Dear Diary

Dear Diary,

Today, written exams end up officially. I was struggling like hell to gain concentration to study the night before. Heh. Oh, did I miss to tell you I failed my clinical exam?

Dear Diary,

I guess everybody were worrying over my excessive amount of panicking. Well, I am wonder too why I'm easily get distracted and once it happens, I'm no longer can concentrate for whatever I'm doing. I was about to cry when dear clinicians kept on calming me, my dear lecturer taught me the doa to reduce stress, my doctor advised me to stay calm and yet, I failed it.

Dear Diary,

I'm fine. I'm okay. I did sad. I did hurt. I did cry the moment I stepped out from the clinic, and the moment I was being told about my failure, and the moment my best friends asked and the moment my dad called me. Well. That was nature. Nature of failure. I was fine to cry, and I just let it as usual.

Dear Diary,

I'm not crying because I need to repeat. I was actually expecting it from the beginning. I cried because I could see my parent's hope fade away. I felt I was already disappointing my lecturers. I thought I was breaking my clinicians' confident over me.

Dear Diary,

I cried because I knew that wasn't me. That wasn't my actual performance. Well, it was okay to learn from the mistakes. That's how I taught my self and exactly the next two hours I can laugh. I can even make jokes to my friends regarding my failure. I'm fine. By fine, I really mean it, FINE.

Dear Diary,

I posted my failure at my FB's wall because I wanted nobody asked me sad things. Yeapp. That's me. I really like to acknowledge my failure and unlikely to share when I was doing well. I don't know why. I'm not gaining sympathy as I don't need any. I did it because, I hate to type the same word 'gagal' or 'fail' or 'repeat' all over again during SMS but with different people.  However, I am very grateful surrounded with my friends that really care. All of them asked and supported me. It was shocking them I failed but, it didn't on me.

Dear Diary,

I need to repeat my clinical exam on Monday. I need no hope to perform well because I know I can. All I need is being CALM. 

Dear Diary,

Can you help me?

Could you please tell them I'm okay?