Silent

Knock knock.

"Dr., busy?"

"Tak. Masuklah,"

Aku masuk. One thing that I like it here despite everything, is the doctor. This handsome doctor membuatkan aku masih berada di USM. At least bila aku rasa membuak buak rindu pada sekalian doktor ORL kacak kacak di sana.

"Erm, saya nak tanya pasal patient tadi. Can we discuss? Kalau saya tak menggangu doktor,"

"Sure. Come in. Kenapa?"

"I just.. ermm.. wondering, what's you diagnosis eh? Patient was asking me, and when I went through the folder, saya tak nampak definite diagnosis. Perhaps saya tak perasan,"

Doktor kacak berhenti from whatever he did, bersandar macam bos besar gaya yang selalu ada dalam TV dan melihat aku-sumpah-takut.

"What do you think?"

"What am I thinking?"

"Yep. From your assessment?"

"Labyrinthitis. But then I couldn't do much. And yours?"

Actually the conversation wasn't that smooth (I used to argue or perhaps discussing with all my lecturers yang boleh aku arguelah, but then this doctor, god knows what he's thinking). Aku jawab sambil otak aku fikir sebaik boleh dan selembut boleh dan sesopan boleh ayat ayat yang aku guna. Aku cuma takut. Takut salah faham. Takut nanti manalah tahu...

"I think it's Meniere's,"

"Meniere's? Ermm.. okay, ermm..,"

"You think it isn't, kan? What's ypur points it shouldn't be Meniere's?"

There, again! I feel like I  was viva-ing. Again. 

"From the history, it is sudden hearing loss, with vertigo and tinnitus, nauseous,"

"Menniere's sudden jugak,"

"Normally it's fluctuating,"

"Dia mungkin fluctuate, by the time you assess her, dia dah dapat profound loss,"

Aku pandang dalam dalam mata doktor kacak ini. I don't want to argue more. Aku takut.

"Awak ada sebab lain?"

"If it is menniere's, bla bla bla. Patient doesn't bla bla bla. Labyrynthitis bla bla bla, and patient claims of bla bla bla, so, for me, I think it is more likely to be labyryhnthitis,"

"Okay, why wasn't neuritis?"

"It should not affecting hearing then,"

Doktor pandang aku sambil bersandar kerusi sekali lagi.

"I'm just saying, I... erm..,"

I lost. My anxiety rise and reaching the roof. All the scene of failure just coming back again and again. The  advice that I could go beyond others lingering in my mind again.

"It's okay. I could be wrong..."

He smiled.

I did nothing but silent., luckily another patient came in.