Ego

Masa aku kecik kecik, bila ada biodata kena tulis atau bila cikgu kata berdiri semua, hari ni kite nak berkenalan dengan each other (crapppp! I don't like it, knowing somebody is a long journey not in a one day hello-my-name-is-blablabla). Masa tu mesti ada nama, hobi, pekerjaan ibu ayah again, bla bla bla.

Aku akan wooooo, bapak dia doktor ohhh. Fulamakkkkk, arkitek tuuu! Mak dia pegawai wehhh! Eksekutif kau tahu?! Menatang apa ekskutif pun aku tak pasti tapi wooooo kan aje. Bila cakap jurutera, takdelak aku impress. Maybe sebab dia 'juru' kat depan.

Kot.

Tapi bila dah besar ni, cop sebelum tu, aku kerja dekat hospital paling kecik kat Malaysia. Aku rasalah dan aku rasa aku betul. Bukan takat hospital paling kecik kat Malaysia, tapi maybe hospital paling kecik kat dunia. Okay jangan bandingkan dengan negara dunia ke tiga (keempat ada?).

Sebab hospital ni paling kecik, ko macam kenal each other despite aku kalau jalan kat hospital ni tak pandang orang. Tunduk tak, lengguk pun tak. Menonong. Jadinya, aku tak ingat sangat. Tapi siapa boleh lawan dengan masa? Sooner or later kau kenal jugak kalaupun tak tahu nama.

Kan?

Bila tempat paling kecik, mudah kau kenal orang. Bila mudah kenal orang, gosip banyak gak lah kannnnnnnnn. Aku pelik gak dengan kerja government. Kau kenal orang dengan 'U' lebih dari kau kenal orang dengan nama.

Hampeh.

"Awak, baju warna kelabu tu apa eh?"

"Tu U29 tu,"

Like seriously??!

 

Satu lagi yang aku agak lemah dengan pekerjaan aku ni adalah nama pekerjaan aku sendiri yang subhanalah panjanggggggg!

 

"Saya nak tanya cuti saya ada berapa lagi baki?"

"Ni untuk jawatan apa,"

 

Tarik nafas panjang.

 

"Pegawai bla bla bla bla pendengaran,"

 

Aku tak cakap la bla bla tu tapi aku humming tempat ada bla tu. Susah ohhhh! Bila jadi macam ni, aku jadi takut sebab aku takut akan ada riak dalam hati. Sebab nama jawatan ni menyebabkan orang jadi, "Eh, pegawai ke dia tu?"

 

Again, seriously?

 

Padahal aku kalau kerja tempat besar, takde maknanya orang nak pandang. Haruslah specialist lagi orang dongak tengok. Kau takat jawatan tepian jalan ni, jalan hujung hujung sudehlaaa.

 

Lama-lama aku jadi terdetik, hati ni memang payah sangat nak jaga. Sebab kalau nak buat dosa dengan diam, sape nak tau? Orang boleh tau ke kau tengah ujub riak takabbur?

 

Ni yang buat malam malam sebelum tidur, atau bila aku agak nak berangin sebab mintak hantar staff sekarang-oh-please-tengah-urgent and then jawapan aku dapat, beliau sedang on the way yang on the way nye dari tadi setengah jam!

 

Dengan jarak hospital yang sekangkang kera?

 

Oh please-lah.

 

Jadi bila aku jawab saya tak peduli nak hantar siapa yang saya tahu ada dua orang datang sekarang takkkan saya nak telefon 15 kali dengan jawapan on the way, aku sumpah takut aku dah masuk stage riak.

 

Sangat.

 

Pastu aku pujuk hati, kalau tak point benda macam ni sampai sudah rakyat jelata akan cakap, standartlaaaaa government kennnnnn~

 

Tak ke kau hangin sebab kau adalah sebahagian jugaklah secara tak langsung. Aku tak leh. Eeee... tak leh.

 

Pastu aku jadi terfikir, ego tu sama ke dengan riak?

 

 

 

Pastu aku jadi terasa, banyaknya dosa.

Henti

Orang kata hidup ni cliche. Kita tak akan diuji dengan perkara kita tidak mampu. Kita tak akan dapat apa yang kita nak, tapi apa yang kita perlu. Bila kita bersedih, Insyallah kita akan gembira, so on and so on.

 

Maybe cliche, tapi ada dalam Quran. Bila ada dalam Quran kena ambik pegang sebab Quran Hadith manual manusia. Macam kau beli Vios G, ada manual dia.

 

Senang cerita panduan. Pandu kau kiri kanan, belakang depan, atas bawah, vertical horizontal.

 

Dan kadang-kadang, tak, selalunya, aku fikir, apa orang kata cliche tu pada aku, ironi. Benda yang kau tak nak tu lah kau dapat. Benda yang memang tak pernah terlintas atau kalau terfikir sekalipun memang takkan dalam decision maker kau tu lah yang akan kau ambil at the end. Ironi.

Buka komputer, banyak benda nak tulis. Bila dah mula, tak reti dah apa nak bebel.

 

Kosong.

 

Ironi.

 

The Fear

Please tell me that it is common.

 

There's something wrong in myself when I put my foot on a paddle, my hand at steering or handbrake, that I can't explain. I think it just the fear, but, well it turned out to be panick attack. Anxiety. Less relaxed. As I read along all the info, it can be mild, less severe but, but, as it affects my life.. it does make the diagnosis different.

 

Among all the things that can make me scared like hell, this is the worst and unexplainable. This is almost untreatable for me. I just don't know why. And considering psychatric treatment probably the best option.

 Maybe. I think driving is the method of dying. Maybe. The thought of unable to control the car and hit another engine creatures in front, beside, or/and at my back is one of the never-end-reasons. No. It is the reason why.

 

Tell me that I'm not alone.

And don't laugh at me.

 

Please.

Mahu

Sungguh aku rindu,

Sungguh aku mahu.

Mohon ada peluang, 

Mohon ada ruang.

Ada waktu,

Aku ke situ.

Jumper

Lompat lompat si katak lompat,
Lompat tinggi tepi perigi,
Tutut lampu, aircond hai cepat cepat,
Sebelum Kancil habis-lah bateri.

"Malu gile camni,"

Gelak kuat-kuat tahan malu tapi nak dibantu.

"Kereta apa?"
"Kancil,"
"Auto manual?"
"Wajiblah auto,"
"Oke. Tunggu jap nanti saya jump-kan,"
"Wuhuuu. Thanks. Malu gillllllll...."

Semalam minyak, hari ni bateri.
Boleh tak lusa terus expert kebabooooo?

Oh wo

Duduk depan komputer. Duduk. Merenung. Teringat zaman muda muda dan andaikan sudah tua sekarang. Belum. Belum masa. Tapi sehari ke sehari, dua hari ke dua hari, tiga hari ke tiga hari dan seratus hari, minggu, bulan dan tahun, rambut putih kulit berkedut.

 

Awak, bila awak nak datang bawak kite pergi jauh buat sehari, dua hari, tiga hari, minggu, bulan dan tahun?

 

Tunggu bulan, jadi pungguk.

Happen

"Detik waktu terus berjalan,

Berhias gelap dan terang,

Suka dan duka tangis dan tawa,

Tergores bagai lukisan,"

She did the wrong thing,

Probably the worst,

Leave her with no choice,

Lost and hopeless,

She wants to fight,

But has no guts,

Move forward,

And fly like a bird.

 

She can,

But not alone.

 

She's not me,

I'm not her.

But she's the closest me,

And I'm want to be with her forever.

 

 

Wrong

"What's your plan?"
"I don't talk my plan with strangers. Sorry, I think you still are stranger to me despite what? 2 weeks?"
"It's okay but... seriously what is your plan?"
"You don't wanna know,"
"Hmm?"
"I wanna quit my job,"
"Hah?"
"Well, someday. Not today,"
"Seriously?"
"As I said, you don't wanna know,"

Que sera sera,
Whatever will be, will be,
The future not ours to see,
Que sera sera.

"I like to talk to you,"
"Why? People don't really like me, I'm arrogant, weirdo, I keep silent whenever I want and talk whenever I want,"
"That's why I like to talk to you,"

You're wrong,
You're wrong,
You'll not like me,
For that long.

"Well then, thank you,"

Takot!

3 honks, countless fast heart beating.
I thought that's a good thing to have nice plat number but damn it, it isn't fun!

Oh!

You Say It

Brain; small, fat, static.

 

Yet,

 

BIG FUNCTION!

 

Use it, please.

Again

Hello there!

 

Well, It has been few weeks that I stop writing. There're a lot of reasons apart from being lazy. Hahhaha. No. I lied. Actually I just have one reason which is to stop the readers from reading my post. My intention is, when they come to my blog, realize that no new posts and over time they will simply stop. I feel something bad when I went to seminars, they recognize me and can say loud my name; Huda Mustaffar. It's good, it's nice but it just doesn't sound right to my ear.

 

Like you have a lot readers eh buddy?

 

Perasantan.

 

Hahahha. A Lot of adjustment in my life nowadays and who cares? I resigned my previous job and join goverment. I get a new family members now, Hannah who like to cry in the middle of the night. Like an owl, she sleeps during the day and very active when everybody start to sleep.

 

And...... I have my new braces, AGAIN. The whole painful procedure, AGAIN. The weirdo metal in my mouth, AGAIN!

 

I'll tell you later, okay?

 

Till then, bye peeps.

Harapan

Andai bisaku mengulang,

Waktu hilang dan terbuang...

Bias

Budak gigit takpe. Orang tua gigit memang makan penampar laaaaa...!

Bias sungguh!

Aduhai

!

STOP LAUGHING AT ME!

Iklan

Korang mesti pernah tengok iklan ni kan? Iklan penuh keinsafan untuk raya tahun ni. Yep, iklan ni istimewa. Dan iklan ni double keistimewaannya untuk aku.

Mula mula tengok, aku tak excited sangat nak tau ending tapi aku tengok adakah iklan ini logik atau tidak, real atau hampeh. Well, salute sangat sebab memang real. Maksud real aku, the way the script dilakonkan was marvelous, especially the kid with the hearing aid; Ahmad. Dan the reason iklan ni menarik aku untuk bercerita dekat sini sebab the actors are the real different ability people.

Kebetulan pagi tadi aku tengok hotfm bawa masuk budak budak ni jadi tetamu diorang. Terus dari tak de mood nak kerja ni forever and ever (aku mudah boring especially benda yang aku nak buat tak dapat), adalah sikit semangat.

Kau perasan Ahmad yang pakai hearing aid tu? Kau perasan cara dia cakap agak susah nak faham kan? 

Tapi, aku faham. Mungkin sebab aku audiologis dan sebab kawan kawan aku speech therapist, makanya aku dapat gift faham apa dia cakap dan aku dapat faham perasaan budak tu. Sumpah sedih. Masa tu aku tertanya-tanya budak ni tak undergoing speech therapy ke? Terus aku terfikir, kalau aku ni speech therapist, nak je aku offer kepakaran aku.

Tiba-tiba ada sorang doktor dari Kota Kinabalu called offer for free speech therapy and apa benda ntah satu lagi dekat the other kid. Aku macam oh my....! Bagusnya doktor doktor kat Malaysia! Prihatin dan cantik dan kacak. Eh?

Somehow, aku pernah terfikir dulu bila aku agak malas dah nak explain nature kerja aku bila orang dok keep saying aku ni doktor, doktor, doktor.. aku iyekan aje. Hambek.

Orang orang kelainan upaya ni sebenarnya sama macam kita, it just the way they adapt with life different to us, and that doesn't make us any better pun anyway. So, kalau kita tak dapat tolong, jangan sisihkan. Jangan stare at them macam alien. Offer help when they need. Paling penting, treat equally sebanarnya.

Now, bila dengan iklan iklan macam ni, orang akan mula realize slowly that there is a job called audiologist, and her close friend will be speech therapist. There are specialist to offer and boost up their quality of life. There are person who can help them to listen, and teach them  to talk.  and they are...

US!

Aci?

Tak nak duduk Malaysia boleh?

Ignored

Well, time passed by. Despite feeling like escaping the bad, entering the worst.. still I'm believing in hikmah. I promised myself to not get involved in this stupid politics. I want make my life simple. Aku ada banyak impian nak capai dan impian itu tak termasuk benda benda bodoh ni.

"Cik Huda, macam macam mana pun cik kena bagi dekat saya dulu senarai nama. Tak boleh pass terus ke unit cik. Matron cakap kitorang kena ada yang asal sebelum bagi pada cik,"

Aku senyum.I still remember one day, the day that I told my lecturer that I can read people and he said I just make up stories, assuming people and of course wrong. Well, I don't mind and it doesn't make my gift any lesser.

"Kalau unit dan department lain bagi dekat dekat cik, cik kena inform kami dulu,"

Aku senyum.

"Boleh saya tanya awak satu benda?"

"Apa?"

"Awak kena marah dengan matron ye?"

Senyap. Terkejut.

"Macam mana cik tahu?"

"Semalam awak masuk unit saya senyum, intonasi lain, cara jalan lain. Hari ni, lain,"

"Saya minta maaf,"

"Bukan salah awak, bukan salah saya, bukan salah sesiapa pun. Sepatutnya kalau matron nak pastikan senarai sampai dekat unit awak sebelum unit saya, she supposed to state something pada surat saya kan? Or else, people will assume that's mine,"

"Ermm,"

"Don't worry. Kalau ada despatch hantar pada saya, I'll let you know, ok?"

"Thanks. Maaf tau. Saya balik dulu,"

Dia menjauh.

"Wan,"

"Ye?"

"Don't take it seriously. Make it simple. Bila orang marah, don't let it bothers our life. Okay?"

Senyum.

Another Line

I get annoyed pretty easily lately so I better stay away.

Saya berpuasa...

Reason

You know who will never back stabbed you?

Babies! Kids!

That's why I love them sooooo much!

Judgement

"Somebody asked me to be careful with you,"

"Really?"

"Yeah,"

"You get to know me first, only then you can judge. Whatever the result is, I don't mind,"

I don't know, I don't pretty care but still, I'm a woman after all.

Nothing

In my own space, world,

I'll start dance my fingers.

I swear.

!

I don't play shit.
If you do, remember...





You're playing with the wrong person.

The Day

"I ummm.. looking at the test result, your child can't hear. This hearing loss is severe and permanent and it's for both ears,"

Slowly cry, 

And I lost my words.

Yes

"Why do you have to pray?"

"Because.. I am Muslim,"

"Why did you have to wear that long that (telekung)?"

"Because, I need to cover my hand, my foot, my body while I'm praying,"

"Why you have to use that mat (sejadah),"

"I don't really have to, but this area isn't clean,"

"Can I see you pray?"

"Sure, but I need you to promise me one thing. Don't ask me because I can't speak to you while I pray,"

"Okay. I will wait,"

Just finished. 

"Why you keep on repeating bend down and kiss the floor?"

"It is the steps of my praying,"

"Why do you talk to your hand (doa)?"

"No. I'm not talking to my hand, that's the way how I do it when I ask god something after praying,"

"What is that?"

"I ask for the good things to happen to me, my family, my friends,"

"Do you ask to be rich?"

"Well, not really rich but enough. Enough food, enough money, enough love,"

"But I don't see god, daddy has in front of him. So where is god?"

"I don't...."

Really close to say something stupid to a clever little girl.

"I can't see HIM, but He knows and I believe HE is near, right in my heart. You know what Tash,"
"What?"

"We need to have faith,"

                                          ~5-year old little Chinese girl

Be careful for whatever you say, especially... kids. Their thinking, imagination, god knows.

Even The Skies Get Rough

" I won't give up on us..."

Time

You have to give time, sometimes. Well, in my case, the longer I wait, the harder it will be.

Time.

"Just take a leave,"

I did it.

"The appointment will be at 3. He will wait,"

"Okay,"

Time getting faster and faster that I wish I could just stop! Me heart beating so damn uncontrollable. Every single second count.

"What's your final decision?"

Take a deep breath.

"I'm sorry... I'm leaving,"

"Okay, if that's what you want plus you already met Prof. D. So, I take you already make up your mind,"

"No. They ask me to stay... it just.."

"What?"

"I'm not happy,"

He stared at me.

"I asked you and you told me everything is okay,"

"It was okay,"

"Then?"

"Sometimes... you have to lie, don't you?"

"But why?"

"Dr.,"

"Yes?"

"Can I trust you?"

"Why you can't?"

"I don't know. I'm afraid maybe. I think I can bear with it. I think it just a part of normal process to be a new person. I think I'll have the courage someday until I realize.. I just... can't,"

Silent.

"Your new place can't promise you the same thing wont happen,"

"Yes it can't, but it might not which it already happened here..."

"Just wait another 6 months, we will take the action,"

Silent.

"2 months. Just wait two months,"

"I can't. I just can't and I will probably lose the one that I have in hand,"

"You can apply for it,"

Silent.

"Dr., I will come, someday, maybe. Who knows? I don't and you don't know either,"

"Our door always open for you,"

Thank you. 

"Huda,"

"Uh-huh?"

"You still have time to change your mind,"

Smile.

"My mind is so stubborn right now,"

Alahai Kawan

Kalau hari hari gloomy datang, aku suka masuk sarang (ni bahasa adik aku bila aku ta reti reti nak keluar bilik), duduk diam diam terbaring tengah bilik sambil banyak-fikir-menyusahkan. Kadang-kadang, cuba recall benda benda sweet zaman dulu kala boleh senyum sorang sorang.

This is sooo mybestblurfriend.

"Ingat pesan aku, sampai HKL cari calon untuk aku sorang,"
"Ceh,"
"Apa ceh ceh?"
"Laaa aku dah tolong, now it's up to you to make move,"
"Ko ingat aku apa, lelaki?"

Hhahahhahaha.
Alahai Marwan.

Masalah

Kita masih muda, masih ada masa,

Janganlah kau cari gadis macam saya..

Anak kampung ku anak kampung,

Tidak padan tidak sepadan ya ya ya ya.

Catchy sungguh.

Life

To be you, yourself is the hardest yet possible thing. To please people?  

I am an ESFJ thank you.

"We hold your resign letter first. Go take your leave, think properly,"

"I've applied three days, would you approve?"

"Go ahead,"

So, Kelantan it was where my heart and life belongs.

"What do you want in your life, Huda?"

Without second thought, without hesitation I answered; being a lecturer has been my dream since day 1 I learn that someday I must be working. But most of the time, life doesn't work the way we want it to be therefore, there will always be plan A, B, C to Z (if it requires that long-lah). For me, probably it doesn't work well.

One good thing (together with thousand more), I have my lifelong teacher. The teachers that I can ask almost anything, everything. The teachers that can accept me being so childish when I easily let my tears drop down. The teachers that support me when I actually has my own stand but need somebody to tell, just go on which I will not do when people say, it is up to you, it's your life after all.

I am an ESFJ for goodness sake.

"Am I bad, Dr?"

"No. Sometimes we need to be selfish,"

"Dr.,"

"Uh-huh?"

"Can I just come back here when I need your advice?"

"My door is always open, don't worry,"

When my bestfriend's name was announced with a title Dr. in front, I feel like Allah has answered my prayer since day one I left USM. Tahniah Dr. Hadiah! And there is one person I admire the way he thinks, tahniah too!

It's worth now!

No Title

If it is true, then I meant for it and well... you're not my destiny.

Another Day

Aku suka bayi. 

Kalau kau surh aku cerita pasal bayi sepuluh juta kali pun aku sanggup. Kalau kau suruh aku attend bayi patbelasjutaratusribu kali pun aku rela. Aku tak tahulah kalau perasaan aku ni tak normal ke normal ke, yang penting aku boleh tenung baby tidur tanpa berkelip (statement over) sejam straight. Autism ke apa?

Aku tak tahulah kenapa, tapi bila tengok kaki bibir jari mata hidung yang serba kecik, aku jadi happy satu macam. Tu belum tenung diorang hisap jari sendiri, boleh mengekek tak pasal pasal. Gilo ko apo.

Jadinya, aku suka lepak nurseri. Bila nurse nak amik darah, aku akan pujuk sebab baby nangis adalah sungguh mencabar untuk sistem auditory aku proses. Hhahaha. Aku suka tukar lampin baby (daaaa?), tapi aku just tengok je lah prosedur mandi.

Hari ni, aku buat hearing test macam yang aku biasa buatlah of kos. Ada satu baby aku attend, bernafas satu macam. Aku try dukung dengar, sama. Aku wrap balik elok elok, letak elok elok takut salah letak kepala, sama. Aku perhati hidung, nampak struggle untuk bernafas. In fact, sometimes dia bernafas dengan mulut. Hmmm.

Aku keluar.

"Baby ni nafas berbunyi lah,"

"Iye? Semalam baru lepas suction,"

Nurse tengok. Kena buat suction lagi ni. Aku haruslah excited, sebab ni prosedur baru untuk aku observe. Well, memang bukan bidang aku pun tapi bila berkaitan dengan bayi, dia jadi perasaan lain macam. So aku tengok dengan tekun dari mula prepare hinggalah nak mula.

Tapi........

The moment nurse masuk wayar dalam hidung dalam anak tekak this baby, itulah saat aku berpaling jauhkan diri, menitik air mata.

Tak sanggup.

Itulah hikmah Allah bagi bayi ni memori dia hanyalah jangka masa pendek sahaja. Kalau tak, mesti baby tu benci aku sampai dia tua sebab aku just tengok tak buat apa apa and worse palingkan muka masa dia tengah terseksa disuction.

Allah, sangat adilkan?

"Crying isn't a sign of weakness. Since birth, it's been a sign that you're alive!"

p/s: Cuba kalau baby ada ingatan jangka masa panjang, orang pertama dia benci, doktor. Kedua, orang yang mengumpat mak bapak diorang masa dalam procedure room. Kekekkekeke.

Routine

Routine. 

It means to do the same work at the same time every now and then. Routine. Neither autistic nor asperger, it just again, routine. Well, I don't like routine cuz my life would be meaningless. But there are certain things that need to be routine, as for example, solah. And writing a blog, this blog has been one of  my routine activities, therefore I tried to stop for a while. I'm still alive alhamdulillah and yet, nothing missing. I'm still here, but the only different is, I hate it when I stop.

My life has been so routine. 

The moment I reach the main entrance of my working hospital, I will check my watch. If it is less than 7.30am, turn to the left to my office, if it is more than 7.30, turn to the right. But if it is nearly 7.30, I'll stop for 3 seconds to decide; to the left or to the right.

Routine.

Then, either to the left or to the right, I'll walk and humming my favorite song at that moment. Like a seasonal songs playing by entertainment radio station, and as for me, for now the song is 'Terukir Di Bintang', and before, 'Number One For Me'.

Routine.

As I walk, I'll smile to every person I meet along the way. Remembering the saying, smiling is infectious, I do it and I already see the outcome, it is good. It is super duper infectious.

Routing. Routine. Wrong spelling also one of my routine mistakes.

Then, take a lift (it is escalator or elevator? Too lazy to check), while waiting for the lift to open, I will pretend that I have a super power that I can open a door without touching it. Tingggggg! The door open, despite it is already reaching the 1st floor which means it doesn't actually open by my power, I enjoy it! Sometime I 'll giggle to myself for being stupid enough for the day, that day, and sometimes other people will smile at me while I'm still in a shock stage knowing there are other people that early, riding (?) my routine elevator. 

Routine.

---

Kekadang aku terifkir, ada ke tempat kerja yang set the brain to be super duper routine. Maksudnya, kau masuk je pintu tempat kau kerja, kau kena scan otak.

"Please put your chin properly,"

"Your brain is being scanned,"

"Scanned. Your health is fit to work today"

3 seconds.

"Dear Miss Syahidatul Huda (bukan nama sebenar), you're in a working state now. Have a nice day,"

Pupils elevated. The brain is tuned to what it supposed to do; working. I move in a programmed walking pace, not too fast or too slow, one by one. When I talk, it will be in a programmed rhythm and dialogue, of course the proper one therefore no mistakes will occur.

When it reaches 5pm, the machine will say, "You're off to go, have a nice rest and see you tomorrow,"

Well, routine.

Dilem

Between government and current. 

Haih. 

Ada spital memana nak cadang dak?

Ajaib

Daa...~

I think seeing patient make me nervous all the time.
I think I just want to be the one that I've been dreaming since form 3.
And, get married definitely have cute little creature(s).
Perfect.









Mudah.com.
Help, husband wanted.
Kekekkekeke.

Ini Cerita Ayah Aku

Banyak orang susah, banyak orang lapar, banyak orang perlukan bantuan. Tapi, banyak jugak orang menipu dengan menggunakan tiga ciri pertama aku tulis. Sanggup palsukan sukar, demi dosa, demi mudah tanpa usaha.

Setelah beberapa kali ayah jumpa manusia guna alasan tiga yang pertama untuk tutup niat busuk kedua, maka ayah lebih berhati-hati.

Setiap kali terjumpa orang yang minta sedekah, ayah aku tanya nak makan tak? Kalau nak makan, ayah aku bawak tapi kalau nak duit, minta maaf. Kau tahu tak, kalau betul betul orang tu susah kelaparan, dia akan nak makan dan dia akan pilih makan.

Petang semalam, ayah aku jumpa sorang lagi tengah jalan.

"Tolong incik, saya lapar,"

"Nak makan? Kalau nak makan, saya boleh bawak tapi nak duit, saya tak bagi,"

"Betul incik, mahu makan,"

"Naiklah,"

"Tapi incik, saya tak pakai kasut. Nanti kotor kereta,"

Aku yang dengar ayah aku cerita, terus sebak. Nak nangis memang tak lah. Jatuh saham hati batu aku. Huuuu. Susah kan jadi orang susah? Sebab tu Islam suruh berusaha, supaya tak susah jauh sekali di hina. Tapi bila senang, jangan lupa daratan. Tuhan nak balas, tak payah tunggu minggu depan.

"Naik. Tak apa. Roti canai boleh?"

"Boleh incik. Boleh. Nak dua boleh incik, lapar,"

I was like, ohhh atas bumi Malaysia bertuah makan melimpah boleh buang buang, ada lagi orang menagih. Kena simpan rasa syukur banyak banyak. 

"Boleh,"

Ayah aku cerita, lepas bagi roti canai dan air, orang tu terima kasih sungguh sungguh siap nak sembah kaki (orang ni India), aku terus pandang tempat lain. Jauhkanlah aku dan keluarga aku dari sukar dunia sebegitu rupa.

Pesanan Besar: Orang jahat ramai sangat. Orang jahat berlakon baik lagi ramaaaaaaai. Tapi kalau niat mulia, Insyallah Allah selamatkan. Ikhlas dan istighfar.

Tak Sia Sia Aku Buang Masa

Huisho. MC pertama aku ambik sepanjang bekerja. Sungguh menjatuhkan kredibiliti! Lama-lama aku makin rasa aku ni dah near workaholic. Hari Ahad ingat kerja, nak tidur teringat kerja, MC pun ingat kerja?

Parah.

Dulu-dulu, tak, dulu dan sekarang aku suka gila tengok cerita berasaskan medikal. Grey's Antomy, House, Team Medical Dragon, Code Blue dan sebagainya. Rela hadiahkan diri kalau siap esaimen boleh pulun tengok movie straight. Apa punya reward untuk diri pun tak tau. Orang bawaklah diri belanja makan ke hape, ni tadah mata tengok movie.

Pulak tu menyeksa. Satu tangan kamus bahasa, belah kiri ada Dorlands. Sungguh dedikasi hokay.

Hospital tempat aku kerja ni mewajibkan semua pekerja ada lesen Basic Life Support (BLS) dan kena revew every two years. Sebabkan aku perkerja baru haruslah aku dihantar untuk training ni. At first aku gila excited sebab yeay pernah tengok grey's tak sabar nak belajar pulak! Yeay.

Tapi langit cerah tidah sampai ke petang, rupanya hujan ditengah hari. Ececececeh. Dan dan tu that week, tekak tak selesa. AKu dah boleh agak dah bila jadi macam ni, tak lama lagi datanglah perangai lama paru paru aku tuh.

Sampailah hari ditunggu tunggu, gila enjoy okay kelas tambah tambah doktor cute, terus mencanak naik semangat nak belajar. Asal doktor cerita kejadian medikal, otak aku merewang slot slot dalam drama Grey's Anatomy, tu yang jadi orang dah berhenti gelak aku tak abes lagi sampai doktor pandang tajam, awak kenapa yang lucu sangat?

Kan dah malu. Hahhahaha.

Sampai lah masa praktikal. Ada 4 stesen, dan stesen pertama stesen airway dengan doktor cute. Ololololo. Haruslah aku pilih nak jadi terakhir sebab semua peserta adalah nurses, aku je tergodek godek clinical staff yang bukan nurse. Haruslah tercengang-cengang. Dan dan tu berharap, kawen ngan nurse boleh? Nanti senang hidup nak belajar. Eppp!

Mula mula masuk stesen, berpinar kepala, menatang apa semua ni. Tengok nurse lain buat sambil cuba hafal satu satu. Apa ingat senang?

"Dari department mana?"

"Allied health, audiologist,"

"Lama tak sentuh eh?"

"Tak pernah sentuh pun doktor,"

Mujur doktor cute lagi baik hati bagi attention lebey. Dan dan tu berdoa tolonglah esok aku stesen dengan doktor ni. Tolonglah.

Masuk stesen kedua, CPR; Cardiopulmonary Resucitation. Tercengang kali kedua dapat pulak clinical inctructor sikit punya garang.

"Department mana?"

"Allied health,"

"Hmmm. Sila buat,"

Dan dan tu,

"Bukan macam ni!"

"Head lift and chin tilt,"

"Angkat, chest tak rise pun!"

"Perform jaw thrust skang,"

"I hope you pass tomorrow,"

Aik? Belum exam dah niat nak failkan aku?

Pengsan! Hahhahahhaa. Berdoa pulak, tolonglah jangan dapat examiner ni esok oh please. Dan tolonglah jangan CPR dulu, sebab aku dah start wheezing. Yeay!

Infant CPR nasib perform. Nampak naaa sayang baby lebih. Last stesen, Emergency trolley? Seriously. Oh mana aku nak tahu atropine adrenaline, sekalian drips, intubation punya benda, cannula tak cannula, entah apa tube, ambu bag, ryles tube? Pengsan kali kedua.

"Department?"

"Allied health,"

"Mesti tak biasa kan?"

Haruslah.

Aku duduk bersila lukis satu satu mana letak medication, sekalian jenis mask, tube, lukis okay. Lukis! Malam tu tidur dengan nota macam nak exam zaman sekolah. Bangun pukul 4 pagi study.

Sampailah hari dinanti.

Duk mintak jangan CPR dulu, tapi itulah yang dapat. Lain kali jangan duk mintak sangat. Lemah longlai aku masuk stesen.

You may begin now.

"I'm safe, patient safe, and the area safe from danger,"

Second step.

"Sir sir, are you okay?"

No reply, no breathing.

"Cop!"

Aku yang dapat cardiac arrest dan dan tu.

"Macam mana awak tau tak bernafas?"

"Errr, puan cakap,"

"Macam mana awak cek?"

"Dada dia,"

"Macam ni?

"Macam ni lah,"

"Betul macam ni?

"Macam mana lagi?"

Sumpah aku tak tau mana salah aku. Tak tahan tu menjawab lak aku. -.-"

"Tak payah buka baju?"

Gelak besar besar dalam hati. Pang sebiji atas dahi. Apa ke bengap aku boleh lupa.

"Double three double three, this is Huda, audiologist from 3B, calling for code blue, adult. Repeat, code blue adult,"

"I starting CPR now,"

"One two three........ first cycle,"

"Attaching the defib. Clear!"

Hahahaha. Patutnya kena dua minit sebelum another clear, tapi aku dah semput. Semput okay. Semput sebab kena marah, terkejut, berdebar, semua ada. Patient aku memang mati dahlah kalau macam ni, chest tak naik naik. Sakit hati aku sampai menyumpah bodoh punya patung! Hahhahahha. Ingat semput makin okay rupanya!

"Awak okay?"

"Okay,"

Tadi marah sangat. Dah aku biru nak kejung, baik pula. Kan bagus kalau baik dari tadi.

"Tarik nafas. Stop CPR. Take a deep breath, slow down,"

Hmm. Tak de mood dah aku nak exam. Malu.

Next peads. Nasib okay despite the coughing and wheezing. Next airway stesen; dan bukan doktor cute lagi. Pengsan entah kali keberapa.

"Okay, show me how to handle this patient,"

"I'm going to check the airway, suction and prepare for the ETT tube,"

"What's ETT tube?"

Dangggg!

Aku hapal ETT tube je. ET aku tau apa, eustachean tube kekkekekkee.

"Errrr...,"

"Endo?"

"Tracheal... kut (slow je nih),"

"Yes, now this patient got 60 percent oxygen, show me how to handle,"

"Well, ermm I'm going to change to the high flow mask that with the ambu bag (sumpah tak tahu apa nama lain dia), that can provide up to hundred percent oxygen from 10 to 15 ml,"

"Good,"

"Show me,"

Phewww.

"Now, for semiconcious patient, which tube would you choose,"

"Nasal.... something (slow lagi sebab tak ingat), to prevent gag reflex,"

"Which one,"

Danggg! Haru. Main tengok asal logik, "I think this one,"

"Good,"

Phewww.

"Okay thanks Huda,"

I was like thanks to Grey's Anatomy! Aku boleh jawab sebab aku recall slot dalam cerita tu hokay! And guess what? Guess what?

I passed!

With full mark at airway station and infant CPR! And nearly best for written exam! Yeay! Got the licence now! Heee. Tahniah untuk aku, dah boleh assist doktor cute dah lepas ni. Kekkeekke.

p/s: Pastikan orang kacak je eh cardiac arrest, baru ada mood nak buat CPR. Bahhahaa. Taklah, janganlah. Lagikan buat kat patung dah asthma MC bagai. Orang sebenar entahlah. -.-"

Come Again

16 Mei.

Teringat 16 Mei tahun lepas, tahun lepas dan selepasnya. Setiap kali hari yang sama kembali, akan ada beberapa nama yang setia tanpa gagal aku kenangi. Iya. Aku budak nakal subhanallah, menyorok dalam loker, terperap dalam tandas, kena rotan, kena piat segala kena.

Entah.

16 Mei yang berlalu tanpa ada istimewa.

Hinggalah melayari alam pengajian tinggi. Tuhan duga sakit. Tuhan duga cedera. Tuhan duga fizikal, mental, sabar dan tawakkal. Dari situ satu demi satu nama melekat. Satu demi satu. Penuh senyum setiap kali terpacul atau terpandang akan satu nama mewah akhlak.

Maka bermula dari situ, setiap 16 Mei yang berlalu, yang melewati dan bakal menjengah, belum mampu aku lupa. 16 Mei yang itu. 16 Mei yang ini. 

Tarik telefon, taip satu persatu ayat dari hati, terima kasih atas budi. Terima kasih pada ilmu, terima kasih sabar denganku. Terima kasih, mohon terima aku hingga keakhir waktu.

Engkau guru sepenuh kehidupanku.

Contoh dunia tolongku.

Pentunjuk dunia sukarku.

Terima kasih.

SELAMAT HARI GURU!

What To Say Eh?

"Hmmm... Why do you think hearing is important?"

"As said by Helen Keller, when you lost your sight, you lost interaction with things. But when it's hearing, you lost interaction with human. To live this life fullest, we need each other. But, I'd rather not losing any of them, sir,"

"Why did you choose to come for this interview when you already working at the nice place now?"

"Life is the matter of choices. Life is the matter of choosing which one suits you best, sir,"

"Working at the government sector is easy, you clock in 8 you go back home at 5, everyday,"

"Well, if you ask me, it depends on how you think it and I think differently. There're a lot of patients queuing and it is up to you on how to manage it. There is no easy way to be easy regardless where you work. It just you yourself, to challenge you yourself, and to make every single day better for you yourself. I'd rather take it that way, to challenge myself, to be better,"

"Okay, thanks Ms. Huda for coming today,"


"Thanks again for giving me this opportunity, sir,"

"Are you married?"

"Nope. Not yet. Someday, maybe,"

"Well, it's easy to place you then, maybe you can find you Mr. Right there,"

"Insyallah. Hahahahaha,"

Hhahahaha. Make it that hospital then. :P

Oh Please, Jangan Depan Aku!

Lama tak hadap buku, tak ada perasaan nak exam, now maybe akan ada satu. Paling dekat. BLS training, Basic Life Support Training. Alaa, yang bagi CPR atau bantuan pernafasan, bla bla bla masa dalam keadaan genting tu.

Haaa. Yang tu. Yang tu le.

So kelas aku dan exam next week, sebabkan terlalu rindukan perkataan exam, terus study semalam. Ececeh. Lepas dapat handout, dan dan tu study. Tekun seyh. Setekun nya. Lagi tekun bila part how to handle choking baby. Baca dengan teliti. Ingat satu satu bagaikan mengeja. Eh, bias betul membaca.

Makanya, pagi tadi masa cek baby, ada satu baby dalam tangan aku nampak berbeza dari baby biasa. Terima kasihlah pada rutin tengok baby setiap hari. Sebabkan rutin ni aku rajin tengok nurse handle baby, bagi susu, burp kan baby, nak letak baby under photolight, macam mana nurse bagi BCG, ambik darah, dan aku dah expert okay pakaikan baby pampers, wrapkan baby, dukung dan sebagainya oh-angkat-bakul-nampak?

Kekekkee.

Bila teliti betul-betul, oh no are you gonna choke now, sweetheart? Oh please, not in my hand. Not now. No. Terus teringat kata-kata nurse yang baby ni dia punya secretion banyak lagi kes duduk dalam perut mak. So tendency nak mengeluarkan secretion adalah sangat tinggi, that's why kena letakkan baby dalam posisi mengiring.

Oh please not now. Not in my hand. I know I've studied but oh please, I don't want to practice just yet. No.

Yep, memang baby near to choke that time and Alhamdulillah aku tak panik and terus teringat nota-nota yang diulangkaji semalam. Ececece. Tipulah kalau aku tak nervous, gila cuak hokay mata terus cari nurse terdekat untuk dipanggil, but in the meantime cepat tangan aku terbalikkan baby letak dada atas tangan kiri dan tangan kanan menepuk.

Satu. Dua. Tiga. Empat.

Bluekkkkkk.

Tepuk lagi. Satu. Dua. Tiga. Empat. Lima.

Blueeeekkkkkk.

Clear secretion plus blood colour stain (maybe memang blood pun) sekali.

One more round. Satu. Dua. Tiga. Empat.

Bluekkkkkk.

Uwaaaaaaaaa! Uwaaaa! Uwaaaaa!

Turn pink back.

Oh!

"Nurse, baby choking, but now I think dah okay,"

"Yep, you do it right,"

Phewww!

Nasib study.

It is good to have nursery where I can go when I am so freaking stress, but I think it will double the joy if I have my own sweetheart.

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY, MOM.

Happy Mother's Day to me too for this day at the later date, someday.

Once. Twice.

No more.

I always like people. Really. Seriously. Yes. Soooooo easy peasy. Therefore there will never be serious one. Well, I don't want one until lafaz sakinah is made for me.

But I had this one in my life that really give me the deepest cut right in my heart. Despite the pain, I thanked HIM for this so-called bad feeling as now I know how to pray to be better, to get better. Nearly ten years is not a short time to erase all the memories, no, not yet.

Not now and maybe never.

Deleting will be difficult, but to live with it is much easier.

It's good to choose the second one and it is lot better as we will never see each other and I've been praying so hard to not meeting each other; by accident or on purpose.

No. Not yet. Not now and perhaps  never.

But sometime it just happen despite how much we try not to. Another type of learning. Maybe.

"Assalamualaikum. Can come in?"

"Sure,"

"I'm Huda, the audiologist. I just come to explain the test result,"

 Looking at the face. Really familiar. Seriously familiar. Looking to the other person, and the other, one by one. I know these persons. I know them. 

"Umm, your face really looks familiar. Are you Adam's mom?"

"Yes...,"

"Oh. Umm.. I'm his friend. We were friends, long time ago,"

And mind started to play like a recording movie, the flashbacks. All were nice, but no more. Not now. Never.

"He is studying at Madinah,"

"Oh really? Good for him!"

(I know)

"We'll visit him next week,"

"Send my regards to him then,"

"He will come back early June,"

"Ohhh..."

(I know)

"Ahaaa.. this is my grandson, Akhil,"

"Nice name young boy,"

(I know)

"It's good right, studying there? You can visit Mecca anytime,"

"Yep, he's done doing hajj,"

"Really? Good for him!"

(I know)

And I know, I know, I know a lot of things that I pretend I don't know. It's difficult though.

There is someone. It just that, not now. Not yet.

Bzzz...!

"We're going to balai polis,"
"Why?"
"Your uncle, accident,"

It was 12 midnight. It was Hospital Kuala Lumpur. It was crowded there.

"Are you okay?"
"My chest... pain, very pain,"

Everybody walked fast. It was like silent movie buat actively move. It was fear. May be just fear, but obviously affected the whole body system; heart beating faster, holding breath, mind whirling to nowhere expecting the worst ever.

Only if there were internet somewhere, nearby.

"Are you busy?"

First person.

One minute took forever, hoping the phone to vibrate. Nothing.

Enough.

"Are you busy?"

Second person.


"Are you busy?"

Third person.

"Are you busy?"

And the list went on and on.

Luckily there always somebody who know of why and know on how. Even if the body is not there, here, but to have some info at the very critical time... was privilege.

Bzzzz. Bzzz.


"Are you okay?"

Bzzzz. Bzzzz.

"Must be something bad, eh?"

Bzzzz. Bzzzz.

"Nope, anything I can help?"

Bzzz. Bzzz.

"Why?"

And phone started to buzz repeatedly.
Steady. There're help. There always are.

"Sorry to disturb very late. What are the sign of broken chest or perhaps broken ribs,"

Another forever time taken.

"Are you okay? Is that difficult to breath? How was the pain? The scale maybe?"
"It is... bad,"

Bzzz. Bzzz.

"The sign is bla bla... bla..,"

Bzzz. Bzzzz.

"Why. While breathing there must be bla bla bla...."

Bzzz.. Bzzz

"How was the impact? If too bad it must be bla bla bla...,"

Bzzz. Bzzzz.

"Why?"

Silent. Is there any other nice words to hide the feeling now? When the question has been answered there is no need to spread any further, to increase the sadness and to add on another unnecessary pain.

"Nothing. Just plain bored,"

Breath in.. and out!

Smiling Is Infectious 

Author Unknown 

Smiling is infectious, 

you catch it like the flu, 

When someone smiled at me today, 

I started smiling too.

I passed around the corner 

and someone saw my grin. 

When he smiled I realized 

I'd passed it on to him. 

 I thought about that smile,

then I realized its worth. 

A single smile, just like mine 

could travel round the earth. 

 So, if you feel a smile begin, 

don't leave it undetected. 

Let's start an epidemic quick, 

and get the world infected!

---

I made a mistake. A mistake. A mistake. 

It affected me the whole day. The whole day. The whole day. 

I've tried to forget, and I failed and I stressed. 

I put all the effort so I wont waste, the time precious time, that I had. 

Please make it be 'past tense' in the shortime, please, Ooo Allah.

 Da di du dada di duu.

Yesterday was bad (I would use present continuous tense if 'yesterday' could go with it, only if). I thought it was so ridiculous to make mistake, this mistake. Mind is so complicated, so hard to forget, to make it easy, to let it be.

Human make mistakes, don't they?

You are human, I am human, we're human; we do mistakes so we learn. It's very rare to learn without making mistake, we still can but learning through mistakes make us better, it sealed still so we won't forget, (or else, stupidity takes place for repeating it twice), and.. learning through experience is like you draw without an eraser.

Argh! Only if my mind has a button function to reset, if not 'delete'.

Is it good to forget? 

I think face it make sense (but it is hard).