This Decision Is Final

This is one of the toughest decisions I have to make. I guess so. It took two weeks until I really realize that I need help. I really need that. I was long time ago, about to be referred too but I asked for two weeks to manage by myself first, and I did it.

But now...

***

This was the second time I have informal yet important conversation with my friend, Syafiq. He is in his psychiatry posting right now. Actually, I was accidentally met him with few of his group members. They were discussing and I said hi and asked what they did; as the purpose of being nice. 

As one of his friends (I don't know her name) said psychiatry, I took a deep breath and sat down.

"It is okay if I ask you few things?"

"Sure,"

"I need help and I guess psychiatrist is the right person. I have, I would say, it's a very serious panic attack,"

She was looking at me straightaway and I didn't know if I were too sensitive or she really did but yeah, my heart at some point said, that wasn't weird to get that such glances with this kind of problem.

"I failed exam twice and no other reasons suit well for accusing my failure but this disorder,"

Then she started with history taking and suggested me to get an appointment for further help. I just smiled and started to count how long did this problem has occurred; put aside the post traumatic event. It's not yet reaching 2 weeks.

I hope that this will subside in a few days.

Well, bad situation does happen, doesn't it? It is never get better in any situations right now. I've searched all about the anxiety disorder, stress, panic attack. Sadly said, all those can lead to further problem; depression. I've tried all possible remedies (read; strategies) suggested so I can stop that from worsening. But, it just slowly lead to depression.

Out of eight symptoms Syafiq gave me, I got six positives. Sleep disturbances, irritable, feeling guilty,  decreasing energy, reduce concentration and loss appetite. Well, I already realized that. Oh, did I forget to tell you I've tried few tests offered by internet just to make sure that I'm OKAY?

It's hard to persuade my heart when I can sense that my clinician is no longer trust my ability straightaway after my failure. It was difficult to keep myself on track whenever I lost in the middle of the session. It's tearing my heart into pieces when I made a very small mistake and yet my friend nagged on me on the spot.

As a result, my heart get broken easily day by day before it can fix the pieces.

No. I'm not whining. I'm even still considering to private my blog thus no one will misunderstand my purposes of writing.  I am at this moment is no longer I am., therefore saying something that burdens me might help having back the old me.

While finishing my patient's report, my senior suddenly knocked on the door. We had a  nice conversation and I couldn't remember how I jumped into this issue.

"Abang Izat, do you think I need that?"

"If your condition need that, why not?"

"I need help, and I know this is it,"

"Then go,"

"There're medical students in there. I don't want them to meet me, in psychi clinic especially,"

"Ignore them, Huda,"

"I can't,"

"And you want to fail next try just because you're ashamed with those students?"

"No,"

"Then, move on. Try anything possible so you won't regret later. Don't give up. There're always the doctors who are willing to help you,"

I think a lot today. A LOT. Weighting everything, pro and cons. I called my sister and cried badly. She too, cried silently but I can hear that. She told me to keep crying because she said I always keep thing inside. Well Along, I'm not always keeping by myself. I just rarely show to you guys.

And I've made my final decision. I need help...