Aci?

Tak nak duduk Malaysia boleh?

Ignored

Well, time passed by. Despite feeling like escaping the bad, entering the worst.. still I'm believing in hikmah. I promised myself to not get involved in this stupid politics. I want make my life simple. Aku ada banyak impian nak capai dan impian itu tak termasuk benda benda bodoh ni.

"Cik Huda, macam macam mana pun cik kena bagi dekat saya dulu senarai nama. Tak boleh pass terus ke unit cik. Matron cakap kitorang kena ada yang asal sebelum bagi pada cik,"

Aku senyum.I still remember one day, the day that I told my lecturer that I can read people and he said I just make up stories, assuming people and of course wrong. Well, I don't mind and it doesn't make my gift any lesser.

"Kalau unit dan department lain bagi dekat dekat cik, cik kena inform kami dulu,"

Aku senyum.

"Boleh saya tanya awak satu benda?"

"Apa?"

"Awak kena marah dengan matron ye?"

Senyap. Terkejut.

"Macam mana cik tahu?"

"Semalam awak masuk unit saya senyum, intonasi lain, cara jalan lain. Hari ni, lain,"

"Saya minta maaf,"

"Bukan salah awak, bukan salah saya, bukan salah sesiapa pun. Sepatutnya kalau matron nak pastikan senarai sampai dekat unit awak sebelum unit saya, she supposed to state something pada surat saya kan? Or else, people will assume that's mine,"

"Ermm,"

"Don't worry. Kalau ada despatch hantar pada saya, I'll let you know, ok?"

"Thanks. Maaf tau. Saya balik dulu,"

Dia menjauh.

"Wan,"

"Ye?"

"Don't take it seriously. Make it simple. Bila orang marah, don't let it bothers our life. Okay?"

Senyum.

Another Line

I get annoyed pretty easily lately so I better stay away.

Saya berpuasa...

Reason

You know who will never back stabbed you?

Babies! Kids!

That's why I love them sooooo much!

Judgement

"Somebody asked me to be careful with you,"

"Really?"

"Yeah,"

"You get to know me first, only then you can judge. Whatever the result is, I don't mind,"

I don't know, I don't pretty care but still, I'm a woman after all.

Nothing

In my own space, world,

I'll start dance my fingers.

I swear.

!

I don't play shit.
If you do, remember...





You're playing with the wrong person.

The Day

"I ummm.. looking at the test result, your child can't hear. This hearing loss is severe and permanent and it's for both ears,"

Slowly cry, 

And I lost my words.

Yes

"Why do you have to pray?"

"Because.. I am Muslim,"

"Why did you have to wear that long that (telekung)?"

"Because, I need to cover my hand, my foot, my body while I'm praying,"

"Why you have to use that mat (sejadah),"

"I don't really have to, but this area isn't clean,"

"Can I see you pray?"

"Sure, but I need you to promise me one thing. Don't ask me because I can't speak to you while I pray,"

"Okay. I will wait,"

Just finished. 

"Why you keep on repeating bend down and kiss the floor?"

"It is the steps of my praying,"

"Why do you talk to your hand (doa)?"

"No. I'm not talking to my hand, that's the way how I do it when I ask god something after praying,"

"What is that?"

"I ask for the good things to happen to me, my family, my friends,"

"Do you ask to be rich?"

"Well, not really rich but enough. Enough food, enough money, enough love,"

"But I don't see god, daddy has in front of him. So where is god?"

"I don't...."

Really close to say something stupid to a clever little girl.

"I can't see HIM, but He knows and I believe HE is near, right in my heart. You know what Tash,"
"What?"

"We need to have faith,"

                                          ~5-year old little Chinese girl

Be careful for whatever you say, especially... kids. Their thinking, imagination, god knows.

Even The Skies Get Rough

" I won't give up on us..."

Time

You have to give time, sometimes. Well, in my case, the longer I wait, the harder it will be.

Time.

"Just take a leave,"

I did it.

"The appointment will be at 3. He will wait,"

"Okay,"

Time getting faster and faster that I wish I could just stop! Me heart beating so damn uncontrollable. Every single second count.

"What's your final decision?"

Take a deep breath.

"I'm sorry... I'm leaving,"

"Okay, if that's what you want plus you already met Prof. D. So, I take you already make up your mind,"

"No. They ask me to stay... it just.."

"What?"

"I'm not happy,"

He stared at me.

"I asked you and you told me everything is okay,"

"It was okay,"

"Then?"

"Sometimes... you have to lie, don't you?"

"But why?"

"Dr.,"

"Yes?"

"Can I trust you?"

"Why you can't?"

"I don't know. I'm afraid maybe. I think I can bear with it. I think it just a part of normal process to be a new person. I think I'll have the courage someday until I realize.. I just... can't,"

Silent.

"Your new place can't promise you the same thing wont happen,"

"Yes it can't, but it might not which it already happened here..."

"Just wait another 6 months, we will take the action,"

Silent.

"2 months. Just wait two months,"

"I can't. I just can't and I will probably lose the one that I have in hand,"

"You can apply for it,"

Silent.

"Dr., I will come, someday, maybe. Who knows? I don't and you don't know either,"

"Our door always open for you,"

Thank you. 

"Huda,"

"Uh-huh?"

"You still have time to change your mind,"

Smile.

"My mind is so stubborn right now,"

Alahai Kawan

Kalau hari hari gloomy datang, aku suka masuk sarang (ni bahasa adik aku bila aku ta reti reti nak keluar bilik), duduk diam diam terbaring tengah bilik sambil banyak-fikir-menyusahkan. Kadang-kadang, cuba recall benda benda sweet zaman dulu kala boleh senyum sorang sorang.

This is sooo mybestblurfriend.

"Ingat pesan aku, sampai HKL cari calon untuk aku sorang,"
"Ceh,"
"Apa ceh ceh?"
"Laaa aku dah tolong, now it's up to you to make move,"
"Ko ingat aku apa, lelaki?"

Hhahahhahaha.
Alahai Marwan.

Masalah

Kita masih muda, masih ada masa,

Janganlah kau cari gadis macam saya..

Anak kampung ku anak kampung,

Tidak padan tidak sepadan ya ya ya ya.

Catchy sungguh.

Life

To be you, yourself is the hardest yet possible thing. To please people?  

I am an ESFJ thank you.

"We hold your resign letter first. Go take your leave, think properly,"

"I've applied three days, would you approve?"

"Go ahead,"

So, Kelantan it was where my heart and life belongs.

"What do you want in your life, Huda?"

Without second thought, without hesitation I answered; being a lecturer has been my dream since day 1 I learn that someday I must be working. But most of the time, life doesn't work the way we want it to be therefore, there will always be plan A, B, C to Z (if it requires that long-lah). For me, probably it doesn't work well.

One good thing (together with thousand more), I have my lifelong teacher. The teachers that I can ask almost anything, everything. The teachers that can accept me being so childish when I easily let my tears drop down. The teachers that support me when I actually has my own stand but need somebody to tell, just go on which I will not do when people say, it is up to you, it's your life after all.

I am an ESFJ for goodness sake.

"Am I bad, Dr?"

"No. Sometimes we need to be selfish,"

"Dr.,"

"Uh-huh?"

"Can I just come back here when I need your advice?"

"My door is always open, don't worry,"

When my bestfriend's name was announced with a title Dr. in front, I feel like Allah has answered my prayer since day one I left USM. Tahniah Dr. Hadiah! And there is one person I admire the way he thinks, tahniah too!

It's worth now!

No Title

If it is true, then I meant for it and well... you're not my destiny.

Another Day

Aku suka bayi. 

Kalau kau surh aku cerita pasal bayi sepuluh juta kali pun aku sanggup. Kalau kau suruh aku attend bayi patbelasjutaratusribu kali pun aku rela. Aku tak tahulah kalau perasaan aku ni tak normal ke normal ke, yang penting aku boleh tenung baby tidur tanpa berkelip (statement over) sejam straight. Autism ke apa?

Aku tak tahulah kenapa, tapi bila tengok kaki bibir jari mata hidung yang serba kecik, aku jadi happy satu macam. Tu belum tenung diorang hisap jari sendiri, boleh mengekek tak pasal pasal. Gilo ko apo.

Jadinya, aku suka lepak nurseri. Bila nurse nak amik darah, aku akan pujuk sebab baby nangis adalah sungguh mencabar untuk sistem auditory aku proses. Hhahaha. Aku suka tukar lampin baby (daaaa?), tapi aku just tengok je lah prosedur mandi.

Hari ni, aku buat hearing test macam yang aku biasa buatlah of kos. Ada satu baby aku attend, bernafas satu macam. Aku try dukung dengar, sama. Aku wrap balik elok elok, letak elok elok takut salah letak kepala, sama. Aku perhati hidung, nampak struggle untuk bernafas. In fact, sometimes dia bernafas dengan mulut. Hmmm.

Aku keluar.

"Baby ni nafas berbunyi lah,"

"Iye? Semalam baru lepas suction,"

Nurse tengok. Kena buat suction lagi ni. Aku haruslah excited, sebab ni prosedur baru untuk aku observe. Well, memang bukan bidang aku pun tapi bila berkaitan dengan bayi, dia jadi perasaan lain macam. So aku tengok dengan tekun dari mula prepare hinggalah nak mula.

Tapi........

The moment nurse masuk wayar dalam hidung dalam anak tekak this baby, itulah saat aku berpaling jauhkan diri, menitik air mata.

Tak sanggup.

Itulah hikmah Allah bagi bayi ni memori dia hanyalah jangka masa pendek sahaja. Kalau tak, mesti baby tu benci aku sampai dia tua sebab aku just tengok tak buat apa apa and worse palingkan muka masa dia tengah terseksa disuction.

Allah, sangat adilkan?

"Crying isn't a sign of weakness. Since birth, it's been a sign that you're alive!"

p/s: Cuba kalau baby ada ingatan jangka masa panjang, orang pertama dia benci, doktor. Kedua, orang yang mengumpat mak bapak diorang masa dalam procedure room. Kekekkekeke.

Routine

Routine. 

It means to do the same work at the same time every now and then. Routine. Neither autistic nor asperger, it just again, routine. Well, I don't like routine cuz my life would be meaningless. But there are certain things that need to be routine, as for example, solah. And writing a blog, this blog has been one of  my routine activities, therefore I tried to stop for a while. I'm still alive alhamdulillah and yet, nothing missing. I'm still here, but the only different is, I hate it when I stop.

My life has been so routine. 

The moment I reach the main entrance of my working hospital, I will check my watch. If it is less than 7.30am, turn to the left to my office, if it is more than 7.30, turn to the right. But if it is nearly 7.30, I'll stop for 3 seconds to decide; to the left or to the right.

Routine.

Then, either to the left or to the right, I'll walk and humming my favorite song at that moment. Like a seasonal songs playing by entertainment radio station, and as for me, for now the song is 'Terukir Di Bintang', and before, 'Number One For Me'.

Routine.

As I walk, I'll smile to every person I meet along the way. Remembering the saying, smiling is infectious, I do it and I already see the outcome, it is good. It is super duper infectious.

Routing. Routine. Wrong spelling also one of my routine mistakes.

Then, take a lift (it is escalator or elevator? Too lazy to check), while waiting for the lift to open, I will pretend that I have a super power that I can open a door without touching it. Tingggggg! The door open, despite it is already reaching the 1st floor which means it doesn't actually open by my power, I enjoy it! Sometime I 'll giggle to myself for being stupid enough for the day, that day, and sometimes other people will smile at me while I'm still in a shock stage knowing there are other people that early, riding (?) my routine elevator. 

Routine.

---

Kekadang aku terifkir, ada ke tempat kerja yang set the brain to be super duper routine. Maksudnya, kau masuk je pintu tempat kau kerja, kau kena scan otak.

"Please put your chin properly,"

"Your brain is being scanned,"

"Scanned. Your health is fit to work today"

3 seconds.

"Dear Miss Syahidatul Huda (bukan nama sebenar), you're in a working state now. Have a nice day,"

Pupils elevated. The brain is tuned to what it supposed to do; working. I move in a programmed walking pace, not too fast or too slow, one by one. When I talk, it will be in a programmed rhythm and dialogue, of course the proper one therefore no mistakes will occur.

When it reaches 5pm, the machine will say, "You're off to go, have a nice rest and see you tomorrow,"

Well, routine.

Dilem

Between government and current. 

Haih. 

Ada spital memana nak cadang dak?

Ajaib

Daa...~

I think seeing patient make me nervous all the time.
I think I just want to be the one that I've been dreaming since form 3.
And, get married definitely have cute little creature(s).
Perfect.









Mudah.com.
Help, husband wanted.
Kekekkekeke.