Dear Diary: Mama, I'm Sorry!

"Kami sayangkan awak, jadi hari ini awak hanya LULUS BERSYARAT. Awak akan duduki ujian semula mid term nanti,"

Dear Diary,

Still, I couldn't make it. It seems like whatever I did, it'll end up nothing.

Dear Diary,

Mommy was fasting on that day so I could at least had a little peace. I did. I really did it. Except for the last thirteen minutes, where my examiner knocked the door and reminded me that only 13 minutes left. That 13 minutes; I didn't finish one procedure. When I managed to finish up, the test need to be proceeded with the second procedure for the whole frequencies. Alhamdullillah, I did it together with counselling, But, the counselling part, that wasn't done perfectly as the time's up.

Dear Diary,

I really hope that this time I could pass. I tried to overcome my panic, well I guess the fate wasn't for me this time. That last 13 minutes, it ruined the whole session.

Dear Diary,

It was a big impact when my examiners called back the patient to recheck what had I done. That time, I could feel my heart, stop beating. That time, when my heart start to pump in the blood again, it did in a very hurt way. What could had been so hurt when your examiner retest your patient? What does it means? None of my friends had to face this like I did. I felt so stupid, hopeless.

Dear Diary,

It means; they did not trust my results. It means; I'm unreliable. It means; I'm not yet qualified. And among all my friends, I'm the real loser.

Dear Diary,

I was a big relief until I cried in front of my examiners! I had no words to say but tears loaded to burst out. It was at least calming me when he said, the result wasn't differ much than his. It was also a big relief when he did agree that the patient is quite difficult to get the threshold. At least, I'm not that bad after all. At least, I was not spending time unnecessarily as he claimed I was. 

Dear Diary,

I've been trained for a year and half, and only a day taken to receive: You're not at what we hoped you should.

Dear Diary,

I called mom. I cried badly until I didn't know what I was mumbling for. I kept asking apologizes from her until she stopped me by saying I'm cleverer than her. That more than enough for her. Well, the tears stopped for a while before it worsening. 

Dear Diary,

But, still I didn't manage it to pass. 

Dear Diary,

I text-ed my two lecturers which are my doctors too. I said how much I was sorry for not making it. Back then, it reminds me how audiology wasn't my dreams but after I got sick for quite a long time and they helped me; it did change my perception towards my course, audiology. Since then, I love this course, for the sake of people who helped me.

Dear Diary,

I work harder. I read a lot. Not to please or impress lecturers or clinicians but to pay back their kindness towards me. I borrowed a lot of books and being in a library sometimes for the whole day to absorb word by word from the text books. I keep on telling myself up to now, I owe them and the only way to pay back; being success.

Dear Diary,

Prof. Din called me to motivate. With tears, again, I lost. The only thing I could say, my future that I see so bright, now becomes completely dark. I told him, I guess being audiologist didn't suit me well. He convinced me that, that wasn't true. The problem was I easily panic. I smiled, there are few things I can't work under pressure. One of that, this.

Dear Diary,

I guess I want to agree with one of my friends when he said he hoped he will not being examined with certain examiners. I was at that time told him, if I were him, I'll hope to get the questions I can answer. So, there will be no room to fail him.

Well, I guess I am wrong this time.

Dear Diary,

I'm in the acceptance phase now but sometimes I reject the fact that I failed. Well, my best friend who face a lot worse than I am, advised me that it's natural to reject for certain times. She said, Allah sees and counts my effort to 'redha'. Allah knows best. She said too, HE wants me to fail because of the reason that I don't know... yet. And, when the time comes, I'll realize and grateful for the failure I'm facing now. She said, He  wants to test me how much I understand the word 'hamba'.

I cried again for her words. Thanks, Hadiah.

Dear Diary,

I'm fine now. Please, help me face this from now on. My spirit, sometimes up high, sometimes...

p/s: I did think of changing course.