This Is It

Sakit kan perpisahan? Sakit sampai I make myself busy with anything else. To some people, diorang akan tengok bagaimana egonya aku menghadapi perpisahan. The might think I'm too sellfish, too arrogant. It just I hate to make multiple holes in my heart. Its painful.

1. I avoid the farewell.

2. I avoid seeing them in the mean time.

3. I avoid talking about it.

4. I avoid crying. Yeah. This is the uttermost.

I can stop from whatever I'm doin' to see them untuk kali terakhir, but I choose not to. Call me heartless or whatever, I just can't. Forgive me for that.

Instead of let it bursts out, I hold the pain inside. When I was in my primary school, the very last day we had, all of them were hugging each other, cried and told that this is not the last. And what did I do?

Standing at one corner, but sometimes they dragged me in to be part of the crying session. I stood still. I didn't know what I supposed to do? But bet you, it's hurt. It just I didn't know how to let it out. This was too formal.

Masa menengah rendah aku, bila dapat tawaran ke sekolah lain, of course ada gembira. Dan disebalik tu juga, pasti ada sedih menanti. Kenangan kena basuh tandas, kena halau pergi prep, merengek nak peha ayam dengan makcik kantin, etc etc. Kena lalui fasa berpisah, itu lagi sakit.

Dan aku serius tak tahu nak react dengan perpisahan macam mana. Bagaimana yang sepatutnya perpisahan itu seharusnya di sambut. Sebab kebiasaanya, aku avoid. Sabab sakitnya terlalu sakit, sakit yang kau tak tahu nak pinpoint dekat mana tapi kau tahu somewhere, around you heart. You know it. I know it.

And I did celebrate this thing. How do I celebrate it maybe a little bit different. I will spend one time, walk alone and feel the feelings. Dan bila aku tengok benda, atau lalu bangunan, atau smell the scent (whatever it might be), aku keep on tanya diri sendiri; satu hari nanti, aku akan ingat balik tak semua ni? 

Dan biasanya, aku ingat. 

Those yang tiba-tiba terjumpa aku tengah jalan; when it comes to the number two from the lists of avoidance (scroll back), they will realize. I've never use "Good Bye", but I use "See you next time," instead. Dan aku akan beredar cepat. I can't be there. It's hard. I'm sorry for making the situation a little bit harsh and inappropriate. This is me. One of the worst part of being me.

Aku selalu pegang semua barang yang ada kenangan hatta hanya satu sachet coffee. Macam sekarang. Hadiah went back, and Allah knows when will I meet her again. She and I will always in need of caffein to study, or basically before going to library. And if she needs to stay up, dia akan bancuh separuh dari satu sachet kopi.

Aku minum Radix sebab kopi jenama lain memang aku tak boleh masuk sangat, and Hadiah tak boleh dengan Radix. She left one and a half sachet of her Masad caffein in my room and now I'm holding it. You know what is the feeling?

It's bullshit.

I hate this part.