Despite the differences, we share the same blood colour; red!
I was helping Pantai Medical Centre last week. I called it 'helping', they called it'locum', whatever you call it, I don't care.
"Miss Huda, are you working now?"
"Nope. Still jobless,"
"We need your help. Can you do locum tomorrow, because our audiologist is on leave,"
"Alright! That will be great. You can have my help without need to pay. I want to help and it's for free. I'd like to help,"
Actually, I miss to see someone to help, in this case, patient. Those who know me, who maybe know the histories of mine, facing my very last year, final, you'll know how painful it was. I've f ailed not once, not twice, but 4 times! Those who know me, will know how much I have to struggle between the need to stay healthy not to mention mentally tortured and the hanging-on-the-thread thesis. I was planning the worst anyway; the need to extend for one more semester.
Thus, when I helped the patient at Pantai, my heart beating faster as all the bad memories kept on recalling in my mind. I needed to ease my feeling, so I tried to imagine something else,I chose kids, I imagined them at the kindergarten I've worked before.
Dok USM baik baik Kak Hud, untuk masa berbaki. Selamat gigih siapkan tesis. You can do it. Jom siapakan laju laju lepas tu balik tanah air tinggalkan yang tak best kat USM takyah bawak balik sekali.
Takpe Kak Hud. Allah will not burden more than a soul can hold. For all those hardships, yg kadang kadang Nad rasa mcm ohh gagahnya jiwa Kak Hud jumpa situasi macam macam sepanjang 4 tahun ni, DIA tengah prepare something untuk Kak Hud tu, insha Allah. Sebab sume benda yg jadi, takdenye dengan sebab kita bertindak sendiri melainkan ilham yang DIA bagi jugak. Macam yg ciknin pesan, yang baik cedok amik, yang tak best boleh ignore. ~Nad
I'm not that strong. I love people especially kids. I love to help. I love to build new friends everyday. I have a lot of friends not only my course mates or classmates, but other proffesional as well. I, on the other hand, also have my own ego. I rarely hate people, but when I do, it will be so hard for me to deal. Very hard.
I'm easily to forgive and seldom take the fight very serious. I'm easily forget that's why even being fooled for several times, I can make it okay the very next day. I will try very hard even it jeopardizes myself. I love my friends and I hardly can accept the lost. However, they are certain cases I don't know why, I can't. How hard I've tried, it always end with more hatred, more tears.
So, I run. I hide. But, I can't hide forever. I can't run forever. I have to face no matter what it takes.
My childhood was damaged.
My teenage life, was damaged too.
I force myself to forget, that explains why, whenever my family open up the stories of us; especially my sister and I, I remember very little. Most of those, I don't know. Yes, I'm coward after all. I can't even think do I really have even one nice memory to recall?
No, I don't.
Therefore, I work hard for my early adult to be the most interesting time to build life, my life. When my age started with two digits and the initial number is 2, I found the bright light. I found my life was interesting day by day. Despite the illnesses, I live my life happily.
Sometimes, there will be a time that I regret how bad was my childhood. I blame on that too that creates my attitude now; the perfection, the hatred, the hard-to-trust, the pessimism, the all or none law. But when I realize that is wrong, I feel guilty so I repent. Simple. But not that simple as the word sounds.
The brightest life, I thought it is, somehow faded when I reached my final year. I live in nightmares up to now. It was bad to fail four times, but the worst, to face the life after that.
I don't have problem being interviewed when most of the people have. I don't tremble, my voice doesn't shaky, I sit comfortable, answer the questions with confidence. I like interview, even my dad always complaint you should've bring this bag, you should not wear this clothes, you should pick the right hijab's style, whatever.
I don't mind.
There will never be enough if it is me but that's fine. I get used to it already. My calculation is simple though; if they like me, they'll hire me. I they don't, then I won't get the position. Taqdir, something better is waiting ahead. I believe in that.
I caught in a traffic jam yesterday. The interview was at 1 p.m while I still on the road. My parents worried, I know they did. But I, on the other hand, don't care. I called them as my dad asked me to, and they were nice; tell me to just try my best to be there.
"Yeap. I'm sorry. Being late for interview is not good for the first impression."
I smiled. After all the hardships of my final year, I would say I'll find a position for me other than audiologist. You can call me coward, again, but the failure has haunted me every now and then.
"Do you have another plan apart from working here? Maybe further your study? You know, if we hire you then you have to go, we need an immediate replacement. It will cause much trouble,"
Well, this is the difficult one. Sometimes, people will tell anything please as long as they get the job. But I can't. I won't. I don't know how to lie and I always tell the truth. Even if telling the truth will cause me to lose the position, it is okay. It is better safe than sorry. I told them I don't have the transport, so if they need me to work around, I can't. I told them, few things I need to revise, but I know I can. I told them, I need to work the fixed hour for the first few months because I need my dad to pick me up after working.
And Alhamdulillah, they all okay with the difficulties I may need to face.
"Regarding the plan, I have a plan to further my study. However, I don't know if USM has budget for me or not so I think to work first. I don't know if I can get the chance or not because my pointer not that high but enough, there may have another applicants which are far better than me so the competition is high, and the budget as well, is one of the issues. I would say the percentage for me to get accepted is low, but miracle does happen, doesn't it? When it happens, I don't want to feel guilty but if it doesn't, I already tell you the truth,"
Well again, if it is meant for me, then it will be mine.
"How confident are you?"
My mind flied away...
"Prof. D, could you please refer me to the psychiatrist?"
"Why? You just fail, Huda. You can try it again,"
"I've tried twice and it seems that I'm not born to be audiologist,"
"Why would you want to see psychiatrist?"
"I can't sleep. I can't eat. I can't think and I know I need help,"
That was the craziest thing I've ever done. I got the referral letter, I went to the department, but I've never make an appointment.
I worked it out myself. I've tried even harder and it still caused another two failures.
Back to the reality.
"You know you need to do the hearing screening for adults and kids and newborns, for the industrial workers and stuff. How confident are you?"
"I'm confident. I get enough experience,"
And I whispered to myself.
"You've got enough failures too and now the time has coming to face it, to stand up back, and be a little stronger and braver,"