Even The Skies Get Rough

" I won't give up on us..."

Time

You have to give time, sometimes. Well, in my case, the longer I wait, the harder it will be.

Time.

"Just take a leave,"

I did it.

"The appointment will be at 3. He will wait,"

"Okay,"

Time getting faster and faster that I wish I could just stop! Me heart beating so damn uncontrollable. Every single second count.

"What's your final decision?"

Take a deep breath.

"I'm sorry... I'm leaving,"

"Okay, if that's what you want plus you already met Prof. D. So, I take you already make up your mind,"

"No. They ask me to stay... it just.."

"What?"

"I'm not happy,"

He stared at me.

"I asked you and you told me everything is okay,"

"It was okay,"

"Then?"

"Sometimes... you have to lie, don't you?"

"But why?"

"Dr.,"

"Yes?"

"Can I trust you?"

"Why you can't?"

"I don't know. I'm afraid maybe. I think I can bear with it. I think it just a part of normal process to be a new person. I think I'll have the courage someday until I realize.. I just... can't,"

Silent.

"Your new place can't promise you the same thing wont happen,"

"Yes it can't, but it might not which it already happened here..."

"Just wait another 6 months, we will take the action,"

Silent.

"2 months. Just wait two months,"

"I can't. I just can't and I will probably lose the one that I have in hand,"

"You can apply for it,"

Silent.

"Dr., I will come, someday, maybe. Who knows? I don't and you don't know either,"

"Our door always open for you,"

Thank you. 

"Huda,"

"Uh-huh?"

"You still have time to change your mind,"

Smile.

"My mind is so stubborn right now,"

Alahai Kawan

Kalau hari hari gloomy datang, aku suka masuk sarang (ni bahasa adik aku bila aku ta reti reti nak keluar bilik), duduk diam diam terbaring tengah bilik sambil banyak-fikir-menyusahkan. Kadang-kadang, cuba recall benda benda sweet zaman dulu kala boleh senyum sorang sorang.

This is sooo mybestblurfriend.

"Ingat pesan aku, sampai HKL cari calon untuk aku sorang,"
"Ceh,"
"Apa ceh ceh?"
"Laaa aku dah tolong, now it's up to you to make move,"
"Ko ingat aku apa, lelaki?"

Hhahahhahaha.
Alahai Marwan.

Masalah

Kita masih muda, masih ada masa,

Janganlah kau cari gadis macam saya..

Anak kampung ku anak kampung,

Tidak padan tidak sepadan ya ya ya ya.

Catchy sungguh.

Life

To be you, yourself is the hardest yet possible thing. To please people?  

I am an ESFJ thank you.

"We hold your resign letter first. Go take your leave, think properly,"

"I've applied three days, would you approve?"

"Go ahead,"

So, Kelantan it was where my heart and life belongs.

"What do you want in your life, Huda?"

Without second thought, without hesitation I answered; being a lecturer has been my dream since day 1 I learn that someday I must be working. But most of the time, life doesn't work the way we want it to be therefore, there will always be plan A, B, C to Z (if it requires that long-lah). For me, probably it doesn't work well.

One good thing (together with thousand more), I have my lifelong teacher. The teachers that I can ask almost anything, everything. The teachers that can accept me being so childish when I easily let my tears drop down. The teachers that support me when I actually has my own stand but need somebody to tell, just go on which I will not do when people say, it is up to you, it's your life after all.

I am an ESFJ for goodness sake.

"Am I bad, Dr?"

"No. Sometimes we need to be selfish,"

"Dr.,"

"Uh-huh?"

"Can I just come back here when I need your advice?"

"My door is always open, don't worry,"

When my bestfriend's name was announced with a title Dr. in front, I feel like Allah has answered my prayer since day one I left USM. Tahniah Dr. Hadiah! And there is one person I admire the way he thinks, tahniah too!

It's worth now!

No Title

If it is true, then I meant for it and well... you're not my destiny.

Another Day

Aku suka bayi. 

Kalau kau surh aku cerita pasal bayi sepuluh juta kali pun aku sanggup. Kalau kau suruh aku attend bayi patbelasjutaratusribu kali pun aku rela. Aku tak tahulah kalau perasaan aku ni tak normal ke normal ke, yang penting aku boleh tenung baby tidur tanpa berkelip (statement over) sejam straight. Autism ke apa?

Aku tak tahulah kenapa, tapi bila tengok kaki bibir jari mata hidung yang serba kecik, aku jadi happy satu macam. Tu belum tenung diorang hisap jari sendiri, boleh mengekek tak pasal pasal. Gilo ko apo.

Jadinya, aku suka lepak nurseri. Bila nurse nak amik darah, aku akan pujuk sebab baby nangis adalah sungguh mencabar untuk sistem auditory aku proses. Hhahaha. Aku suka tukar lampin baby (daaaa?), tapi aku just tengok je lah prosedur mandi.

Hari ni, aku buat hearing test macam yang aku biasa buatlah of kos. Ada satu baby aku attend, bernafas satu macam. Aku try dukung dengar, sama. Aku wrap balik elok elok, letak elok elok takut salah letak kepala, sama. Aku perhati hidung, nampak struggle untuk bernafas. In fact, sometimes dia bernafas dengan mulut. Hmmm.

Aku keluar.

"Baby ni nafas berbunyi lah,"

"Iye? Semalam baru lepas suction,"

Nurse tengok. Kena buat suction lagi ni. Aku haruslah excited, sebab ni prosedur baru untuk aku observe. Well, memang bukan bidang aku pun tapi bila berkaitan dengan bayi, dia jadi perasaan lain macam. So aku tengok dengan tekun dari mula prepare hinggalah nak mula.

Tapi........

The moment nurse masuk wayar dalam hidung dalam anak tekak this baby, itulah saat aku berpaling jauhkan diri, menitik air mata.

Tak sanggup.

Itulah hikmah Allah bagi bayi ni memori dia hanyalah jangka masa pendek sahaja. Kalau tak, mesti baby tu benci aku sampai dia tua sebab aku just tengok tak buat apa apa and worse palingkan muka masa dia tengah terseksa disuction.

Allah, sangat adilkan?

"Crying isn't a sign of weakness. Since birth, it's been a sign that you're alive!"

p/s: Cuba kalau baby ada ingatan jangka masa panjang, orang pertama dia benci, doktor. Kedua, orang yang mengumpat mak bapak diorang masa dalam procedure room. Kekekkekeke.

Routine

Routine. 

It means to do the same work at the same time every now and then. Routine. Neither autistic nor asperger, it just again, routine. Well, I don't like routine cuz my life would be meaningless. But there are certain things that need to be routine, as for example, solah. And writing a blog, this blog has been one of  my routine activities, therefore I tried to stop for a while. I'm still alive alhamdulillah and yet, nothing missing. I'm still here, but the only different is, I hate it when I stop.

My life has been so routine. 

The moment I reach the main entrance of my working hospital, I will check my watch. If it is less than 7.30am, turn to the left to my office, if it is more than 7.30, turn to the right. But if it is nearly 7.30, I'll stop for 3 seconds to decide; to the left or to the right.

Routine.

Then, either to the left or to the right, I'll walk and humming my favorite song at that moment. Like a seasonal songs playing by entertainment radio station, and as for me, for now the song is 'Terukir Di Bintang', and before, 'Number One For Me'.

Routine.

As I walk, I'll smile to every person I meet along the way. Remembering the saying, smiling is infectious, I do it and I already see the outcome, it is good. It is super duper infectious.

Routing. Routine. Wrong spelling also one of my routine mistakes.

Then, take a lift (it is escalator or elevator? Too lazy to check), while waiting for the lift to open, I will pretend that I have a super power that I can open a door without touching it. Tingggggg! The door open, despite it is already reaching the 1st floor which means it doesn't actually open by my power, I enjoy it! Sometime I 'll giggle to myself for being stupid enough for the day, that day, and sometimes other people will smile at me while I'm still in a shock stage knowing there are other people that early, riding (?) my routine elevator. 

Routine.

---

Kekadang aku terifkir, ada ke tempat kerja yang set the brain to be super duper routine. Maksudnya, kau masuk je pintu tempat kau kerja, kau kena scan otak.

"Please put your chin properly,"

"Your brain is being scanned,"

"Scanned. Your health is fit to work today"

3 seconds.

"Dear Miss Syahidatul Huda (bukan nama sebenar), you're in a working state now. Have a nice day,"

Pupils elevated. The brain is tuned to what it supposed to do; working. I move in a programmed walking pace, not too fast or too slow, one by one. When I talk, it will be in a programmed rhythm and dialogue, of course the proper one therefore no mistakes will occur.

When it reaches 5pm, the machine will say, "You're off to go, have a nice rest and see you tomorrow,"

Well, routine.

Dilem

Between government and current. 

Haih. 

Ada spital memana nak cadang dak?