Sayonara

Dear Blog,

And those people who still reading.

(Doubt I have one though after so long)

Good bye.

Stressful and A Light

Recently, aku rasa aku dah start activate plan B. Since asthma makin menjadi-jadi dan migrain aku dah mula datang, aku rasa aku dalam state yang amat tak sihat. And considering body weight aku dalam stage yang merisaukan jugak, aku kena do something.

It is clearly showed aku punya living state.

But how.

Betullah jadi dewasa ni merisaukan. Dengan keadaan Malaysia yang entahlah maam mana, and being someone who is overly uneasy to every negative changes is soooo not helping. All the plans for now seems failing one by one, well insyallah for a better reason, but it is indeed menunjukkan something has to be done.

Even if I have to move from whatever I am doing right now.

The last time I had my migraine I guess when I was in final year.

So...

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Can I just get married and jadi surirumah?









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Asthma Has Attacked Me Hard Last Night

I've been constantly fighting with my asthma attack as long as I can remember. What make it a bad nightmare is that, my asthma hasn't show any evidence that it will go or dissapear any sooner. It has becoming worsening instead.

Last night, I dreamt of me gasping for the air.

In that dream,

I could see my dad woke me up and sent me straight to the emergency department. What make it weird, the report stated that I refused any steroid and nebulizer that resulting me to breath even more difficult. I could hear clearly the wheezing sound but the nurses left me alone there gasping, not helping.

I think I was going to die.

And that feeling, was indescribable.

I screamed for a cure, but no one heard me.

No.

One.

Suddenly I woke up realized I'd been sleeping on a couch last night. And yes, that was the worst asthma attack I had so far. I slowly climbed 2 stairs at a time and breathed until I reached my bedroom.

Luckily my inhaler was exactly where I left it before only the cap missing. Since my niece loves  to pretend that my inhaler is some sort of a gun, so it is everywhere. I have more than 3 inhalers to say the least. I shake the inhaler and I knew I will not last long, it is almost finished.

My inhaler never finished only expired.

This time it is different.

It is different.

And The Dream Begins

"I will scream my voice tonight.

Will you hear me?"

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Kadang-kadang, kena ambil masa untuk pejam mata tarik nafas dan lengkapkan balik all the scattered pieces. And somehow, trust me, we let the pieces yang kita pegang erat, kita dakap rapat, to fly far. Further up. Slowly.

Until dissapear.

Completely.

Or at least that is what we believe.

No--

Darling. No.

It hasn't completely gone. It is somewhere in your heart that softly whispers that it is still there. Somewhere but definitely there. 

Catch that piece, darling. Each of them and susun dan jadikanlah dia puzzle yang lengkap sempurna di mata kita. 

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Oh tuhan.

Bagilah jalan.

Hola Everiwan!

And hereby I declare...

I AM BACK!

Well Then

"Mana mana pun aku akan pergi,

Biarlah pemergian yang sepenuh hati,"

Colleague

"If that measurement is so important, then why don't we create one?"

"Like what?"

"Like you make something automatic. Put the probe, measure the baseline, test started, boooommmm measurement done,"

Then I feel scared.

I always imagine things.

Since child—

People always laughing over my imagination.

People tend to shake their head to disagree.

People that simply didn't trust me.

So I felt uneasy revealing my imagination.

"Well, I imagine a lot. Forget about it,"

I tried to dismiss the conversation, knowing that it will go nowhere, creating all the memories that hurt—

That somehow will repeat again.

"Hey, never say never,"

I laughed.

"I will forward you feedback!"

And I stopped laughing,

Frowning upon every line he replied, and I read again and again. 

He must be joking, I guess.

But—

It did wake me up.

Until when?