So what will they do (including my mommy)?

Yeah!

FORCE US!

I like to read, to write, to doubt not to mention I am enthusiast with everything. They call it curiosity, for me, it just the brain neurons try to make more connection actually do the talking. Whatever it is, mommy made one rule here, one question, one mouthful, one answer until I ate everything or I just pretend I had no more questions to avoid the yucky vegetables. 

Everything has changed now. Nobody force me to eat. The rule has disappeared now and no longer applied. I have fingertip-library, endless sources of answers, internet. Whatever questions I raise now, sometimes, mommy has no idea how to answer. Sometimes, I don't even like to ask because I think there is no point of asking. 

Sometimes...

(Silently cry)

My bad.

Out of sudden, I hope I can travel back to this moment where this picture was captured. I want to hug her and let her know how much this memory has touched me. Because to hug her now, at this age, is very not me.

When I see this picture, when I see my oily cheeks, when I see my little hands were holding a piece of paper, I know I was mommy's sweetheart who never stop asking. Mommy is just my mommy, who will never stop answering...

So, what yours?
Come on and join and click here!

Sallimnaaaaa

Rabbana

Sallimna

Wa Sallim dina na

Wa Sallim imana na

Wa Sallim tauhidna

Wahai tuhan kami

 Selamatkan kami

Dan selamatkanlah agama kami

Dan selamatkanlah iman kami

Dan selamatkanlah  pegangan kami

Istajib du'a ana

Ya Rahman

Ya Rahim

Ya Muntaqimu

Ya Allah

Ya Allah

Ya Allah...

Favouright [4]

"What's wrong for not being you? Sometimes, we need to be somebody so we know how to be better,"

It's fake. Well, if you ask me.

Inilah Kenapa Aku Suka Doktor HUSM [2]

I miss USM more and more despite the nightmares. I miss my friends more and more despite the fights. I miss people I admire more and more despite the hatred. I miss the programs more and more despite the tiredness. I miss the Hamdan Tahir more and more despite the super duper cold. I miss all the physicians more and more despite their hurting needles. 

I miss all the memories more and more despite knowing it will never reoccurred.

It hurts.

Budak Kan Jujur

I like to tease and play and quiz and entertain all the kids that come to me. Sometimes (most of the time), I like to ask nonsense questions because no matter how stupid it sounds, they answer honestly.

"Kita main lukis lukis okay?"

"Nak lukis apa?"

"Lukis Kak Ngah,"

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

"Nah,"

p/s: Padanlah bila aku tanya aku comel ke tak, diorang jawab comel. Memang comel pun err.. lukisan tu. :P

Favouright [3]

"Someone somewhere is made for you,"

~Dil To Pagal Hai

Where are you?

Fobia

Aku claustrophobic. Takut tempat sempit.

Aku acrophobia. Takut tempat tinggi.

So bila campur dua tu, aku sangat anti dan fobia dengan lif. Aku rela naik tangga kalau tak lebih 5 tingkat. Lagilah aku lupakan lif, bila aku dapat balance disorder. But then, kaki aku pulak putus ligamen. Nak tak nak, naik lif.

Dari situ aku mula berani sikit sikit despite the muntah and nausea lepas naik lif. Tu belum lagi aku akan pejam mata atau tunduk try to shift my mind away. Try to get rid the feeling that I'm in the elevator. I hate that. But since dapat balance problem, dia macam terapi bila aku perlahan lahan belajar adapt dengan lif.

Dan sejak sejak aku kena buat MRI, aku boleh ease a bitlah claustrophobia ni. Sebab nak jaga air muka dengan doktor oh come one takkan mula legend aku ni takut dengan tempat sempit?

The moment they pushed me in, aku cuba fikir benda lain sebab sumpah aku terus rasa tak boleh bernafas, so aku cuba cakap dengan sendiri. Sometimes aku humming for the sake of the test results. Ada satu moment tu aku paksa tidur, tapi MRI tu bunyi kalau merdu tak apa gak.

Aku takut macam orang gila sorang sorang dalam tu, and ada masa masa aku termenangis. Pastu cakap sorang sorang, pastu humming perlahan lahan melodi lagu lagu aku suka.

Sampai satu tahap, aku dah tak boleh bertahan, then aku nak push the emergency button the placed in my hand but then tadaaaa, satu doktor masuk.

"Okay tak?"

Angguk. Cis, dan lagi kau nak jaga air muka kau?

"Dah siap eh?"

"Belum. Sepuluh minit lagi,"

Whattttt!

"Saya nak masukkan ubat,"

Aku hulur tangan.

"Kenapa?"

"Nak masukkan contrast lagi sikit,"

Menatang apa pun aku tak tau. Tapi angguk jela.

"Okay baringlah. Sekejap lagi,"

Sekali lagi nafas aku tak berapa nak menentu. Try to hum another song pujuk mata jangan mengada nak berair-airlah.

---

Sekarang aku okay sikit dengan claustrophobia and acrophobia. Well maybe I used to hum or manage how to deal with those phobias. 

Tapi baru baru ni, aku dapat satu benda tak best dengan lif like stupid lif! Aku masuk sorang sorang, so macam biasa aku akan berdiri dekat satu corner dan tunduk dan start to hum sesekali angkat kepala sambil perhati nombor dalam tu menandakan tingat berapa lif naik turun.

Aku nak ketingkat 6, so lif naik ke atas. But this time aku boleh rasa dia naik tu extra laju dan tiba tiba dia bergegar dan berhenti kat tingkat 5, turun dengan cepat sambil berbunyi "Going down,"

Kalau kau tengok muka aku, mesti kau tengok mayat. Aku dah nak termuntah ketakutan. So aku tekan je tingkat lima dengan harapan lif terbuka, tapi vroooommm dia naik laju dan bergegar, "Going down," dan turun dengan laju.

Berhenti.

Aku pandang segala benda yang mungkin boleh selamatkan aku. Tak ada.

Elok aku nak tekan loceng kecemasan. Lif terbuka perlahan. Aku berdoa dengan harapan dia tak terbuka antara bangunan. Syukurrrrr.

Aku keluar dengan terus bersandar dekat tepi cuba  stabilkan diri.

"Okay tak ni?"

Terkejut aku bila ada orang tegur aku. Aku pakai white coat so diorang mesti ingat aku staff situ.

"Yeah,"

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing,"

Lelaki yang tegur aku senyum dan mula melangkah masuk lif aku naik tadi.

"Err.. I think it's better for you to use that one,"

"Why?"

"Errmmm. It's not working. No no.. it's working, it just.. it's better you use that one,"

"Okay. Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yes. I'm fine. Thanks for asking,"

Dia macam resist nak naik tapi aku senyum and angguk to reassure. 

Thank to the elevator. Now, my phobias come back. Thank you.

---

Lepas aku tengok cerita medik bersiri House and Grey's Anatomy, baru aku tahu doktor boleh tengok kita dalam MRI tu. Cop cop cop! So adakah doktor nampak aku menagis dan dengar aku humming as well?

Oh, damn~