Daddy

Biasanya, bila sampai rumah, handphone dan wallet aku merata-rata. Maksud aku, benda tu bukan rahsia macam adik dan kakak aku punya purse dan handphone.

Dan benda biasa berlaku ialah bapa aku membebel dan dia kemas wallet aku as well. Ahaaa. That's my dad. Wehuuu. And he found my extra hidden moneyyyyyyyyy in it!

Miskin gila sekarang. Phew.

Pekak Telinga Tutup Mata

Aku tak pasti apa akan jadi dengan Malaysia hari ini. Phew. Kalau balik dekat USM, kebanyakkan aku tahu isu semasa bukan dari TV. Semua dari akhbar. Itupun kalau aku pergi library dan itupun kalau aku rajin eja satu satu tajuk berita. Selalunya, aku selak sahaja.

Sebab mulut suratkhabar sekarang busuk. Macam bangkai. Walaupun aku tak tahu bau bangkai macam mana, tapi ya.. natijahnya bau bangkai busuk. Hanyir. Jijik.

Tapi bila duduk rumah, walaupun aku online, atau buat kerja lain, telinga aku buka. Berita aku dengar. Walaupun bernanahnya menilai, dengar tetap dengar.

Hari ini, aku tengok bil eletrik rumah meningkat. Oh, betapa terasa dewasa kerana mula ambil tahu benda begini. Hmm. Naik mendadak. Mendadak yang separuh.

Dan malam ini, berita sebarkan tarif elektrik meningkat bermula Jun. What the hell Jun sekarang baru Mei oi! Kau ni nak menipu rakyat pun beragak-agaklah!

Ohooo. Kau kata kenaikan sikit dan tak menjejaskan. Tengkorak kaulah tak jejas. Kau gaji ribu raban ye memanglah tak jejas. Kalau rakyat macam aku ni sampai naik sekali ganda, celah mana tak jejas? 

Cakap kalau pakai otak boleh tak?

... [7]

Buat masa ini selalu dan sentiasa. Selalu dan sentiasa. Senyum itu ada dalam minda.

 Very big smile!

Ooo Allah. To you and only you. 

Who knows better.

Is This Miracle?

I slept at 5.30 am. Well, I know.. it was not night anymore but I only managed to sleep at that time. Finally. I spent the whole night preparing my resume and did multiple laundries and stuffs. I'm going home.. for good.

Aku berfikir sepanjang malam. Sambil basuh baju, sambil tunggu mesin basuh selesai, sambil jemur baju, sambil menaip, sambil makan,  sambil termenung, aku berfikir. Aku taip resume, dan aku masih berfikir soalan yang sama. This is what I want?

Aku boleh apply kerja dekat Hearing Aids Centre, but is this what I want? Aku pegang pendirian aku kena kerja benda yang aku cinta jadi aku tidak perlu berkerja sepanjang hayat yang aku ada.

So, I search for private hospitals. Disebabkan goverment bekukan pengambilan sampai diberitahu semula, so I just need to find any position that suits me or my degree. I just did.

Aku betul betul betul betul betul tak tahu apa yang aku nak, sampaikan aku letak kepala atas bantal pukul 5.30 pagi aku masih fikir. Ada juga aku terfikir apa kata kerja dengan nursery? Atau buka nursery, now that's imposibble. I don't have that much money to start with.

So, I just closed my eyes and started to dream that I was surrounded with kids. They're laughing, and enjoying their childhood and I was in that dream, the happiest ever.

Bunyi telefon and it's Wan.

Terbangun.

Tarik nafas panjang lagi. Is this what I want? I guess yeah but I don't know. It was 10 am and my neck hurts. Aku letak kepala salah angle and sampai sekarang nak toleh kiri kanan pun susah. 

Aku singgah pejabat pos and aku realize yang banyak benda dah berubah. Setem no longer 30 cent, it 70.. more than half. Aku beratur and out of sudden late 40s female berdiri sebelah aku. Aku senyum dan angguk as I nicely ask her to que in front of me. The only thing I can remember her; she has that mamak's look. Muka India muslim. Mamak is better. Whatever.

Lepas aku beli setem, aku cari bangku batu untuk tampalkan pada resume. Masih celaru, dan masih tarik nafas panjang. I didn't know why but it happened.

And again this woman came and sat beside me.

"Rajinnya awak? Buat apa?"

"Tengah cari kerja,"

"Rajinnya,"

"Tak adalah rajin. Hidup, macam nilah,"

Dia senyum. Aku senyum. I am a nice person even sometimes I'm harsh but I am nice. You can deny but I am a nice person. Now, it is irritating, Huda. Well, I just wanne be a little nicer.

"Acik datang sini jumpa doktor apa?"

"Kencing manis,"

"Oh.. dah lama?"

Bla bla bla. The conversation went on and on and on.

"Eh, makanlah,"

"Tak apa, saya dah makan sarapan,"

Dia suakan aku buah and she wanted me to have a bite which was weird. For me, it's weird.

"Baguslah awak ni,"

Again?

"Tak adalah. Saya dah 24 so saya kena fikir macam mana nak hidup sekarang. Government hospital maybe tak akan panggil buat masa terdekat jadi kena work hardlah sikit,"

"Tak apa, cari je dulu. Mana dapat pergi dulu,"

I laughed.

"Okaylah. Pergi dulu. Ni saya bagi nombor telefon nanti telefon eh?"

I was like what? Why should I need to call her? Why she needs to expect me to call her? But unconsciously I grabbed my handphone to take the numbers and all she gave me was one bussiness card.

"I love you,"

And she just went away. Just like that. Wait, did she says I love you to me? What?

Aku simpan kad tu dalam wallet, errr.. okay fine dalam purse without even looking. Aku masukkan resume dalam post box and aku jalan semula dalam keramaian manusia. I guess USM tengah buat satu event sebab manusia sangatlah ramai. 

And out of sudden, again, she was in front of me, smiling.

"See you next time,"

And went away again.

Aku pelik. What's wrong with this woman or what's wrong with me? Am I too bright or too gloomy or too whatever that let everybody start to notice me? Am I too weird? Did I wear something that catch attention?

Definitely not.

And I remember something which was placed in my purse. Aku buka wallet ops, purse dan keluarkan bussiness card tadi.

She has seven kidergartens! 

And now I'm still wondering, ni alamat apa sebenarnya? Ni jawapan apa yang aku nak ke apa? Still aku ada doubt, aku akan kehilangan semua skills aku ke? Ni apa sebenarnya?

I just take it as an option not more. But,

Miracle does happen, doesn't it?

Enough

At least he replied my message and the content? Soooooooooooo good to be read! 

Oh Finally.

Either Way

Nobody says this life will be so much easy, but it is worth to try, huh?

---

I don't know if I did try much enough and I also don't know if I hadn't try much enough. I dont know. Up until this moment, I still keep on asking, should I shut my mouth or shouldn't I?

Because either way, it hurts.

Pain

Bilik dan tong sampah tiada beza! My biological clock went worse I guess. I can't sleep because I'm having pain in my.. I don't know what name is that bone, but its really hurt. 

Tidur memang statik habis. Solat setiap kali nak qiam memang rasa nak solat duduk. Berjalan macam orang berpantang. Sakit gila! Kena consult ortopedik kah? Oh, tolonglah aku serik.

Aku rasa sebab aku tahan beban banyak kaki kiri so kaki kiri compensate. Dan aku banyak berjalan sehari dua ni, dan banyak duduk dari bergerak, so.. inilah hasilnya. It is painful. Sangat sakit. Sangat.

Tolonglah aku nak balik.

But this pain? Should I came back? Well I still need to come back, for chest clinic.

Ahaaa, Memang Pathetic!

Aku pergi library berhantar okay hari ni. Thanks Ain. Elok je aku nak masuk, ternampak encik yang dipertanggungjawabkan untuk menjaga kesejahteraan library. Dia juga orang selalu tegur Hadiah dan aku dekat meja keluar masuk library. Yang selalu tahu kalau aku pergi library, mesti dengan Hadiah. Ergh. Dan yang suka tanya soalan pasal tulang, sakit pinggang, all medical stuffs dekat Hadiah.

"Ha? Sorang je hari ni? Kawan mana?"

"Dia dah balik, Negeri Sembilan,"

"Oh. Cantik kerongsang kat tudung. Berkelip-kelip,"

Aku tengah sibuk isi nama untuk bawa masuk laptop. I told ya I hate talk about this thing. Benda benda berpisah or kenangan or whatever.

"Murah je. Mydin,"

"Mesti mahalkan?"

What? And aku tengok kerongsang kat tudung aku. Aku sendiri pun tak tahu kerongsang mana yang dia cakap. Dan tak pernah kisah aku nak pakai keronsang apa. Kena match warna ke whatever. Yang aku tahu, kerongsang is kerongsang, yang kena pakai untuk pin tudung. That's it.

I did buy benda benda macam ni. Come oh, aku perempuan okay. It just that bila aku beli, ya aku beli. Then bila aku nak pakai, itu adalah perkara yang lain. Dan biasanya apa yang aku beli, adalah tidak cantik. Dan aim aku beli, mestila boleh dipakai dengan semua jenis baju dan segala jenis warna dan pelbagai jenis keadaan. You know what I mean. You know it.

Tak pernah orang puji taste aku, dan tak semua orang suka taste aku. Dan jarang juga aku suka taste orang. Yeah, even aku dan mak dan dua adik beradik perempuan aku pun tak suka keluar dengan aku. Sebab aku, tasteless. So? Dan, aku tak kisah. Cantik hodoh ni subjektif. Tak percaya? Percayalah. We'll never make it right kalau kena membeli dengan Azah. Cantik kat mata dia like what-the-heck kat mata aku.

Jadi bila pakcik ni puji kerongsang aku, aku tengok balik tudung aku. Wondering.

"Oh. Tak tahu kawan kasi,"

"Kawan kasi. Ohhh..."

Err? Adeh, seminit tadi aku cakap Mydin dan murah. Kemudian aku cakap kawan kasi. Eh, aku memang tak tipu, kawan aku beli kat Mydin dan dia kasi aku. 

"Kawan kasi. Ohhh kawan kasi,"

Now, it sounds weird. Aku tengok dia and angkat kening. What? Okay. Fine. Aku faham. Aduhai. Apa kalau benda cantik-sweet-cute ni mesti lelaki je ke bagi?

"Pakcik nak bagi awak jugalah. Pakcik nak bagi apa eh?"

Aku pandang.

"Bagi saya masuk library cukuplahhhhhhhh,"

Crap!

Never switch on the lamp. Liar. Okay fine, when it's reaching 8 pm then I realize it's too dark. Talk alone. Lonely. Very lonely. Nobody to talk to, except to your imaginary friends. My imaginary friends; that I can yell, I can beat, I can push, I can slap.

Stop.

Did I mention friend... S?

What life is this?

This Is It

Sakit kan perpisahan? Sakit sampai I make myself busy with anything else. To some people, diorang akan tengok bagaimana egonya aku menghadapi perpisahan. The might think I'm too sellfish, too arrogant. It just I hate to make multiple holes in my heart. Its painful.

1. I avoid the farewell.

2. I avoid seeing them in the mean time.

3. I avoid talking about it.

4. I avoid crying. Yeah. This is the uttermost.

I can stop from whatever I'm doin' to see them untuk kali terakhir, but I choose not to. Call me heartless or whatever, I just can't. Forgive me for that.

Instead of let it bursts out, I hold the pain inside. When I was in my primary school, the very last day we had, all of them were hugging each other, cried and told that this is not the last. And what did I do?

Standing at one corner, but sometimes they dragged me in to be part of the crying session. I stood still. I didn't know what I supposed to do? But bet you, it's hurt. It just I didn't know how to let it out. This was too formal.

Masa menengah rendah aku, bila dapat tawaran ke sekolah lain, of course ada gembira. Dan disebalik tu juga, pasti ada sedih menanti. Kenangan kena basuh tandas, kena halau pergi prep, merengek nak peha ayam dengan makcik kantin, etc etc. Kena lalui fasa berpisah, itu lagi sakit.

Dan aku serius tak tahu nak react dengan perpisahan macam mana. Bagaimana yang sepatutnya perpisahan itu seharusnya di sambut. Sebab kebiasaanya, aku avoid. Sabab sakitnya terlalu sakit, sakit yang kau tak tahu nak pinpoint dekat mana tapi kau tahu somewhere, around you heart. You know it. I know it.

And I did celebrate this thing. How do I celebrate it maybe a little bit different. I will spend one time, walk alone and feel the feelings. Dan bila aku tengok benda, atau lalu bangunan, atau smell the scent (whatever it might be), aku keep on tanya diri sendiri; satu hari nanti, aku akan ingat balik tak semua ni? 

Dan biasanya, aku ingat. 

Those yang tiba-tiba terjumpa aku tengah jalan; when it comes to the number two from the lists of avoidance (scroll back), they will realize. I've never use "Good Bye", but I use "See you next time," instead. Dan aku akan beredar cepat. I can't be there. It's hard. I'm sorry for making the situation a little bit harsh and inappropriate. This is me. One of the worst part of being me.

Aku selalu pegang semua barang yang ada kenangan hatta hanya satu sachet coffee. Macam sekarang. Hadiah went back, and Allah knows when will I meet her again. She and I will always in need of caffein to study, or basically before going to library. And if she needs to stay up, dia akan bancuh separuh dari satu sachet kopi.

Aku minum Radix sebab kopi jenama lain memang aku tak boleh masuk sangat, and Hadiah tak boleh dengan Radix. She left one and a half sachet of her Masad caffein in my room and now I'm holding it. You know what is the feeling?

It's bullshit.

I hate this part.

... [6]

At certain point, I'm asking myself...

Aku nak apa dalam hidup ni?

Hek Eleh

Haduhaiii.

Suka gila tengok kau online, tapi takut gila kot nak klik dan... "Apa macam hari ini? Ada baik?"

Sheiihhh!

Huk Alos

I dream I am cool everyday.

I dream of being yak-a-aw super duper extra happy everyday.

I dream of smilin' lotsalot everyday (its a way I create to say ton of numbers. You can read it as 'latsalot' whatever).

Hahahhaha.

Oh. Still. I'm stuck here. I begged to daddy I wanna go home for a while, so I'm thinking of heading to Selangor this Thursday as I have an invitation to Better Speech and Hearing Week (I supposed I recall it right) at Hospital Serdang, and accompany my sister to her new enrolment at UiTM. Finally, one of my siblings get away from this health field. Thank god.

But I wanna my husband from health field for sure. Eheks.

Oh I'm sorry for my bad English and grammar and comprehension and punctuation. I'm so eager to write new story in english. So-in-the-moooooood. Ohoo.  Okay, fine! I admit it; this is thesis-writing syndrome. I wish I'm married with an english teacher now or at least fluent-english-tongue. So I can have a helping hand that can check on my grammar or better; write it for me! Hehehhehe!

Well, past few days (still today and tomorrow and until I'm properly finish my thesis) are the gloomy days. Everything seems went so wrong until I have no idea what is actually going on? I'm nauseous everyday and I'm fully sure I'm damn in stress!

I have trouble finishing my meal. Shuitt!

I have severe head throbbing. Double shuittt!

And I can feel my spectacles doesn't longer help much. Triple Shuitt!

Come on, everybody knows that I hate to take drugs. I have bestfriend from medical side, and guess what.. despite she came out with all the whatever-textbooks-say, still I won't hear. Bet you, Hadiah (my super duper best friend right now) already at the point where she will advise when I ask her to. Or else, she'll say... "Kan Hadiah dah kata,"

She is now in her ORL/ENT (Ear Nose and Throat) posting, and she explained why do I have panda-eyes, and nose-salute ke menatang apa entah, its because I'm so refuse to take my nasal spray and xyzal. Ahaaa. Out of sudden, I'm so compliance with this medications.

Huh. Perempuan dan nak menjadi cantik sihat sungguh sinonim!

Okay. Gud bye. 

p/s: Before I mengarut too much.

Ingat Lagikah Kau?

Hey.

Do you remember when we were really in trouble 6 years back? I was acting cool while you keep on calming me. I was laughing and keep saying that thing will be okay. It will. It will.

You hold the responsibilities on your shoulder while the one who need to face it was me. You said all the things that you think its nice just to make sure that I won't be alone. You will always be by my side no matter how. No matter what. 

You said that.

You said that.

Do you remember when one day you caught me crying? You sat right in front of me. I started to laugh as I was too ashamed to let the tears running down. I kept saying how fool I was to cry when I shouldn't have to.

But, you said.. hey! Keep crying! It's okay to cry. Here, I gave you my shoulder. Go on!

You said that.

You said that.

Well, I didn't do anything.

I did not say how important you in my life. I ignored. It always be my fault to let somebody like you not to see the way you deserve. It's my bad because I chose to hide my feeling while expressing it was the better option.

Therefore, the only way left; learn to let go.

And now at this particular moment, I would say the hardest for this time, I come out with this question.. will you coming back? Blame on stress straightaway. *smile*

No. It's okay. I don't expect any YES answer and I don't wan it to happen that way. Just say NO.

I already move on.

Today!

I don't wanna be here anymore. Anymore. Anymore. I think I already have had enough. I don't wanna be here. You hear me? You hear me? You hear me?

Take my hand, hold it tightly. Open the door so I can step out safely.

I don't wanna be here.

I have no tears anymore. I let the pain fade away. I let the burden dissapear. I learn to keep the smile. I learn to hide the cry.

I don't wanna be here.

Let me go. Let me free. I ain't strong. I need neither help nor understanding. Just let me be, let me free.

I don't wanna be here.

This ending is beyond my imagination. This ending is the worst nightmare. I'm no longer know how to love. I'd rather pretending than being sincere. I'd choose to fake than make everything clear.

I just don't wanna be here.

Anymore.

Mudah Ingat, Mudah Lupa

Haila haih!

Betullah kan, setiap orang ada kelemahan dan kelebihan dia sendiri. Kelemahan terbesar aku adalah apa sahaja yang berkaitan dengan nombor dan arah. Atau senang cerita, jangan kau harapkan aku untuk membaca peta.

Kadang kala aku rasa otak anugerah Allah kepada diri aku ni hebat. Of course lah semua orang hebat. Eh, jap. Ni blog aku kan? Hohoho.

Aku senang cam orang dan aku ingat muka dia. Aku ingat yang betul betul ingat sampai kalau tengah jalan aku boleh terberhenti dan tegur dulu like what? Pastu kalau terserempak tak agak agak nak fikir dulu, pakai tegur je. Ah.

Aku tak tahu apa jenis atau nama bagi kondisi ini, tapi bila ia berlaku, it just happens. Macam tu. 

Aku keluar makan malam, as always dengan one of my best friends, Hadiah. Tengah tengah jalan aku berselisih dengan seorang lelaki dan aku terpandang muka dia dan aku terberhenti dan aku senyum sebab yakin gila aku kenal lelaki tu dan aku yakin dia kenal aku. Macam ada kena mengena atau pernah terlibat dalam satu program sekali. Macam tu lah.

"Macam kenal?"

Dia tengok aku.

"HKB ke?"

Dia tengok lagi.

"Tak,"

"Errr? Tak pelah. Babai,"

Aku memang gila yakin aku kenal dan sampai saat ni aku cuba recall dekat mana aku jumpa namun masalah besarnya... AKU TAK INGAT!

I know him. I know him. I know him! Argh!

Tua benar dah aku ni.

Kita

Tak semudah itu.

Tak sesukar itu.

Yau can blame,

And I'll take it....

Dedaunan Itu

Tak apa.

Bagai dedaunan.

Ada hijau.

Ada kuning.

Ada segar.

Ada layu.

Yang hijau bukan berfotosintesis selamanya.

Yang kuning busuk bukan jijik hina.

Hijaukan tua.

Kuningkan merubah baja.

Hijau kuning.

Segar layu.

Hebat dan cela.

Ke tanah jua akhirnya....

Jangan Biarkan Damai Ini Pergi

Bukanlah nujum aku mampu bicarakan apa akan berlaku esok. Apa akan berlaku lusa. Apa akan berlaku nanti. Bukanlah aku tukang sihir mampu merubah hasil, atau sekurang-kurangnya merubah hati dari perit bertukar senang menangis. Bukan juga aku mulia pada hati yang dapat menahan henti amarah serta merta saat ia terbakar menyala.

Bukan.

Bukan pada hati.

Bukan pada perasaan.

Jauh sekali pada kelakuan.

Namun apa yang ada. Apa adanya. Biarkan ia disitu, meski merobek hati, masih ada megah untuk berdiri memegang kekuatan hadiah buat insan bernama manusia.

Dalam sujud akhir, ada tenang air mengalir basahkan seluruh perit jalanku. Dalam tenang redhaku, nekadku untuk tempuh semua setiap satunya. Dalam berkecai derai hati, ada senyum memaksaku bertatih lagi.  

Oh tuhan, 

Meski apa pintaku belum masa milikku lagi...

Jangan biarkan damai ini pergi...

Stages

5 Stages of Grieving Process.

1. Denial

2. Anger

3. Bargaining

4. Depression

5. Acceptance

Hari Selainnya

Tahap dan takat dan kemampuan manusia ada juga terkadang hampir sampai pada hujung henti. Dan hujung henti selalunya bukan tempat berhenti mutlak. Dalam kata lain, kelemahan kau bukan kekal dan kekuatan kau juga bukan selamanya.

Pasang surutnya kekal ada. Kekal ada. Pasti. Pasti ada.

Aku kira tiga hari sebelum ini adalah tahap tertinggi kelemahan dan daya kekuatan aku bergerak seiring. Bersama-sama. Saat aku jatuh terjelepuk, ada suara berkata okay! Pasti boleh.

Saat aku sudah membina percaya, ada pula bisikan halus, ni tak baca tu tak baca.

Degup jantung kencang dalam hati usah dicerita. Bagai ada beban berkilo bertan-tan dihimpun bersama. Perasan ini, entah perasan apa. Yang pasti, untuk bernafas pun seperti ada sekatan tak membenar selesa.

Asal buka buku, debaran makin kencang. Tak membaca langsung, lain pula kencangnya. Oh!

Maka tiga hari ini, sungguh refuse untuk buka buku. Tak tahu jenis penyakit apa melanda, tapi memang pegang dalam hati kejap lekat, enough with books! Walaupun tahu ilmu yang tak berapa nak ada belum hebat  terletak kemas dalam hati dalam minda, biar! Biar!

Sungguh bergantung pada apa yang dibebelkan dalam diskusi berkumpulan. Itu sahaja ilmu yang dipegang.

Maka, untuk menenangkan hati, malam periksa pergi Wakaf Che Yeh. Like what the heck malam exam pergi WCY? Like kau dah cukup hebat ke nak hadap esok dengan berfoya foya hari ni?

BIAR!

Bila mak ayah tanya tak apa ke nak exam esok? Berani sungguh berkeras, biar! Biar! Tak nak baca buku. Tak nak buat apa! Tak nak.

Macamlah pergi WCY tu tenang. Naik bergegar otak aku dengan manusia. Naik darah aku dengan manusia merata rata. Berjalan ke pasar malam Jumaat depan USM ni pun dah cukup buat aku migrain berjalan pegang dahi, inikan WCY?

Tak pe. Biar. Nak hilang stress jom buat kerja yang tak pernah rasa nak buat selama ni.

Betullah. Stress macam mana mana pun, baliklah pada tuhan. Baliklah pada DIA. Pada DIA ada tenang, ada cahaya, ada harapan.

I'm not going to ask more. YOU gave me more than enough Oo Allah

p/s: YOU give me nice friends too, Oo Allah.

Ini Perasaan Apa Eh?

Ada rasa nak senyum bila teringat.