Tunggu?

"Dah kahwin ke?"

Hahahhaha—

Gua gelak besar.

---

Gua jumpa mamat ni masa gua keja oversea sekangkang kera sekejap. Masa tu gua rasa Ramadhan. Gua tengah beratur nak boarding balik Malaysia.

Sambil gua buka earphone untuk pemeriksaan keselamatan, masa tu lah mamat ni tegur.

"Akak orang Malaysia?"

Gua berpaling. Sengih.

"Aah,"

"Allah. Allah. Lama gila dah saya tak cakap melayu,"

Aku gelak. And then the conversation went on and on. Until his flight exactly time for boarding.

"Akak, meh la no phone. Bile bile datang sini balik, boleh tukar tukar cerita,"

Since dia panggil aku akak, secara otomatik dia muda pada aku. Dan secara otomatik, aku tak kisah bagi phone no aku plusssss since when phone aku ada privacy?

Rasa rasa aku malas layan, aku ada capability of buat dekkkk to any ringings.

Time passed by and aku tak ingat dah kisah mamat ni. Aku gak taktau sejak bila dia kawan FB aku. Like seriously aku tak tau. Tetibe eh, dalam friendlist aku?

Don't bother to check and don't even care to care.

Until recently.

---

"Dah kahwin?"

"Kahwin apanya. Keje kena gi merata-rata,"

Nature kerja aku memang macam ni and I do wonder sometimes, can I really commit once ditakdirkan tuhan (aminnn) berkeluarga kelak?

"Ok. Nanti saya hantar rombongan meminang,"

Aku gelak dalam pelik. Kau dah kenapa? 

"Toksah dok mengarut,"

"Saya cakap betul ni. Kecuali dah ada calon,"

I don't have the candidate or being someone's candidate as yet. 

But—

Speechless.

So I replied.

"I'm not ready yet,"

I laughed. And channel the topic to something else. Closed it tight cause the topic was so uncomfortable and weird to talk to. Especially to stranger.  It just, no. Very purely NO.

Well I think, the truth is, I'm waiting for miracle to happen.

The one that I met in my last sujud.

Not so sure the sujud was real solah or solah that happened in my dream.

And I don't know him like total stranger.

Or his appearance was not so clear.

Or whatever.

Hahahha—

I know and very sure it just a mainan tidur berangan banyak. Hamba macam aku, tidur pun main terjah je, lagi nak harap mimpi suci? But then, it is not a crime right to hope?

So.

I will keep on hoping sooner or later,

He will come.

Insyallah—

Wish Granted?

Its kinda weird.

I just think about adoption. Exactly the day after that, I met this middle age lady, carried a child.

Boy.

2 years old.

Origin from Nigeria perhaps.

I tried so very hard to not being judgemental. And started a conversation. It happened to know, she is a social worker, working for Rumah Kebajikan.

And I did ask this question.

"Will that be very difficult for a person like me, I mean single parent, to adopt?"

The looked that I guess everyone will expect.

"She's working. Stable. 27 year old,"

Again she studied my face before she asked;

"Is she, the one that you referred to, is you?"

--

Silent—

I Have

I'm not sure if this is even healthy. But, I will still doing it since I consider it is a gift.

I've been losing myself for certain time. And when I do realize it, I will hold for as long as I could to still moving within the line; being normal. Stay safe.

I guess.

And from there, whenever I keep trying to embrace the moment where I able to regain myself, considering what I've been through, or perhaps the war that I was in and still am within me and my personality; I think, this is where it came from.

From the non stop nonsense and silent talking.

From all the deep breath taken to not losing temper or dissappointment.

From all the worries that beyond my capability to take care of.

From all the no-one-ever-understand.

So.

I'm gifted.

And proud.

That I have—

The ability to freeze.

To shut down.

And switch off.

For as long as I want.

For as long as I need.

Nyawa

Terima kasih, Tuhan.

Kerana sudi panjangkan lagi nyawa.

Kerana benarkan aku merasa lagi lapar dahaga.

Merasa kantuk letih dan berjaga.

Kerana masih sayang pada hinanya aku seorang hamba.

Tuhan—

Dalam pada kerja aku ini harus bercantik cantik berlemah lembut menjaga setiap hati dan rasa.

Aku pohon,

Lembutkanlah setiap satunya.

Dan campaklah dalam hati kita kita.

Yang mendengar itu anugerah.

Seandai ditarik atau tidak dibagi—

Bukan tanda Tuhan menzalimi.

Bukan.

Tiada satu pun cerdik pandai mencipta apa saja yang palsu itu mampu mengganti yang telah Engkau beri.

Melainkan oh Tuhan.

Engkau campakkan ilmu,

Tanda sayangnya pada kami.

Meski tidak boleh diganti—

Namun,

Masih boleh dibantu lagi.

 

--

It was so freaking cold there,

And I had asthma attack again.

But being with all the doctors,

I felt being loved and cared.

It was freaking cold there,

That my boss had to offer his coat so I felt safe,

Countless thank you I said.

Countless again he repeated it's okay.

It was freaking cold there,

And I shivered like hell,

He looked at me right into my eyes,

"I should be married so someone will taking care so well,"

Really?

I laughed and laughed and laughed so hard.

Cause I didn't have nice words to reply.

I said I have no one as yet in my heart.

"But how about you find someone for me to try?"

We laughed we joked we had such a good time.

Until I realized it wont be forever.

Back home for the weather that is nice and warm.

And meeting those that I miss so very dear.

Back to where I belong and its raining.

Such a perfect gift to feel welcome.

For whatever crisis that happen in my country,

Can't beat this feeling to again be home.

Cinta

Oh Tuhan.

Izinkan aku untuk jatuh cinta.

Kali ini saja—

Dan Tuhan.

Betapa menggunung dosa dan ketidakmampuan.

Aku tetap saja memohon meminta.

Kerana kau Tuhan.

Tidak sekelumit benci pada hamba yang mendamba sahaja.

Tidak ada tiada boleh pada hamba yang mengharap magika tanpa usaha.

Yang membeza.

Hanya masa dan bagaimana.

Oh Tuhan.

Atas dasar kasih sayang maha Pencipta.

Atas kasihannya engkau pada lemahnya hamba.

Atas segala janji-janjiMu yang terus mendengar walau apapun cerita.

Aku pohon rayu meminta.

Kurniakanlah aku—

Cinta.

Sebab

Kau teramat yakin—

Yang kau tak akan mati.

Untuk sepuluh minit lagi.

Dan bila aku tulis 'kau',

Aku maksudkan aku.

Ah—

Semua orang sering bercakap sendiri bukan?

I Feel

This is the time—

That I already think very seriously about adoption.

A mother that perhaps not by 9 months.

That not related by blood.

That not able to share any genes or traits.

But a mother that will try the best by any chance.

A mother that has love to give.

A mother that has—

A vision to share.

A journey explore.

A future to go.

Holding hands.

A mother.

That I know will create every conflicts.

But i will make sure.

It worth the fight.

With all my might.

Yes.

I am—

Ready.

Just In Case

Kalau—

Tuhan takdirkan aku tidak dijumpa juga.

Sumpah. Aku juga mohon diselamatkan sentiasa.

Cuma jika.

Kalau dalam ketentuan terjadi juga.

Aku ini.

Sedang menyedia payung untuk hujan yang mungkin tiba.

Jika—

Aku hilang tanpa suara.

Manusia pertama aku ingin membaca.

Adalah ahli keluarga.

Aku mungkin bukan sebaik baik cahaya mata.

Bukan juga sebaik baik adik dan saudara.

Tidak juga reti mempamer sayang dan cinta.

Tapi—

Tuhan.

Inilah yang akan muncul paling pertama.

Saat hidup dan mati antara dua.

Moga ibu ayah saudara mengampun segala dosa.

Drama.

Mungkin itu kau akan kata.

Sila.

Aku—

Pernah merasa bakal mati sekali.

Dan inilah yang datang dahulu,

Kalau kalau inilah yang terakhir kali.

Ini.

Dosa yang ada tak termaafkan.

Oleh ayah bonda.

Tolong.

Sampaikan ini pada mereka.

Kalau kalau inilah dia penghujung nyawa. 

Dia Rancang

Dulu takut naik bas.

Sebab ramai mati eksiden.

Sekarang—

Cuak terbang.

Sebab kapal hilang.

Semua tu asbab.

Kalau dah takdirnya mati.

Tengah tengok TV pun pergi.

Takut tiada nyawa.

Orang kat cinta dunia.

Iya.

Tapi.

Aku banyak dosa.

Tulah dia sebenarnya.

Esok kerja dekat Cina.

Tuhan.

Apa jenis perasaan ni.

Berat.

Sarat.

Puisi

It becomes harder,

And harder,

And harder,

And harder.

---

Hebat pada penyelidik,

Yang mengkaji perangai manusia.

Sebab—

Dengan segala kajian ini.

Aku belajar—

Maafkan diri sendiri.

And Then

Aku nampak.

Dan faham—

Kenapa bila Tuhan kata,

Tempatkan diri kamu dalam mereka comel perangainya.

Sebab.

Entahlah.

Aku jumpa orang baik,

Bertukar rupa.

And vice versa.