This Decision Is Final

This is one of the toughest decisions I have to make. I guess so. It took two weeks until I really realize that I need help. I really need that. I was long time ago, about to be referred too but I asked for two weeks to manage by myself first, and I did it.

But now...

***

This was the second time I have informal yet important conversation with my friend, Syafiq. He is in his psychiatry posting right now. Actually, I was accidentally met him with few of his group members. They were discussing and I said hi and asked what they did; as the purpose of being nice. 

As one of his friends (I don't know her name) said psychiatry, I took a deep breath and sat down.

"It is okay if I ask you few things?"

"Sure,"

"I need help and I guess psychiatrist is the right person. I have, I would say, it's a very serious panic attack,"

She was looking at me straightaway and I didn't know if I were too sensitive or she really did but yeah, my heart at some point said, that wasn't weird to get that such glances with this kind of problem.

"I failed exam twice and no other reasons suit well for accusing my failure but this disorder,"

Then she started with history taking and suggested me to get an appointment for further help. I just smiled and started to count how long did this problem has occurred; put aside the post traumatic event. It's not yet reaching 2 weeks.

I hope that this will subside in a few days.

Well, bad situation does happen, doesn't it? It is never get better in any situations right now. I've searched all about the anxiety disorder, stress, panic attack. Sadly said, all those can lead to further problem; depression. I've tried all possible remedies (read; strategies) suggested so I can stop that from worsening. But, it just slowly lead to depression.

Out of eight symptoms Syafiq gave me, I got six positives. Sleep disturbances, irritable, feeling guilty,  decreasing energy, reduce concentration and loss appetite. Well, I already realized that. Oh, did I forget to tell you I've tried few tests offered by internet just to make sure that I'm OKAY?

It's hard to persuade my heart when I can sense that my clinician is no longer trust my ability straightaway after my failure. It was difficult to keep myself on track whenever I lost in the middle of the session. It's tearing my heart into pieces when I made a very small mistake and yet my friend nagged on me on the spot.

As a result, my heart get broken easily day by day before it can fix the pieces.

No. I'm not whining. I'm even still considering to private my blog thus no one will misunderstand my purposes of writing.  I am at this moment is no longer I am., therefore saying something that burdens me might help having back the old me.

While finishing my patient's report, my senior suddenly knocked on the door. We had a  nice conversation and I couldn't remember how I jumped into this issue.

"Abang Izat, do you think I need that?"

"If your condition need that, why not?"

"I need help, and I know this is it,"

"Then go,"

"There're medical students in there. I don't want them to meet me, in psychi clinic especially,"

"Ignore them, Huda,"

"I can't,"

"And you want to fail next try just because you're ashamed with those students?"

"No,"

"Then, move on. Try anything possible so you won't regret later. Don't give up. There're always the doctors who are willing to help you,"

I think a lot today. A LOT. Weighting everything, pro and cons. I called my sister and cried badly. She too, cried silently but I can hear that. She told me to keep crying because she said I always keep thing inside. Well Along, I'm not always keeping by myself. I just rarely show to you guys.

And I've made my final decision. I need help...

Symptoms

Why eh, all the symptoms just coming back now?

Day 11: Tiba Tiba Hidup Macam lagu.

Apakah?

1. Soul sisters, Train.

Sisterssss. I'm crazy right now. 

2. 1, 2, 3, 4. I Love You. Plain White.

Tuhan, beri aku cinta agar dapat aku berkongsi bila aku perlu. Beri aku bahu tempat rebah bila aku sendu. Tawa bersama aku bila aku ceria. Sama sama jatuh bangun terus kental menongkah arus hidup.

Oh tuhan, untuk saat ini, aku rasa sukar.

3. About a Girl. The Academy.

She's ordinary and she can feels that she needs attention from medical doctors. She's in a depression state. Poor her.

4. Two is Better Than One. Taylor Swift ft Love Drunk

Tangan ada dua. Kaki ada dua. Begitu juga mata. Namun hati satu, dia kosong. Pasangannya ada diluar sana, Carilah. Biarkan ia sepasang. Sempurna.

5. New Divide. Linkin Park.

I'm lost with this division. The loudest screaming when nobody heard.

6. According To You. Orianthi.

I'm stupid. I'm useless. I can't do anything right.

According to you, I'm difficult. Hard to please. Forever changing my mind.

7. Tanya Sama Hati. P Ramlee ft Normadiah.

Mulut boleh kau bohong. Tanya hati, beliau berbohong juakah?

8. Jelmakanlah Ayumu. Siti Nurhaliza.

Hey esok. Beri aku sinar. Beri aku bahagia. Beri aku ceria.

Hey esok. Jelmakanlah ayumu. Aku mahu itu!

Hey esok.

Aku akan menangis lagikah?

9. Dirty Little Secret. The All American Reject.

Kadang-kadang rasa tak perlu cerita. Kan? Tiada telinga mahu dengar. Tiada sudi menyapu luruh air mata. I'll keep you my dirty little secret.

10. Down To Earth. Justin Bieber.

I never thought it would be easy.

'Cause we both so distance now....

Day 11 - Put your ipod on shuffle and write 10 songs that pop up.

Day 10: Hari Pertama Saya jatuh Cinta

Tak. Tak. Soalan sebenar dia, your first love and your first kiss.

Malulah nak cerita. Euww. Lempang sebiji baru tahu. Buka je mata kat dunia ni, I dah jumpa my real first love tau. Bukan takat kiss je I dapat, peluk cium semua tau. 

Ala, you tahu siapa first love (should I add /s/?) I. Okay, you all tahu siapa first lovesssss I, you fikirlah sendiri.

Saya lukis binatang ini, saya warnakan. Dah siap baru saya perasan, sayap dia cacat. Oh!

Day 10 - Discuss your first love and first kiss.

Day 9: Future

I never think of the future.

It comes soon enough. 

~Albert Einstein

Day 09 - How you hope your future will be like.

Day 8: Satisfaction

Self-Actualization

“What a man can be, he must be.” This forms the basis of the perceived need for self-actualization. This level of need pertains to what a person's full potential is and realizing that potential. Maslow describes this desire as the desire to become more and more what one is, to become everything that one is capable of becoming. This is a broad definition of the need for self-actualization, but when applied to individuals the need is specific. For example one individual may have the strong desire to become an ideal parent, in another it may be expressed athletically, and in another it may be expressed in painting, pictures, or inventions. As mentioned before, in order to reach a clear understanding of this level of need one must first not only achieve the previous needs, physiological, safety, love, and esteem, but master these needs."

Reference here.

To complete and feed all the above needs thus lead to self satisfaction, it's a LONG WAY to go.

Day 08 - A moment you felt the most satisfied with your life.

Day 7: Fish?

Zodiac? Erk? Weweweeeeee. Aku tahu zodiak aku ikan. Ces, ikan kau bagi aku. Tak cool langsung. Tanpa air, maka tercungap-cungaplah aku untuk hidup. Kau nak perli aku selalu tercungap-cungap tak cukup oksigen kah? Kureng ajor.

Hahahhaa.

Weh, aku tak percaya benda benda ni oii. Syirik. Kalau gitu, tak payah susah susah aku berusaha, baik aku baca zodiak je tengok jalan hidup aku macam mana hari itu akan berlalu, dan follow apa yang ditakdirkan. Kononnyalah. 

Ada dua belas zodiak atas dunia ni, jadinya manusia yang berbilion, zilion, trilion ni, bahagi kepada dua belas kumpulan je. Okay hidup kita sama. Yeksss. Tak menarik. Kau, hidup kaulah. Aku, hidup aku. Yang kau sibuk nak tiru aku apahal?

Elok elok aku bernafas guna hidung, berani kau samakan aku dengan insang? Elok elok badan aku berkulit, kau samakan aku dengan sisik? Elok elok aku jalan dengan kaki, kau samakan aku dengan sirip? Eh eh eh. Tak patutttttt.

Tak cool langsung.

Erghhh. Tah pape. (Wow, aku eja macam ni weh!)

Day 07 - Your zodiac sign and if you think it fits your personality.

Day 6: 30 Yang Anda Perlu Tahu

Bagi precise sikit, 30 interesting facts about yourself. Haih. Interesting tu memang tak adalah. Manusia biasa, tipikal. Tapi, tak pe. Meh nak korek korek diari hati mana tahu ada satu dua yang interesting , cari lagi, cari lagi bagi cukup 30. 

1. I'm right handed. But, I can write both hands. No. No. I'm not ambidextrous. It isn't equally well, tapi kalau ditakdirkan patah tangan kanan dah tu kena jawab exam, yeah I can write with my left.

2. I can sing, without people need to cup their hands on both ears.

3. I need a long time to study math, but amazingly short on arts.

4. I bad with numbers and lines, but I'm better with colours and blending it.

5. Don't ask me to cook, otherwise you can see all the ingredient in the perfect other, lined, before it turns to something that you can eat.

6. I like to use scissor than nail-clipper to make my nails short. I want it to be well done in inverted U-shape.

7. I love to smile, because my dad once said I'm ugly without it.

8. Some love cats, others love to cook, dress, or bake. No words can explain how much I love babies, toddlers and kids. I can spend the whole day playing, entertaining, singing, dancing. God knows how amazing they are.

9. I rarely like text-ing messages. I prefer call.

10. It takes more than two weeks sometimes, and a month when its holiday to reload a RM 10 new credit.

11. Phone for me; games> mp3> camera> call> sms. I know, I know how weird when games can defeat the calls. It's just, for me, like cinema without movies, it's lame, huh?

12. I can write nice khat (arabic calligraphy), but I stopped when my teacher (he is my senior and I admired him so much) passed away due to bone cancer. He can't survive even after replacing his affected bone with the new stainless still bone. I don't what exactly medical term calls it.

13. I always want to be the person that never be forgotten. That's how I teach myself to be different.

14. If in front of me are delicious fried noodle and ice cream, I always want both. But, if I need to choose, I take ice cream.

15. I chew ice cream instead of licking it.

16. I hate waiting and being waited. Therefore, I always late. HAHAHHA.

17. Cry baby with unbreakable heart. Or, at least easily healed heart.

18. Sigh. I fall in love as easy as first sight. My bad. Syaitan sungguh.

19. I'm ESFJ.

20. I'm addicted to coffee (other way not using caffeine as a word) and I can tell you how different the taste among brands.

21. I can read people face. That's good huh to have that ability when you are clinician? Okay okay. Soon-to-be clinician.

22. Oh, my face is readable.

23. I always want to be a novelist. The islamic and inspirational one. But, when it comes to chapter 10, I get bored. Ergh!

24. Don't tell me to do same thing, repeatedly. I hate it.

25. If I need to draw portrait or cartoon, I'm better on human's face. I guess so.

26. I'm bad with more than two instructions. I'm stuck to receive the third while remembering the first two. If you have to, give me the lists of it. I'm fine with that.

27. I wonder how people can read a book full of writings; novel?

28. I walk very fast when I'm alone. And very slow when I'm on mp3.

29. I like beach but I'm afraid of wild waves.

30. Hey. I'm done! And it's rare.

Fewwhhh!

Day 06 - Write 30 interesting facts about yourself.

Day 5: Suicide

Amboi. Tiap kali putus cinta, bunuh diri? Tiap kali fail exam, bunuh diri? Tiap kali jatuh terjelepuk, bunuh diri? Hidup tak kuat langsung. Apa kau ingat dengan kau bunuh diri tu settle masalah? Kalau kau ada tujuh nyawa, mati hidup balik. Mati hidup balik. Mati hidup balik. Tak apa juga nak bunuh bunuh diri ni.

Copp! Ingat rasa mati tu macam kena gigit semut je ke?

Satu hal. Apa kau confirm masuk syurga? Banyak dah pahala?

Bawa-bawalah bertaubat kalau terfikir nak bunuh diri. Banyak lagi cara nak selesai dari kau tutup rapat hidung nak bernafas bebas.

Hayya!

Hidup aku pun ada jatuh bangun lemas lelah. Tapi, nak bunuh diri? No way! Kahwin pun tak lagi ni. (Eh? Ada kena mengena?)

Day 05 - A time you thought about ending your own life.

Day 4: I'm Muslim

I was off to Azah'h home and very glad to be there. Habiskan masa dengan budak memang worth doinglah kan.  Aku ada banyak benda nak tanya pada budak sekalian cerita seharian mereka. Ada banyak keinginan untuk peluk dukung cium setiap masa. Ada banyak cerita nak dikisahkan untuk good night story; sang kancil dengan buaya, sang kancil dengan monyet, sang kancil dengan arnab dan sang kancil dengan kau letaklah binatang apa kau nak pasti tuppp terus keluar cerita dalam otak aku. So blog blog FB FB ni semua letak tepi. Tak pandang dah babai. Hahahha.

So now, back to USM. Kena face dengan semua realiti. Oh!

Balik pada soalan apa pendapat awak tentang agama? Think Huda think! Well, tak reti nak cakap dengan ayat paling skema lagi tak reti nak reka ayat agar terus nampak ilmiah dan wow! Betul. Saya bukan baik tapi saya nak jadi baik.

So, bila soalan untuk day 4 (tipu gila padahal sepatutnya dah masuk day 6 pffttt peduli apa aku), apakah pandangan aku terhadap agama. Aku hanya boleh ringkaskan dengan cerita. Tak. Aku maksudkan pengalaman sendiri.

Satu benda, masa aku belajar pengurusan stress, ketika kita lost, kita ada tempat kebergantungan (betul dak ayat aku ni) yang beyond power kita nak imagine.

Well, kau pernah ingat tak bila masa kau putus cinta? Oh, kau tak pernah bercinta. Okay okay. Pernah tak dalam kehidupan ni kau menemui jalan buntu, kau betul betul dah hilang arah? Kau dalam kata lain memang kalau dapat tengok hati tu memang dah pecah pecah kalau nak ambil gam tampal pun memang tak tertampal? Kau memang sikit sikit nangis, kalau tidur pun memang nightmare segala.

Tapi, jauh nun dihujung hati, ada satu kuasa yang bagi kau semangat perlahan lahan dan kau percaya DIA boleh buat atau ubah apa apa dengan kehendakNYA. Perantara antara kau dan dia, hanya perlu tadah tangan terus memohon.

Dan, kau hanya boleh lakukan ini dengan agama. Specifically, ISLAM. :)

Got it?

Day 04 - Your views on religion.

Day 3: Addicted?

My views on drugs and alcohol.

I know that above statement is based on illegal usage. But, when I'm in this such of health field and yet being one of the regular user of drugs. So, should I call myself drugs addicted?

I really crave for my inhaler, orally intake steroid and sure nebulizer when I lost to breath, when my lip and nails turn blue. Sometimes, I'm happy seeing IV line placed in my vein. You know why? I feel really safe because I know all the drugs are now directly go into my body and fight with that viruses! I will desperately need my Cafergot when Allah knows how bad was the throbbing; right in your brain. And worse, having double vision make you want to silently sit in a darkness and hibernate.

Of course it's a big NO to call myself as a person who is addicted to drug as I consume it based on my needs, most of the time, less. You know what I mean, right? The medications that prescribed to you, are all contain of drugs. What make it different? That drugs are not going to make you,  to that extend of addiction. 

However, Islam has been forbidding illegal drugs intake so does alcohol as it harms your body. Because Allah says so, I have no objection. Never will.

Day 03 - Your views on drugs and alcohol.

Day 2: 10 Years Ahead?

What will happens to me the next 10 year?

If I live longer. If life runs smoothly. If Allah allows me to still breathing up to the next ten years. Here are my dreams. Dreams that I wish it can be accomplished.

I'm Alhamdulillah 23 by now, so soon it'll be 33. What a number. Of course I hope by my 33rd, I'll have my own kids, 2 perhaps? Hee. The kids that will always have bedtime story. The kids that will always have good night kiss. The kids that will always have my infinity loves. If he is boy, he's Umar. If  she's girl, definitely, Hannah.

Hahahhaa. Beraaaaangan.

Well. 10 years ahead, am I an audiologist? For now, I leave it to Allah; the ONE to decide. If it yes, then that is the right one for me. But, if it doesn't, still that's the best for me.

I hope I own a place that I would really like to call it; home. Even it is a simple one, that's fine. You know the  safest place is your home? The home you can comfortably rest, sleep, cook, do whatever you want. I know it seems doesn't suits well for nowadays (as crimes can happen in your home), but you can't prevent thing which is beyond your control, can you?

Above all have been mentioned above, I want to visit Mekah, doing umrah with my loved ones. :)

The lists keep growing.

Day 02 - Where you’d like to be in 10 years.

Day 1: Relationship!

My Current Relationship?

Well, I know this question mainly focused on man-woman thingy. But, relationship has broader meaning, hasn't it? So, I would really like to express, despite of not having that 'type' of relationship, I'm surrounded more and more loves everyday. I have very supportive parents, lovely friends, kind lecturers clinicians and awesome imaginary friend. Whatever. 

So, my current relationship? I'm taken with lovely loverssss. Mak ayah kawan kawan cikgu cikgu and on top of all those; I have ALLAH and Muhammad Rasulullah!

Day 01 - Your current relationship, if single discuss how single life is.
Day 02 - Where you’d like to be in 10 years.
Day 03 - Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 04 - Your views on religion.
Day 05 - A time you thought about ending your own life.
Day 06 - Write 30 interesting facts about yourself.
Day 07 - Your zodiac sign and if you think it fits your personality.
Day 08 - A moment you felt the most satisfied with your life.
Day 09 - How you hope your future will be like.
Day 10 - Discuss your first love and first kiss.
Day 11 - Put your ipod on shuffle and write 10 songs that pop up.
Day 12 - Bullet your whole day.
Day 13 - Somewhere you’d like to move or visit.
Day 14 - Your earliest memory.
Day 15 - Your favorite quotes.
Day 16 - Your views on mainstream music.
Day 17 - Your highs and lows of this past year.
Day 18 - Your beliefs.
Day 19 - Disrespecting your parents.
Day 20 - How important you think education is.
Day 21 - One of your favorite shows.
Day 22 - How have you changed in the past 2 years?
Day 23 - Give pictures of 5 guys who are famous who you find attractive.
Day 24 - Your favorite movie and what it’s about.
Day 25 - Someone who fascinates you and why.
Day 26 - What kind of person attracts you.
Day 27 - A problem that you have had.
Day 28 - Something that you miss.
Day 29 - Goals for the next 30 days.
Day 30 - Your highs and lows of this month

Masa Pun Ubat Apa!

Aku tak tahu berapa lama masa akan diambil kali ni nak pulih semula. Sakit amat. Well, bukan kali pertama rasa macam ni. Seingat aku, paling kurang empat kali perasaan ni pernah datang. Pertama, gagal dapat 9A PMR. Kedua, bila hilang orang yang dikasihi lagi dicintai lagi disayangi lagi diimpikan oh! Ketiga, bila keputusan PASUM jatuh berdesup. Dan keempat, ini.

Sakit nak pujuk hati. Sakit nak cipta muka dan hati sama seiring menerima gembira bila berjumpa sekalian pengajar. Sakit nak memulakan masa lena. Oh, syukur, air mata sudah reti mahu berhenti kering. Tolong jangan keluar keluar. Hodoh. Benci aku tengok muka cengeng asyik nak meleleh. Ptuih. Huduh tahu!

Benda paling senang nak menstresskan manusia adalah illogical and/or irrational beliefs. Ni aku belajar dalam stress management. Kita, sebagai manusia boleh kekal untuk berfikir yang bukan bukan, atau untuk memerhatikan hidup dari sudut terang cerah gemilang terbilang.

Kadang-kadang aku selalu terfikir, lepas ni kalau aku praktis klinik, clinician akan repeat ke test aku buat? Memang trauma, nightmares segala. Dahlah mimpi entah berapa kali aku jumpa budak ni. Ergh, sudah sudahlah masuk mimpi aku setelah patah renyukkan hati. Hahahha.

Sekarang hujan. Selain dari aku jadi malas nak basuh baju, selebihnya aku suka. Dua hari ni aku kena berulang alik ke bangunan lecturer demi tesis. Sikit punya jauh lagi tidak berbumbung dan hujan? Fuh, menarik sungguh untuk berjalan dalan renyai hujan dan remuk hati. Perfect combination kan?

Aku harap dua bulan berlalu dengan cepat, sebab aku percaya masa adalah ubat perasan paling mujarab. Pun begitu, untuk menerima dua bulan lagi; juga bukan mudah...

Dear Diary: Mama, I'm Sorry!

"Kami sayangkan awak, jadi hari ini awak hanya LULUS BERSYARAT. Awak akan duduki ujian semula mid term nanti,"

Dear Diary,

Still, I couldn't make it. It seems like whatever I did, it'll end up nothing.

Dear Diary,

Mommy was fasting on that day so I could at least had a little peace. I did. I really did it. Except for the last thirteen minutes, where my examiner knocked the door and reminded me that only 13 minutes left. That 13 minutes; I didn't finish one procedure. When I managed to finish up, the test need to be proceeded with the second procedure for the whole frequencies. Alhamdullillah, I did it together with counselling, But, the counselling part, that wasn't done perfectly as the time's up.

Dear Diary,

I really hope that this time I could pass. I tried to overcome my panic, well I guess the fate wasn't for me this time. That last 13 minutes, it ruined the whole session.

Dear Diary,

It was a big impact when my examiners called back the patient to recheck what had I done. That time, I could feel my heart, stop beating. That time, when my heart start to pump in the blood again, it did in a very hurt way. What could had been so hurt when your examiner retest your patient? What does it means? None of my friends had to face this like I did. I felt so stupid, hopeless.

Dear Diary,

It means; they did not trust my results. It means; I'm unreliable. It means; I'm not yet qualified. And among all my friends, I'm the real loser.

Dear Diary,

I was a big relief until I cried in front of my examiners! I had no words to say but tears loaded to burst out. It was at least calming me when he said, the result wasn't differ much than his. It was also a big relief when he did agree that the patient is quite difficult to get the threshold. At least, I'm not that bad after all. At least, I was not spending time unnecessarily as he claimed I was. 

Dear Diary,

I've been trained for a year and half, and only a day taken to receive: You're not at what we hoped you should.

Dear Diary,

I called mom. I cried badly until I didn't know what I was mumbling for. I kept asking apologizes from her until she stopped me by saying I'm cleverer than her. That more than enough for her. Well, the tears stopped for a while before it worsening. 

Dear Diary,

But, still I didn't manage it to pass. 

Dear Diary,

I text-ed my two lecturers which are my doctors too. I said how much I was sorry for not making it. Back then, it reminds me how audiology wasn't my dreams but after I got sick for quite a long time and they helped me; it did change my perception towards my course, audiology. Since then, I love this course, for the sake of people who helped me.

Dear Diary,

I work harder. I read a lot. Not to please or impress lecturers or clinicians but to pay back their kindness towards me. I borrowed a lot of books and being in a library sometimes for the whole day to absorb word by word from the text books. I keep on telling myself up to now, I owe them and the only way to pay back; being success.

Dear Diary,

Prof. Din called me to motivate. With tears, again, I lost. The only thing I could say, my future that I see so bright, now becomes completely dark. I told him, I guess being audiologist didn't suit me well. He convinced me that, that wasn't true. The problem was I easily panic. I smiled, there are few things I can't work under pressure. One of that, this.

Dear Diary,

I guess I want to agree with one of my friends when he said he hoped he will not being examined with certain examiners. I was at that time told him, if I were him, I'll hope to get the questions I can answer. So, there will be no room to fail him.

Well, I guess I am wrong this time.

Dear Diary,

I'm in the acceptance phase now but sometimes I reject the fact that I failed. Well, my best friend who face a lot worse than I am, advised me that it's natural to reject for certain times. She said, Allah sees and counts my effort to 'redha'. Allah knows best. She said too, HE wants me to fail because of the reason that I don't know... yet. And, when the time comes, I'll realize and grateful for the failure I'm facing now. She said, He  wants to test me how much I understand the word 'hamba'.

I cried again for her words. Thanks, Hadiah.

Dear Diary,

I'm fine now. Please, help me face this from now on. My spirit, sometimes up high, sometimes...

p/s: I did think of changing course.

OFF

Tak nak tulis dua hari. Babai.

Ye ke?

Dear Diary

Dear Diary,

Today, written exams end up officially. I was struggling like hell to gain concentration to study the night before. Heh. Oh, did I miss to tell you I failed my clinical exam?

Dear Diary,

I guess everybody were worrying over my excessive amount of panicking. Well, I am wonder too why I'm easily get distracted and once it happens, I'm no longer can concentrate for whatever I'm doing. I was about to cry when dear clinicians kept on calming me, my dear lecturer taught me the doa to reduce stress, my doctor advised me to stay calm and yet, I failed it.

Dear Diary,

I'm fine. I'm okay. I did sad. I did hurt. I did cry the moment I stepped out from the clinic, and the moment I was being told about my failure, and the moment my best friends asked and the moment my dad called me. Well. That was nature. Nature of failure. I was fine to cry, and I just let it as usual.

Dear Diary,

I'm not crying because I need to repeat. I was actually expecting it from the beginning. I cried because I could see my parent's hope fade away. I felt I was already disappointing my lecturers. I thought I was breaking my clinicians' confident over me.

Dear Diary,

I cried because I knew that wasn't me. That wasn't my actual performance. Well, it was okay to learn from the mistakes. That's how I taught my self and exactly the next two hours I can laugh. I can even make jokes to my friends regarding my failure. I'm fine. By fine, I really mean it, FINE.

Dear Diary,

I posted my failure at my FB's wall because I wanted nobody asked me sad things. Yeapp. That's me. I really like to acknowledge my failure and unlikely to share when I was doing well. I don't know why. I'm not gaining sympathy as I don't need any. I did it because, I hate to type the same word 'gagal' or 'fail' or 'repeat' all over again during SMS but with different people.  However, I am very grateful surrounded with my friends that really care. All of them asked and supported me. It was shocking them I failed but, it didn't on me.

Dear Diary,

I need to repeat my clinical exam on Monday. I need no hope to perform well because I know I can. All I need is being CALM. 

Dear Diary,

Can you help me?

Could you please tell them I'm okay?

Selamat Bertunang

Maaf, gua tak ambil gambar. Itupun gua dah separuh hampir nak naik angin kena paksa pakai baju kurung cantik cantik. Ergh!

Aku memanglah tak pernah nak kisah bab bab ni walaupun ahli keluarga sendiri. Entah. Walaupun aku sangatlah mudah nak jatuh hati terutamanya kalau mereka itu kacak lagi baik hati dan mengambil berat, terus cair meleleh leleh hati. Hahhaha. Tapi, namanya nak ambil tahu siapa bakal ipar duai ni memang tak lah. Hoh.

Mungkin, satu hari nanti.

Aku rasa memang sikap dan sifat perempuan begitu. Ececeh terus salahkan sikap dan sifatlah kan.

Punyalah aku tak faham kenapa, sampai bila berborak dengan jiran jiran aku tanya soalan; aku rasa agaklah tak berapa nak cerdik.

1. Bertunang pun kena buat hantaran ke?

2. Lelaki pun sarung cincin juga ke?

3. Kalau tak bertunang, tak boleh ke?

Heh. Susah betul perjalanan nak kahwin.

Apapun, selamat bertunanglah kakanda ku. Jangan lupa belajar masak sedap sedap kemas rumah rajin rajin. Hee.

p/s: Hampeh betul bila semua jiran datang rumah nampak muka aku satu soalan je available, "Angah sihat dah? Kaki okay?"

Nampak sangat budak lembik cesss! :P

Nak Jerit Kuat Kuat

Enough is enough!

Exam besar masih tak nak jamah buku tebal, eh nota tebal. Macam nak biar biarkan je tapi nanti padan muka sendiri. Tak bersedia langsung nak hadap peperiksaan masa depan semester satu ini. Lagi lagi pemeriksa dia diterbangkan khas dari US untuk cek reti ke tak aku layan pesakit.

Wallaweyh!

Mana reti nak speaking english terbelit lidah. Mana paham juga nak dengar orang cakap omputeh ada slang. 

Rabik hati eh exam kali ni.

p/s: Susah hati setiap kali nak balik Kelantan. :'(

Award!

Syukur pada-NYA atas nikmat sihat yang masih lagi tidak lokek DIA sedekahkan untuk hamba yang sungguh amat jarang bersyukur.

Kali ketiga (nama je ketiga tapi tujuh tusukan jarum) di pergelangan lengan, pergelangan tangan, tangan; kiri kanan. Disebabkan dari kecil lagi dah biasa benar ditusuk tusuk jarum, jika dipilih menelan ubat atau melalui IV line, sumpah aku pilih IV line!

Senang. Cucuk je, ubat terus masuk badan; tak payah rasa pahit yekks!

Aku suka sangat tengok orang ambil darah dari tangan aku. Cop! Bukan tilik muka dia handsome ke tak, aku suka bet dia ambil darah sakit ke tak? Hahahha. Semalam pelajar perubatan praktikal di hospital area rumah ambil paling aku tabik spring toink toink sebab walau 3 tempat pulak tu siap terpaksa tarik masuk tarik masuk, inilah pertama kali memang TAK SAKIT LANGSUNG!

Walaupun muka dia cuak dan aku siap kata kita tukar tempatlah dah darah tak keluar, dia tetap kacak bermuka cool berlagak tenang untuk kekal tidak mahu menukar ke kiri. Sudahnya padanlah payah keluar, darah aku sama pekat dengan gam!

Masa demam, air memang pahit manalah ada hati nak minum!

Well, aku dah demam dua minggu. Cumanya on off on off dan disebabkan aku mudah sangat jatuh sakit, aku tak tahu setiap kali aku sakit, aku sakit teruk ke aku sakit biasa. Sehinggalah hari Khamis tak ada benda lain aku boleh buat melainkan terbaring dengan kepala sakit, pandangan berpinar, segala sendi perit, dan tarik nafas sungguh mahal harganya.

Bila malam sampai, nak cakap bukan takat sepatang sepatah, satu sukukata pun belum tentu aku boleh buat. Bunyi bernafas memang tak boleh nak kata dah dan itu adalah signal mesti pergi dapatkan nebulizer. Tapi keraskan hati tak nak pergi emergency dengan alasan paling bodoh, tak nak jumpa budak medik dikenali dengan keadaan tercungap cungap.

Aah. Memang tegar gila. Mati baru tahu.

Esok pagi tengok muka sendiri dekat cermin, cantik! Kuku biru. Bibir biru. Leher dah serupa vakum setiap kali tarik nafas. Mata panda. Barulah mula cari kereta sebab nak berjalan separuh langkah pun tak lalu.

Pergi emergency dengan suhu badan panas gila, dengan kena cakap dengan doktor lelah dah teruk, masuk entah ubat apa benda dalam IV line yang dah lebam kiri kanan dek nurse tak jumpa vein hohoho. Tak peduli yang tahun nak nebulizer nak tidur diam diam nak rasa oksigen yang cukup.

Lagi tenang habis tiada pelajar berkot putih berlegar legar. Hee! Penting gila tiada pelajar berkot putih ketika tercungap-cungap. Kau tak akan dapat bayang bertapa hodohnya muka aku tak cukup udara sebab aku pun tak sanggup tengok muka sendiri.

Disebabkan demam tinggi, darah kena cek! The moment doktor sahkan denggi, terus "Tak payah masuk wad kan?"

Senyum sampai telinga sebab kena masuk air sahaja! Selalu pun macam tu, doktor selalu tak pasti kau sakit ke tak sebab muka sihat tapi result positive. Hohoho. Tak reti nak buat muka sakit depan orang kecuali kalau dah memang tak boleh sorok. -_-"

Tak menarik okay terbaring dengan sorang sorang manusia dikenali berlegar legar dalam wad. Itu adalah memalukan! Dan lagi tak menarik bila jawab exam tapi dalam hati berharap ada mask dan oksigen melekat di hidung! Heh. :P

Bila dah tak rasa demam mulalah malas nak ambil darah susulan. Masa ni bila tak mampu nak jamah internet, adalah beruntung mempunyai kawan kawan medikal sungguh murah hati menjawab soalan. Inilah dikatakan maklumat dihujung jari!

Eh, sebenarnya aku nak bagitahu aku dah sihat dan terima kasihlah kepada yang mesej dan setia mendoakan kesejahteraan aku yang sungguh kesian bila sakit ketika final exam.

***

Ini ada ward dari Kak Sol pemilik blog berbling bling hee. Arigator gozaimasssss. :D

7 perkara tentang saya:

1. Saya pemarah tapi saya mudah baik. Poyo.

2. Saya suka durian yang teramat sangat.

3. Badan berimun agak lemah dari kecil.

4. Saya Insyallah berkepakaran pendengaran tapi saya masih mahu menjadi wartawan.

5. Saya juga mahu menjadi novelis!

6. Saya harap saya jumpa jodoh dalam masa setahun sebab kakak saya akan bernikah dalam masa setahun.

7. Cengeng dan sangat mudah jatuh cinta kepada mereka berhati baik. Haih! :P

Terkenang

Moga selamat di Madinah sana. 

*Seka air mata*

...

A million words would not bring you back, 

I know cause I've tried. 

And, a million tears wouldn't either, 

I know because I've cried...

The only true painful good-byes are the ones that are never said and never been explained.
~Farah Jawaid

Macam-Macam Kalau Boleh Nak Mintak

Kenapa saya suka belajar dekat library?

***

Perkara pertama saya akan lakukan bila masuk ke perpustakaan adalah pergi dekat sudut mari membaca surat khabar. Konon konon nak dapat mood belajar dengan mengetahui apa berlaku kepada dunia hari ini. Ces. Sudahnya kadang-kadang saya sakit tengkuk sebab ruang membaca surat khabar meja rendah kerusi tinggi.

Hayya!

Kedua kenapa saya suka library, beliau ada banyak buku yang banyak gambar yang buat saya berhenti dekat rak entah mana mana walhal saya nak pergi rak ORL. Saya selalu tergari di rak gigi dan rak psikologi! Huh! Buang masa saya sungguh!

Hari ini belek punya belek setiap mukasurat terpandang satu tajuk dekat bahagian ruang pengomen macam tu lah lebih kurang ada tulis pelajar universiti sukar untuk mendapat bahan rujukan.

Erk!

Mula mula nak juga erk besar besar tapi lepas tu balik dalam rational state semula dan agak nak mengiyakan jugalah. Ada sekali tu pernah pensyarah kata hai pelajar sekarang agak malas nak pergi library. Dia kata masa dia dulu dahlah nak pinjam buku kena tengok dalam satu buku besar nak tahu buku tu wujud ke tak. Pulak tu kena tunggu dekat sebulan untuk proses kalau kalau ada pelajar lain yang tengah pinjam. Dahlah tak ada telefon bimbit untuk orang library hubungi bila buku dah available, maka harus rajin hari hari menapak pergi gedung ilmu dan tanya buku dah ada?

Sekarang?

Kau pergi je dekat mana mana sudut dalam library ada komputer, oh spesifik lagi nama dia Opac Krisalis. Haaa. Kau taip je buku apa kau nak terus tadaaaaaa! Keluar semua siap tahun penerbitan, tukang terbit, nama penulis, no siri semualah ada! Kalau kau nak tahu tu buku library ke tak, kau buka mukasurat 100 mesti ada cop library Perpustakaan Hamdan Tahir. Mukasurat lain tak ada. 100 je ada.

Jangan kau nak bagitahu aku kau tak tahu nama library tempat kau belajar apa. Aku cepuk kang!

Tang mana pula budak tu komen bahawasanya pelajar universiti kekurangan sumber rujukan?

Okay aku iyakan yang ni besar besar!

Aku suka baca jurnal. Kesukaan aku terhadap jurnal boleh mengakibatkan aku duduk depan laptop berjam jam demi mencari dan membaca serta mambazirkan dakwat printer berkati kati untuk print! Tapi bila jumpa jurnal yang memanggil manggil hati sampai meronta ronta nak baca terus dan dan tu, dekat webpage pula keluar:

This journal is available now. Add to cart! Contoh besar lagi; British Journal of Audiology - 19(4):Pages 271-276; Tinnitus in noise-induced hearing loss, Electronic, Individual (access for 24 hours for US $86.00)

Haih! Terbantuk keinginan ilmiah aku. Tengok, eja terbantut pun dah salah. (Kau mesti pusing balik mata nak cek aku eja terbantut betul ke tak kan? :P) Huh.




Belajar sungguh mahal!

I'm Fine

Final year tahun satu. Fuhhh! Mana nak dapat sekarang study dekat makmal?

I'm fine with my outfit now. I'm fine with my t shirt, and jeans and always black hijab and simple sandal. I'm fine with my always green, or with my always same t shirt, or with my always naked face skin; without sun block or whitening cream or whatever. Yup, I'm fine with all I wear and I don't mind.

I'm fine even when my two sisters really care their ironed baju kurung, their matched color of hijab, their make up, their high heels, their handbags bla bla bla. I'm fine with again t shirt and jeans while celebrating Hari Raya. I'm really okay with that.

I always back home with my only red backpack. And I'm always being nagged because of my last minutes of packing stuffs. I just feel that clothes are still clothes, and whatever I grab at my last minutes are just fine. I'm fine to go anywhere with my only cloth and if I'm given to choose any cloth I could, still I'll always choose the same color, or the same patterns, or the same brands. That's just me.

I'm just a girl with simple appearance and simple needs. And if it doesn't, I'm not going to changer far beyond I could imagine. If it does, I'll always make sure nobody has to bear with me. 

Simple math.

But.

Hahahahaha!

This evening, my physiotherapist was 'soooooo nice'!

"Eh, kau betulkanlah tudung kau tu dulu. Serabai selekeh aku tengok!"

Eiiiiiiiii. Memang rasa nak cepuk sebab tak pernah pernah ada orang tegur apatah lagi lelaki tentang apa saja aku! Ciss. Tapi, macam biasa kepala batu punya orang haruslah aku tak nak kalah.

"I'm simple and I'm not feminine. Thank you,"

Terus blah!

Mohon Kuat Tabah

I slept around 1030 pm last night with unexplained sleepiness. I climbed up the ladder and put my head down on the pillow and seeking the proper and the most comfortable angle to sleep.

I didn't know at what time I woke up but the only thing I could remember were, my stomach wasn't good and that lamps were killing me. In other words, it's triggering my migraine. Oh! Whenever I wanted to be in the real black room, and I couldn't, I'll hide my face under the blanket and start crying. What a kid.

I woke up with the nausea, so quickly I ran down (still with hundred percent careful because of my unstable right knee) and stuck in the toilet doing nothing! So, I went back to sleep and ran to toilet and vomited and slept and toilet and vomited. And worst, I was a bit shocked when I woke up for the last time, I was IN THE TOILET!

Poor me.

After praying Subuh, I slept until 3 pm! 

I'm sad for that to happen. I'm sad because I've to forget my plan to study at library. I'm sad because it suppose not to happen during this study week. But, everything happens, it all has reasons.

I still remember during my second year, I almost need to be warded while I had a 3 unit paper tomorrow. I still remember during my third year, I suffered from food poisoning for a week and my study week for final exam burned just like that.

And now, with Yu Yee smelling all around my body (I always and like to use this ointment and my clinician once asked; Who's smelling is this? Like a baby!), with thick socks cover up my feet, with sweater for extra heat, with Cool Fever patched on my forehead, I begging for all the readers (if any) to pray for my health. :'( 

No mom and dad to help me here. No one will cook a bowl of porridge and makes Milo or Ribena for me.  No one will sleep with me and make sure I'm OK the whole night like at home; I'll sleep in between my mom and dad. I need to be strong here neither I can nor I can't. I have to!

Pray for me.

p/s: Sakit semua kena buat sendiri kat sini, sebab tu di rumah juga menang untuk dicintai!

CIK Huda

Aku mulakan dengan bismillah semoga tiada riak dari syaitan yang kejam mengiringi penulisan ini, Insyallah.

Fuhh.

Pembukaan yang mantop. Elok lepas solat Maghrib aku terlentok depan kain setimbun atas katil yang baru kering ingat nak lipat cantik cantik tapi TERtidur! Serius punya tertidur ni. Tapi mimpi, Masyallah sungguh menakutkan.

Mula mula manislah sebab berada dekat tanah tinggi sejuk ada orang jatuh hati. Eh?

Betul. Lepas tu terus mimpi tukar bahawanya ajal sudah hampir tiba. Masa itu ayah emak kat sisi terus peluk erat-erat, terus mengaku semua salah salah sepanjang hidup tak kira yang melawan cakap, yang amik dua puluh sen sorok-sorok nak beli aiskrim pop punya pasal, yang itu yang ini. Sumpah takut gila bila tahu ajal sendiri.

Lagi sedih bila ayah tak nak dipeluk sebab dia tak mahu ditinggalkan anak gadis yang dibesarkan 23 tahun yang sungguh sukar. Apa tak sukar kalau dah kepala batu, hati keras. Hoho. Dan dan tu terus ketat dada, batuk batuk sambil zikir, oh sudah sampai masanya aku tinggalkan alam yang fana ini.

Tarik nafas sepanjang boleh, terus sedar dari lena. Ohhh, kena serangan asthma padanlah mimpi bukan bukan. Musim hujan macam ni, akan adalah sesi berjalan seorang diri ke jabatan kecemasan. 

Mengucap syukur dengan banyak sebab semua mimpi dan masih hidup, masih mampu taip entry ini dengan jayanya. Jenguk jam dekat tangan, kemudian terkejut. Aik? Sejak bila tak pakai jam masa tidur?

Turun katil, oh pukul 1030 malam. Blurr sambil mengingati mimpi itu. Dan padanlaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah  mimpi bukan bukan, TAK SOLAT ISYAK LAGI.

***

Bukan nak ceirta tu sebenarnya. 

Ada sekali aku tulis dekat FB, kita mudahkan kerja orang, kerja kita pula dipermudahkan. Kebelakangan ini (Ya Allah jauhkanlah aku dari sifat riak!), adalah beberapa orang minta tolong perihal pendengaran atau telinga atau seumpamyan. Bermula dari tulisan tulisan separah ilmiah berkenaan ilmu yang seciput cuma, hinggalah yang dari alam realiti.

Dulu memang tak tahu apakah audiologi. Lepas dapat sakit, mulalah ada insaf terselit. Dan setiap hari dikelilingi pensyarah pensyarah baik hati, ringan tulang, sungguh sopan, hati jadi lembut minta doa selalu supaya satu hari nanti kalau tak jadi baik macam tu, sekurang-kurangnya ada yang lekat. Sikit pun jadi, janji kekal.

Perkara yang paling mengagumkan bila selalu berjumpa atau terjumpa dengan penasihat akademik, Prof. Din, tak pernah sekali dia tolak orang minta tolong. Serius sekali pun tak pernah. In fact, antara pesakit yang selalu minta tolong, aku.

Terus tanam dalam hati, kalau orang minta tolong terutamanya pesakit, perkara terakhir aku nak lakukan atas dunia, adalah menggunakan perkataan ini; TIDAK.

Alhamdulillah, setakat ni mana mampu aku tolong. Berat juga kadang kadang nak kata ya bila tengah sibuk taip report. Susah juga kadang kadang nak jawab mesej perihal alat bantu pendengaran, masa tengah seronok luang masa dengan keluarga. Sukar juga kadang-kadang nak arrange masa untuk pesakit jauh tapi sungguh berharap.

Berpaksikan cuba kalau aku sakit dan sangat memerlukan macam sekarang nak dapatkan bilik kosong, tiba tiba orang tak mampu layan sebab beliau ada kerja yang lebih besar. Apa perasaan aku? Berpaksikan juga janji Allah kalau rajin membantu, maka akan dibantu, terus tahan hati dan nasihat jiwa, mesti tolong orang dalam kesukaran apatah lagi kalau pertolongan tu dalam bidang kita. Sebab kalau bukan kita, maka siapa lagi?

Contohnya kalau kau sakit, mesti nak minta tolong doktor kan tapi kalau doktor taknak bantu takkan nak suruh jurutera? Maka, apa hukum keatas doktor itu? Macam tulah maksud aku.

Macam ada pesakit yang aku bantu ketika di salah sebuah hospital tempat aku menetap dulu telefon benar benar mengharapkan bantuan untuk mendapatkan tarikh senang cerita temu janji di HUSM dan ketika ini aku sedang menghadapi bulan peperiksaan akhir. Kalau ikut prioriti, boleh je kan aku refer mana mana dan siap kerja aku.

Tapi, siapa tahu dengan aku bantu Allah permudahkan aku menjawab ujian? 

Hidupkan roda? One quote said, what you give you get back. Kan?

Dan sungguh berbesar hati bila dapat dengar suara sangat gembira dihujung talian ucap terima kasih berkali kali. Tersentuh habis. Betul juga kalau guna proverb, 'put youself in other's shoe' sebab tengah berbual tu terus bayangkan diri sendiri bila berhajat, disambut senyum. Perasaanya manis, bukan?

Cuma satu je masalah aku. Betul-betul jadi masalah namun macam kena sedar diri aku dah dewasa. DEWASA!

"Cik Huda, saya ada baca blog Cik Huda perihal alat bantu pendengaran bla bla bla,"

"Boleh saya minta tolong satu benda dulu?"

"Apa ya?"

"Rasanya panggil Huda je. Buang cik kat depan,"

Ini yang tanya melalui mesej.

"Saya nak tanya pasal kursus audiologi. Cik Huda sibuk ke,"

"Ada kerja sikit tapi it's fine. Nak tanya apakah?"

"Bla bla bla. Cik Huda boleh jelaskan?"

"Boleh. Dan, tak perlulah ber 'cik' 'cik',"

Ini melalui laman sembang.

"Terima kasih Cik Huda! Terima kasih banyak, Cik Huda!"

Ini penggilan telefon.

Sigh! Bagi aku yang lebih senang membahasakan diri guna nama, terus rasa pelik. Takkan lah nak cakap lepas ni, "Tak apa. Nanti dah sampai HUSM boleh call CIK Huda (instead of saya/Huda), kalau tak ada aral CIK Huda datang,"

Buruk benar bunyi!

Terus mengadu pada Azah, kalau tak letak 'Cik' kat depan nama tak boleh ke? Dan dan Azah mengomel, sampai bila nak jadi budak kecil? Sila sedar diri, lagi beberapa bulan nak melangkah ke alam kerjaya dan panggilan CIK kat depan nama adalah biasa, menunjukkan formal dan mesti guna. Cess!

Tak naklah. Dah kerja nanti bila orang guna CIK Huda, cepat cepat aku nak betulkan. PUAN Huda.

Aci?

STRESS

Above all these, I can sense a lot of teaching for me to be more patient. I know everything happens, it has reason hidden!

Wuu. I don't know whether the NOKIA people did their work or not? But for sure I hate to show up my face at their branch but with different problem!  Everytime they returned my phone, the will be another problem came out. Continuously! I am so fed up and really want to curse. But having faith Allah is teaching me, I stop and Istighfar. Please, I wanna be a good girl from now on! Please do your work before I say something harsh!

I'm a migraine people. I hate lamp so much! I'd rather study with a very dim light than switch on the fluorescent. I'd rather cover the window with curtain to kill the bright than steadily feel the breezes from its open! I just hate it. It triggers my migraine and its bad to feel the throbbing pain in you either side of brain. I hate it! 

And it worst with unsettled leg, I've to climb up the ladder to sleep! I fell down twice, and I'm so afraid that my replaced ligament will tear again. I don't want to be in the operation theater anymore. Not for now at least. It's enough to feel it twice. That was the most scary memories I've ever had in my 23 years of life. 

Therefore, I asked to change room. No. I asked to move to Murni. They approved it, Alhamdulillah. By next two weeks I can pack all my stuffs and move out. But, instead of single room, they provided me double. I have no problem with that anyhow, but I'm afraid that my soon-to-be roommate will just like the bright more than I do. No, more than I never imagine wanted to!

Actually, I really want to be in Nurani though the cafe sometimes not really satisfying. I'm okay with Nurani for these near four years. I thought really deep to make decision move to Murni. Thanks ya Allah finally he showed up the way and hope it will be fulfilled. But, they will choose the active students and what I expect to be the chosen one? I can't participate actively in sports and being the final year student, there're not much (or perhaps no place?) for me to get involve this semester. Ohh. :'(

So, I apply to Nurani instead when the notice on board again. I really hope Penggawa will read my email and approve it.

I know it is such a small problem to whoever, but it is BIG to me. You'll have no idea how bad the pain is. You'll have no idea how struggle I am to put my hands on my head and push it everytime I want to talk, or laugh or even worse, cough. You'll have no idea how bad the migraine is, that require you sometimes to bump your head to the wall.

And you'll never know the feelings to be the person who was suspected to have a tumor in a brain.

I just hate light! 

Could you please give me the single room at least for this next five months, Desa? I really hope that. :'(

I'm afraid of exams this time. Not because of exams, but because of my attitude towards it. I have no guts to even take out the thinnest note and read! Oh!

I promise myself to do a lot of SABAR and I found out it is tough anyway. It's stress too. Being a girl or woman? that having less iman in her heart, it's a BIG job to be done. It's hard, but I will try. For now, it's stressing me out to stay calm when I want to shout my anger. To stay smile when I want to yell the bad words. To speak nice sentences when I want to curse. To persuade heart when I really want to burst!

I will, at least try.

I want to go back home with train! For the first time in my life, I want to try it! Tu pun stress ke? :P

The last, I'm somehow stress to answer my own question; Am I able to face all these?

p/s: Please pray for my single room. Please.

Saya Rakyat Kelantan

Hatred is the feeling that never be better! So, vanish it!

Entah bila nak cerita perihal kenangan manis semanis madu sampai hari ni tak boleh berhenti senyum! Kenangan manis sungguh bila Kelantan buat pertama kalinya berjaya mendapat wow PIALA MALAYSIA! Sungguh hebat berpuluh tahun berusaha hari ni dapat akhirnya!

Sanggup oh menapak ke desa Murni kerana pengalaman menonton bola ketika Piala Dunia sungguh tak menarik. Apa kelas tengok bola kaku macam kayu? Bila nak gol bunyi mencicit je keluar! Huh! Tak semangat bola langsung! 

Maka, terpaksalah aku menapak ke Murni mengelakkan pisang berbuah dua kali tak boleh menjerit bersama sama! Ini Kelantan bertanding wehhh. Bukan Belanda apatah lagi Spain! KELANTAN!

Walaupun ada yang mempertikaikan kewarganegerian aku, atau kata lain mereka jeles barangkali aku dilahirkan di Kelantan dan membesar di sini dan mungking berkahwin dan beranak pinak di sini? Hahaha. Ops. Pertikaian mereka tidak mampu menghancur luluhkan semangat aku jerit jerit sorak suara serak bertambah serak bila Kelantan aww tiba tiba buat kejutan sumbat gol kedua!

Terus peluk rakan sebelah. Tskkk! Kita berjaya! Eh, kaukah yang bermain?

Juga haiiii susah dinafikan kekacakan penjaga gol mata sepet muka jepun yang telah berkali kali menyelamatkan gawang dari membiarkan Negeri Sembilan cuba cuba nak mengutip gol kemenangan. Eh, no way! Penjaga gol yang sungguh kacak itu nampaknya tewas menyelematkan gol penalti lalu membenarkan N9 kutip satu kosong! Namun sepakan penalti apalah nak dikata? Jejaka kacak ini mempertaruhkan kiraan yang silap bila cuba menyelamatkan sudut kiri sekali piungggggg tendangan kanan! Cis! Main main N9 ni.. haippp!

Heks.

Walaupun separuh masa pertama I terpaksa mengaku naik angin juga sambil jerit woii apasal kau main lembab sangat??! Lagi nak hangin bila striker tak jaga padang asyik kosong tambah sakit hati tengok bola golek golek tak ada orang sambut? Aiii nak gol ke tak nak ni?

Terpaksa juga berbekeng dengan rakan sebelah sambil berkata dan meragui apakah Kelantan berlatih atau tidak? Ishh! Rasa nak cepuk je! Itu belum tambah pemain berjersi nombor 10 buat spoil setiap kali dapat bola! Heh. Perumpaan kaki bangku amatlah sesuai digunakan ketika ini!

Geram sampai rasa nak jumpa jurulatih eh encik tolonglah turunkan Akmal Rizal ni ganti nombor sepuluh keluaarrr! Apa kes dapat TUJUH KALI SEPAKAN SUDUT untuk separuh masa pertama tapi ketujuh-tujuh sepakan itu dirugikan begitu sahaja! Ish, ini memang tak patut!

HAHAHAH.

Namun kecewa itu terbalas apabila separuh masa kedua barulah boleh digelarkan ini memang RED WARRIOR yang kita cari! Yeeeehhaaaa! 

Permainan semakin sengit. Cubaan demi cubaan yang jitu untuk bolos gol lawan. Fuhh! Masa ni jantung tak henti berdebar sebab tak sempat nak kelip mata, bola depan gawang maka haruslah jerit jerit okay! Steady! Tendaaaaaanggg! Ceh, tak masuk!

Tak apa, cuba lagi.

Aku ni dah macam pengulas sukan pun ada dah sekarang kan?

Terharu habis akhirnya Akmal Rizal diturunkan. Hek hek hek. Ini memang pemain gedebe bila baru turun padang, rakan lawan tarik lengan. Bro, apa kes bro? Main guna kaki lah bukan guna tangan. Nama pun bola SEPAK, bukan bola TAMPAR!

Kan dah tak pasal pasal kena gedebukkk dengan Akmal Rizal!

Huaarghhh!

Mungkin ada hikmahnya pemain kacak si Aidil dari N9 itu jatuh cedera. Dan dan tu juga Kelantan sumbat gol. Hehehhee. Dan tak lama tu juga, gol kedua pula! WOW!

Makin terharu bila si pemain kacak penjaga gol terus sujud syukur walau berseluar pendek. Hee. Punyalah bersyukur sampai Kelantan yang menang ke tak menang ke tak cuti terus dapat cuti! FB yang mula mula duk bertahniah sana sini terus bertukar wei esok kelas ke tak? Wei, esok kena gi HKB ke tak? Wei, esok exam ke tak?

Ceittt!

Sudah di beri cuti lagi tanya karang tak jadi baru mengamuk satu USM. HAHAHAHA.

Tak kisahlah ramai juga mengutuk dalam FB marah kitorang bising tak nampak rupa perempuan. Tegur dalam FB suara sampai hujung dunia boleh dengar. Siap perli tak ada orang nak kahwinlah kalau macam ni punya perangai. Hai lah come on. Setahun sekali. Setahun sekali! Memang tak salah teguran tu, tapi ada ke orang tengok bola macam tengok tragedi?

Mungkin kena tengok balik apa akan jadi pada stage of excitement bila adrenaline berlumba-lumba dalam badan. Chill eh. Saya memang tak lemah lembut, sopan santun lagilah tidak ayu ayan. Ampun juta juta. Satu malam je saya sorak macam putus nafas sampai vocal cord abused. Satu kali dalam setahun. Itupun kalau Kelantan masuk semi atau/dan final. Dan dalam empat tahun ni, Kelantan baru dua kali masuk final. Tahun ni dan tahun lepas. Tahun lepas tak sempat sorak pulak tu.

Okaylah sekali setahun dari sorakan Akademi Fantasia setiap hujung minggu sampai saya terjaga dari tidur. Kalau dah bilik dekat dengan TV, kena redha banyak sikilaht kalau sorakan tak kena masa. Oh!

Minta halal eh suara excited saya yang dah termasuk dalam sistem auditori terus ke temporal cortex anda yang terganggu tu eh. Tak baik tau benci benci. Kat atas tu saya dah tepek gambar HATRED tak bagus. Letih letih saya edit. Weeehuu!

Ampun eh! Atas dunia ni ada kita tak suka orang, tapi ada juga orang tak suka kita. Jadi, penyelesaiannya adalah saling menerima dan memaafkan. Buang yang keruh, ambil yang jernih. Hek hek. :)

Apapun TAHNIAH KELANTAN. Tahniah pemainnya. Tahniah juga kepada rakyatnya sebab kekal setia walau dah terlepas satu gol. Kekal tak agresif bakar lori walau haih demo baling mercun baling botol air masuk padang. Heh. TAHNIAH kepada KITA SEMUA atas kemenangan gilang gemilang pertama kali ini!

I love you very the much lah kasi kemenangan ni buat I! Tak sia sia I sokong penuh setia siap menapak berbaju merah tau! Love-lah!

p/s: Dengan ucapan si Khairul Fahmi, penjaga gol handsome itu sudah berpunyakah? HAHAHAH!