I'm scared of future, not only my future but the whole future. I'm paranoid people; scared of everything. I'm afraid of sleeping, because I'm afraid of not waking up the next morning. I'm afraid of driving a car, I may hit somebody the next minute. I'm afraid of migraine, I think I have a tumour in my head. I'm afraid of nausea or vomit, I may have cancer. I'm afraid of catching cold, I may have stop breathing. I'm afraid long distance journey, I'm scared caught in accident. I'm afraid of easily to like people, I may hurt later. I'm afraid of people asking for my help when we met out of sudden or in a street, they may have hidden agenda.
I'm scared of everything.
I even worry of increasing number of deaf people, it means my profession is not good enough. I'm worry of global warming, I thought we will be burnt silently. I'm worry of economy crisis, I'm afraid that the whole people in the world will be starving and leads to violence. I'm worry of non-educated TV programs, I'm afraid of my future nation.
I'm worry of everything.
Sometimes (or perhaps most of the time), I can feel that I'm unsettled and talking to much to myself which is unnecessary.
I remind myself that stop worrying about tomorrow. If all the people starving, it means all, we all will be sharing the moment. There is no need to worry or afraid because nobody knows what happens later. No need to worry until we have to. And, even the time is coming, no need to worry to face it.
That's what I said.
That's what I force myself to believe.
I've been trying to fit in the society here, even sometimes it makes me sick. I stop isolating and try to be more open.
You know that I am easily like people? That's I hate the most because I'am easily to be hated. Sometimes, because of the paranoid, I always think negative. It's bad. I assume, and imagine that everything will be bad no matter what I do.
Somehow I beg to myself to just stop. And whisper within myself to that people; stop pushing me away... (even he/she doesn't anyway).
It is okay. Okay. I try to convince myself everytime I face the difficult times of when I caught being worry or scared or felt uneasy; It is okay. It is always will.
I always tell my self that;
At least I'm trying to...