We're no longer use negatives to make photos nowadays, we use digital camera instead. Life has constant changing so, life isn't like old photography after all. We did wrong, we hurt, we fell and we stand up back even stronger. So, there are no negatives. You fall down and there's no wrong to feel the failures.
Life itself is what you imagine within yourself, you work out for it, you hope and have faith and you capture the moments all along the journey.
Sometimes, it doesn't turn out the way you want it to be. Along the beautiful life, there will be sometimes rainy day, frequent storms and the freaking flashing thunders that make you really want to stop imagine how your life photos will look like in the end. That's not the bad thing. That's what we call it as life and life work in a mysterious ways that we rarely know what it might offer.
But, that doesn't make you to stop capturing the pictures because you believe, even the moments captured will always be a defect in it, you strongly know that;
Every cloud has a silver lining and you're never wrong to believe it that way.
I'm completely strange to whoever including myself. And, I'm sick. I do hope it will last very soon, not now, not yet but sooner.
The first strange thing had happened. I brought back to Kelantan 3 copies or perhaps more of my passport photos and I was specifically put those pictures into one of my backpack pockets. I was certainly sure where I put it and accidentally I lost them all. I felt like shittin' all day long but I did realize it wont help the situation any better. So I went to KB, to my always-kedai-gambar, I'm very particular for most certain things and places so 16 new photos in my hand! DONE!
Well, you know the strange feeling does happen? I really had this strange feeling that I will lose again these 16 photos? Whenever I took a look at those pictures, I kept on telling myself to place it properly (though I already put it in a specific file).
And guess what? As expected, I LOST THEM AGAIN!
I'm thinking back to head to Kelantan to my-always-kedai-gambar! Don't ask why I'm not going to just do it here because I have no better answer. I'm just me, particular to something nonsense.
Sigh.
And the strange feeling number two. I was warded to a temporary ward at the A&E department. I did tell at my previous post regarding the haunted bed and ward and etc. I went back to Selangor the next day because I couldn't do anything but sleeping all the time let alone the throwing-away-whatever-left-in-my-stomach.
During the whole night at the temporary ward, I feel like freaking ghost was watching me! I was scared and I couldn't ever bear with the feelings so I text-ed my friends to please come in and ease my feeling. Luckily I had Aimi and Fifah beside me. They came in and I hold their hands like I wont leave it forever because I was freaking out!
I vomitted a lot even the doctor already pushed the stop-the-vomit-drug through my IV line. And everytime I suddenly woke up, I will cry like hell because I was scared of nothing and they will persuade me to close my eyes and sleep again.
I did until the next woke up and vomit and cry!
When I back home, the scary feeling of ghost does not fade away! I slept with my parents for more than three nights because I can feel the strange feeling is haunted me. My dad brought me to see this one ustaz and he helped me cope with the feeling.
He said, hospital area is normally not that safe with the makhluk halus. He works at one of the government hospitals and said that the nurses frequently complaints of the you-know-what things.
So, he said to me that I'm lemah semangat. He advised me to keep on reciting Al fatihah, Ayatul Qursi, three Quls and Surah Seribu Dinar sebagai pendinding diri everyday, every morning. Maybe, I visited the hospital frequently, I walked alone to the library for four years normally alone, and lemah semangat, the chance to be recognized by these creatures were high.
There are people not really believe this such thing but as a Muslim, jin syaitan do share this world with us. The only thing that make it different is we can't see them unless they want to do so. And the ustaz also said that, every human that born in this world, they were born together with qorin. But when the human died, the qarin does not. That can be one of the reasons why.
One day, all the laptops shrink and all the handphones getting bigger. Eventually, these both gadgets will be equally in size. When the time comes, there will be no different between you talking to a handphone, or to a laptop and err?
I watched Stanza Cinta with my daddy and mommy, nobody else here except these three. Oh. And we all watched TV while I was being forced to finish my plain water, my medications and bla bla bla. Oh, I came back with thousand of new drugsssss as the next illnesses after the previous one are my tonsils being infected, harsh voice, nearly fever, coughing yellowish sputum; sign of infection.
Just perfect!
That's not what I wanna tell.
We watched the series and one of the dialogues were;
"Kalau kita berkahwin dengan isteri solehah samalah macam kita dah lengkap separuh agama,"
"Betul ke ustaz?"
I was like eh? And straightaway look at my dad.
"Ye ke ayah?"
My dad said YES.
"Sebab, isteri solehah ni memudahkan suami untuk membuat ibadah. Redha akan suaminya, membantu bahkan memudahkan dalam segala urusan,"
p/s: Dan dan tu niat nak belajar jadi isteri solehah. Teheeee.
Antara benda yang paling aku tak gemar dengan A&E adalah kena masuk kerana sakit selain asthma!
Sebab utama adalah kena tunggu tapi Alhamdulillah, setakat ni kalau kena masuk kerana selain asthma, aku tak perlu tunggu lama sangat. It was either the patients were not too much, or my face as white as cotton wool, and bluekkkkk all the time so the triage counter will allow me to be treated earlier.
Hahahha. Sekarang bolehlah gelak gelak. Masa sakit terjelepek atas katil tak bangun bangun, harapaaannn.
Pheww. Aku rasa A&E dan aku untuk sakit selain asthma sangatlah tak serasi. Sumpah tak serasi. Sungguh tak serasi, sebab aku rasa tempat tu berhantu.
Pertama, asal masuk je, katil persinggahan aku mesti katil yang sama, cube yang sama!
Kedua, kalau kena masuk wad sementara, katil yang sama, sudut yang sama!
Ketiga, sebelah aku mesti orang kemalangan yang kalau tak patah tangan kaki, mesti tak sedar diri. Kalau tak sedar diri, macam macam bunyi aku dengar dan tu dah cukup buat mata aku meleleh ketakutan!
Keempat, yang masukkan IV line aku mesti nurse perempuan dan musibah yang sama akan berlaku setiap kali!
Okay. Bila aku ketakutan macam tu, mesti aku baca ayat ayat Quran dengan mata berair merayu rayu, dan serius aku boleh rasa akan rasa tenang perlahan lahan. Tapi, kejap je la. Huu. Lepas tu takut balik, hailah hai banyak dosa.
Kes IV line tu, aku tak salahkan nurse perempuan tu, tapi aku salahkan boleh tak tolong hati hati masa nak keluarkan jarum dekat tangan aku tsk tsk tsk!
"Adik baring situ dulu eh. Nurse ambil darah kejap lagi,"
Phewww. Doktor sungguhlah lemah lembut. No wonderlah satu pertiga dari kesembuhan seorang pesakit, datangnya dari doktor. Namun, sungguh kasihan sebab baru doktor tu nak cakap sepatah aku lari terlanggar dia cari sinki untuk bluekkkkkkkk.
"Ni parut kat tangan ni parut kena cucuk ke nyamuk?"
"Semua parut kat situ, kena jarum,"
Aku senyum.
Masuk wad pukul 12, pukul 4 pagi barulah habis 2 botol air! Gila lama. Hahhaahaha. Tangan masuk air, mulut muntahkan air. Terbaikkk! Anyway, syukurlah masa sakit ni Allah still hantar kawan kawan tolong masa mak ayah tak ada. Tsk tsk, Aimi Fifah Mika, terima kasih sungguh sungguh. Tolong lap lantai, suap makan, sukat dos ubat, kasi plastik etc etc.
Oh, awak sorang lagi tu pun terima kasihlah rajin layan jawab soalan tambah tambah berkeras suruh menapak ke A&E, jasamu ku kenang. :')
Oh, perkara berhantu nombor 4 tu adalah, bila nurse nak keluarkan jarum saat dah selesai semua, mesti dia tarik sticker yang lekatkan IV line dengan kasar. Tu lah tragedi yang mesti jadi, selalu jadi.
Kasar tu sampaikan jarum terkopak keluar (uish bahasa aku!), dan darah pun membuaklah keluar dengan suara arahan,
"Tekan dik, tekan dik!"
Kesian aku kan? Tsk tsk... Ya Allah sihatkanlah aku, dan jadikanlah ini yang terakhir...
And again,
Jatuh sakit lagi...
Wondering which job is actually suit me well.
Oo Allah... In this teary heart, I pray for You to help me in every steps I take.
In this hardship I faced, please let me to have strong heart so I'll never lose in hope.
Oo Allah..
Ooo Allah..
p/s: I slept with Alquran placed on my chest. I'm easily scared to be alone while being sick. And I found out it's very helping. :)
I faced a lot of hard moments right now. Right after not accepting the offer from Pantai, they called me back instead and promised me a suitable schedule so I can work. At first I refused, then I thought this is the best given by HIM so I decided after counting in several opinions from my close people, I accepted the offer.
Well, life works in a mysterious way. Pantai called me yesterday and being sorry for not able again to follow the schedule they told me. I was kinda okay at first, but since my parents were really happy and excited, my heart accidentally crying.
As for me, my feeling is the second. First is always them. And for them, its vise versa. I guess it is the normal feeling for children-parents thing.
Working in this kindergarten is a different challenging thing. Here, we have Sudanese, Yemenis, Nigerian, and Malaysian of course. The kids roughly two to three years old but mostly, three. All of them, the foreigner, they speak their own country language so make me a little difficult to guide and ask.
How I'm suppose to say when the breakfast and lunch is ready? How I'm suppose to ask about the poo-poo thing? (wahahahah I can't barely eat my lunch, duhh!). And, how I'm suppose to persuade them to lie down and sleep at noon?
I don't know their languages so I use English instead.
It will be tiring and exhausted day. And as the past first week, I know that raising a child is never easy, but it is interesting tough. I took only one day to memorize all of their names. I'm proud of myself because it is like forever for me to remember names. I am incredibly happy now as I know the characteristics each of them.
The time for the bed'noon' story, I need to lie beside Z and singing zikrullah while my hand non stop patting her thigh. As for H, he needs me to put his both legs on my lap when I'm sitting and I'll start my special made lullaby for him. N and Aq, they sleep easily, and will be the first to sleep and the last to wake up. The difficult to sleep I and A, I just need to give them their happy bottle and play with their hair, they'll sleep straightaway.
See. I learn a lot of things from these kids but I'm to lazy to write it here for now. It is not really interesting for certain people, but for kids-lover like me, it is everything!
Today is weekend, and I miss them already. But I have to say that most of the days, I really count the hours to reach 5 pm because all I can think at that moment is my bed and sleeping!
I bet you, you'll be just like me! HAHAAHAHHAA.
Life has been tougher lately. And still, I'm not giving up of hopes.
It happens, again. I really am wondering how this stage might end? Sometimes, I smile and cry at the same time. It wonders me a lot; get accepted. Denial. Ask to accept. Accepted. Then, being rejected.
Again.
I cried. I did cry. Then, I laughed. In a second, zaapppp, everything changed. What-a-life.
I don't know how to change diapers.
I don't know how to bath them.
I don't know how to handle five little kids at a time.
I don't know how to stop autistic children from grabbing their foods.
I don't know how to persuade them to sleep at noon.
I don't know.
I don't really know.
I got flu, headache and nearly getting fever. Hahhaha. I slept like a sleeping baby, undisturbed from midnight till morning.
BUT, I'M LEARNING.
AND I'M ENJOYING MY DAY!
AND FEELING LIKE A MOTHER WITH GIVEN BABIES!
Antara kanak kanak yang sentiasa menyentuh hati dan perasaan aku serta tidak pernah gagal untuk membuatkan aku berfikir tentang kehidupan adalah kanak kanak autistik. Autism, pada aku adalah satu penyakit misteri yang selalu buat aku terfikir masa depan mereka nanti bagaimanakah?
Baru baru, aku berada dekat dengan kanak kanak begini. Sangat dekat dan oleh kerana aku tak pernah ada kelas formal teknik mendekati diorang, maka tak banyak yang aku boleh buat melainkan sapaan dan senyuman dan bercakap.
Oh. Aku tak tahu kenapa, kalau dengan kanak-kanak, normal atau tidak, aku sangat percaya dengan perbualan hati ke hati. Mungkin bunyinya agak pelik dan lucu, tapi iya, aku selalu senyum dan bercakap dalam hati. Aku percaya kanak kanak tiada stigma jika kita benar benar ikhlas, mereka tahu.
Mereka tahu dengan tanpa alasan. Tak kisahlah kau cantik ke hodoh ke, mereka melihat hati.
Pada akulah.
---
Untuk seminggu kebelakangan ini, aku sentiasa berjumpa dengan seorang kanak kanak autistik dan tiada apa yang boleh aku lakukan melainkan berbual dari hati dan juga senyuman serta sedikit sentuhan yang dia sentiasa larikan diri.
Selang 3 hari, saat aku tengah sibuk memasang tikar, dia datang mendekati, menarik tangan aku, dan memegang erat.
Tanpa sedikit memandang muka aku, dia eratkan pegangan tangan dan meletakkan di dadanya sebelum melepaskan dan berlalu.
Jika ini kanak kanak normal, tidaklah aku ralat sangat.
Namun si kecil yang istimewa begini? Hati siapakah tidak tersentuh?
"Can you speak?" "I can speak both languages, but, ermm.. my Malay is a lot better, it's my first language, but yes, I can speak," "Tell me about you,"
I just coming back from Kelantan, and from Pantai Hospital for audiologist position. Allah knows how I really want to pursue my study rather than start working. Allah knows how determined I am. Allah knows I'd rather be a kindergarten teacher then working on this position right now. Allah knows better.
Allah knows.
"If we're going to hire you, you will start working on eleventh of July. Is that okay?" "It is. I need a week to let Prof. Din knows I'm leaving. I'm going to be a kindergarten teacher by the way," "Kindergarten?" "It's not a normal kindergarten, it's special one made for normal kids around two to four years. Prof Din's idea after the successful DKECEK. Urmm.. DKECEK, it's for the deaf kids. And this one, for the normal children," "Oh?! Wow. Do you own a car? Are you familiar with KL? Because you need to work with both hospital, Pantai Ampang and Pantai Cheras,"
I'm sad but I'm happy. I'm sad because I'll still be jobless and its how I suppose to react, right? Sad. Being sad. Not up to crying level but I should be... sad.
I'm so happy too because I just have one concrete reason to not accept the offer nicely. I have enough time to be what I love to be and I can start hoping for my dream, harder. Oh Allah, to You and only You, I rely on...
"I don't have any car yet. I'm sorry. If this is going to be one of the position's requirement, I have to say I'm sorry. I can not make it,"
Oh wow! One semester and two another bottles not in the photo. Pheww. I have enough masseter exercise everyday! In other words, I'm a chewer for 4 years and will be all the years ahead.
Bayi dan lemak sungguh awesome. Tangan berlipat tiga tetap nampak marvellous, sedap, rasa nak gigit! Ahaaa. Cuma adult lengan berlipat? Mula teringat berkilo-kilo pertambahan duduk goyang kaki kat rumah, ohhh~
Oh hello. Nama saya Batrisy. Umur 3 bulan. First time saya jumpa makcik ni walaupun saya dah lahir 3 bulan dulu. :')
When you have three siblings, nak tidur pun tak senang! Pantang kau dipegang, kakak dan abang mulalah, haaaaaip! Pegang adik aku ye? Tak tahu ke diorang aku sungguh gemar didukung, apatah lagi lena dalam dukungan! Haaaaish! SUsah betul abang kakak sungguh protective ni!
Finally! Yeay! Lullaby makcik ini sungguh umph, sampai terpeleot leher aku tertidur pun dia tak sedar dek layang keghairahan bermain abang dan kakak aku. Tak kisahlah, janji dapat tidur!
Aku berdiri di celahan ramai manusia di tengah tengah lautan manusia. Aku berdiri kaku seolah-olah aku berada di dimensi sebuah masa. Melawat sesaknya manusia, berlalu dan berjalan tanpa peduli aku.Tanpa peduli diriku.
Aku menilai manusia merebut masuk ke dalam gerabak pada satu masa. Di sini bukan tempat aku. Aku tidak reti mengejar bagaimana di sini. Aku tidak fasih atas bahasa peraturan mana di sini.
Aku hanya aku. Kaku dalam dunia perhati.
Satu tren berlalu. Tren laluan aku. Manusia berebut bagai sudah tiada keretapi lagi nanti. Berlari, bertolak, menolak, ditolak, tanpa tahu adab kau mahu masuk sila bergerak ke kiri. Itu tertib. Biar yang mahu keluar, berlalu dulu. Engkau nanti. Maka rebutan ini, buat aku memilih melepaskan pergi. Nanti pasti ada lagi.
Bukan hanya aku, beberapa kumpulan lagi ketinggalan. Dan beberapa orang bakal terkepit antara celahan pintu memaksa jasad masuk juga walau apa cara.
Barangkali perlu ada manusia terperosok di bawah tayar besi, mati, maka baru kau sedar dunia ini bukan mengejar keretapi semata?
Tren kedua, 7 minit.
Aku bangun beratur di celahan ramai. Lautan manusia buat aku mual, sesak, dan loya pada bau karbon dioksida. Aku lemas. Kutarik novel dicelahan barangan lain, mengalih pandang, mengubah fikir agar loya mual ini bisa hilang serta merta.
Aku abadikan dunia 7 minit menanti pada kisah cerita novel setebal 3cm itu. Dunia aku tenang sahaja. Dunia bising dalam rebutan manusia, aku bisukan pada cerita manusia, plotnya ada, layarnya aku reka. Aku menjadi manusia berada di depan pada barisan.
Bukan aku mahu cepat, tidak mengapa. Aku hanya tidak mahu ketinggalan kerana aku tidak reti bagaimana berebut dan aku tidak ingin itu. Satu persatu meninggal selesa mula mengatur langkah merapati barisan. Sesekali bacaan terhenti melihatkan manusia yang hadir bagai tiada sudah.
Ramai. Sungguh ramai.
"Tren ke Seremban akan tiba 3 minit lagi. Train to Seremban will be arriving in 3 minutes,"
Satu persatu menolak aku. Aku tutup kemas helaian dan aku melihat tajam. Satu menolak. Satu berebut. Satu berdiri tanpa segan.
Semua ingin cepat. Semuanya masa. Namun sama sekali pada hemah aku tidak membenarkan untuk kehilangan nilai baik manusia.
Here we go. I bought this thin book during 2005/2006 if I'm not mistaken at Pekan Buku, UM. Pekan Buku was one of the most visited places during my foundation at PASUM besides library.
And I didn't read it straightaway until 2009 where I spent my midterm break at home. I wish I read it earlier so I had enough time to find its full version but sadly, I didn't. When I finished, I wrote very little regarding this book to my blog as I want to spare the whole review if only I have the chance to buy the real one.
And I did! Yeay!
It was last week, I went back to Popular to find the book that I reserve and you know, good thing will come visit you just once, and tadaaa it will simply leave if you not grab it. So, the book was not on the shelf and I expected it to happen.
So to satisfy my feelings, I bought 3 novels instead! Bahahhahah! Hambik kau!
Adik aku beli 2 biji yang salah satunya pilihan aku dan menjadikannya 4 buku! Heaven gila hidup bila sekarang terpaksa menjadi the only child kat rumah. Nobody but me will be here started 1.30 pm till 6pm. and that is terribly bad to have only quite home accompany you.
So the books really help. Cumanya, kalau dulu tak sabar nak habiskan buku sebab novel library mana pernah habis baca tapi sekarang baca pelan pelan takut khatam buku cepat sangat. Kasihaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!
Benda yang menggembirakan hanya datang sekali dan sekali itu kau kena sambar cepat cepat or else bummm, dia hilang. And guess what? Antara 4 buku baru, salah satunya adalah ini. I found this book finally! The full version of the Anne Frank Diary! And I'm so happy walaupun tak dapat beli buku Muammar Gaddafi sebab harga dia pffft!
Mahal supo bedei! Huh! :P
Buku ini mengisahkan perihal 8 orang Jews di Netherlands ketika Perang Dunia II. 8 orang ini adalah the Franks Family and beberapa yang lain yang menyorok di bahagian atas sebuah pejabat sepanjang DUA TAHUN! Kau bayangkan dua tahun. Aku dua hari terperuk dalam bilik pun boleh lemas, inikan pula 2 tahun.
Tempat persembunyian ini mereka namakan as The Secret Annexe.
Anne received a diary during her 13th birthday (kalau aku tak silap) dan namakan diari itu sebagai Kitty (her imaginary friend). She wrote everything about her daily life, boys who were in love with her, the annoying family members of The Secret Annexe, the war, the Nazi and etc. Diorang menyorok sehinggalah ditemui oleh pihak Jerman selepas itu.
Aku tak pernah berperang apatah lagi hidup zaman perang. Kalau kau nak rasa macam mana takutnya rasa, aku sarankan kau baca buku ni sebab walau berapa kali aku pesan pada diri baca slow slow nanti habis cepat, aku tetap baca laju laju. Hahahhahah. Baca laju laju bukan nak khatam cepat, tapi nak tahu apa sudahnya walaupun tahu last sekali ending tak berapa menarik. Baca laju laju sebab setiap mukasurat (hari yang baru for each page), membawa maksud ketakutan dan harapan yang baru.
"The book speaks for itself. It gives another perspective to World War II. This is the true story of a group of people who are living in hope and fear,"Here.
Kalau kau tanya aku pasal perang perang, ampun maaf sebab aku tak tahu dan tak berapa nak tahu lagi walaupun sekarang bau bau concern tu dah makin ada. Aku baca cerita dan it leads to another story, dan World War II adalah antara dalam list bacaan aku sekarang. Kalau kau tanya aku Yahudi salah ke Nazi salah, atau Nazi kejam Yahudi lembut, sumpah aku tak tahu details tapi mengingatkan penyelidikan Nazi terhadap diorang ni, ohhhhhh. Well, the saying said;
Two wrongs never make a right, right?
Apa yang bagus dengan buku ni?
Pertama, ia berkisarkan tentang satu dunia yang kita tak pernah rasa; dunia peperangan. Aku harap aku tak akan pernah rasa kerana dengan berperang, outcome dia tak ada yang positif melainkan negatif belaka. Dengan buku ini, kau akan memanjatkan syukur kerana kau tak perlu menyorok didalam negara sendiri walaupun lambakan jenayah buat kau nak menyorok je dalam rumah.
Walaupun dunia ini kau tak pernah rasa, kau boleh rasai keperitannya dengan membaca.
Kedua; buku ini sungguh banyak kata kata yang buat kau rasa selalu nak terfikir. Contohnya, kau tengok gambar kat bawah ni. Ni gambar buku aku, aku ambil sebelum aku habis baca.
Kau nampak warna hijau antara celahan buku? Biasanya, buku buku yang aku dah baca (kecuali buku pinjam of course -.-") dan terkandung sesuatu yang menarik, quotes sebagai contoh, aku akan tandakan. Ni masa aku baca separuh dan kau boleh tengok berapa banyak quoates yang menarik dalam buku ini yang ditulis oleh seorang kanak kanak yang matang sebelum usianya. Tu baru separuh... Haih! Buat jahanam buku!
I call the quote, HOPE!
Another example.
Ketiga, cerita ini ada versi movie. Kawan aku pernah bagi link video. Oh, cerita Anne ni selain dah ditranslate into thirty languages (perhaps more), dia juga telah diterjemahkan ke dalam bentuk dokumentari/movie. Aku malas nak kobek blog aku, aku cari dalam youtube, nasib jumpa balik. Yang video kat bawah ni, part satu. Part part seterusnya kau cari sendirilah. I'm strongly advise for you to read first, then watch. Kawan aku bagi link 2, 3 tahun lepas kalau tak silap dan aku tengok dua bahagian pertama. Tapi aku stop. Sayang nak tengok dulu sebelum jumpa the full version.
Kau tahulah, once kau dah tengok video, kau punya imaginasi masa membaca secara tidak langsung dah ada limitnya.
Aku dah tengok dah cumanya English dia uihhh~ Aku rasa sepanjang malam aku tengok, pekak sekejap telinga dek disumbat insert earphone bervolume tinggi kes cuba nak dengar dengan teliti. Hehhehhee.
Keempat, minda kau terbuka dengan lebih baik untuk memahami sejarah amnya, dan World War II khususnya.
Disebabkan aku ada banyak buku tengah queue, aku akan mulakan upacara memberi bintang. Hehhehe. For this book based on storyline, kekuatan cerita, values, latar belakang, I give teng teng teng..........
